Yet another brilliant English Paper,,

As I stated before, most of these old blogs are from when I was single. I think this one is pretty awesome as well.

Thursday, March 03, 2005


Table for One? (1st english paper this semester, brilliant I tell you)


I was at work one night and I sparked up a conversation with a rather flamboyant middle aged woman about reading the newspaper. She informed me that she stopped reading the paper because it stressed her out and the only thing she really misses about it is the wedding and birth announcements. I informed her that those are the exact parts of the newspaper that stress me out, jokingly of course. She wanted to know why I would say such a thing and informed her simply that I'm 28 and I don't even have a boyfriend, nor any prospects of such, much less am I on my way to wedded bliss. "BUT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!!" she exclaims at the top of her lungs bearing a face of shock and dismay. I thanked her with a slight blush but assured her that it wasn't due to lack of suitors but secretly I knew it was, well sort of. So that led me to start thinking, does how attractive we are affect our ability to have a relationship? It can't can it? I see ugly people in relationships all time, blissfully happy, gazing in to one another’s eyes. So why can't I have that? Am I so completely normal that I fall between the cracks of unattractive and attractive? I get asked all the time, mostly in a pick up line sort of way, "Why are you still single?" Well good question. I would assume partly due to my inability to commit and partly due to the inability of the person I’m interested in to commit. I don't really think it has anything to do with how I look. I like to say that I’m single by choice. I’m single because I am comfortable enough in who I am to go through life alone. But being alone in relationship sense doesn’t mean I’m alone in life. Just that I am my own person. I don’t need to be defined by who I’m with. I know who I am and being single is part of it. It took me sometime to fully understand what being single is. I think I’ve got it now and I’m the correct path to acceptance of the singleness.
What does it mean to be a single woman? Relationship or Marital Status is a box we must check on applications and questionnaires. But is it also part of who we are? Our relationship status seems to be essential to our daily life. It’s almost as though we can’t do anything involving a legal document or documentation in general unless we announce to the world that we are “Single”. The government even goes as far as to give tax breaks to married couples as if saying here is reward for not being alone. When a couple gets married it is pretty much expected that the woman will take the man’s last name. That is the first step to losing her identity. Society tells women that they are nothing without a family. All media ads and “American Dream” propaganda is geared towards settling down and have your 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. I’ve discovered that way isn’t the only way, nor is it the best way for everybody.
Accepting that you are single can be tough. There are so many aspects of life in general stacked against you. For one, almost all songs you hear have something to do with love or relationships. I personally enjoy music because I can relate to the words of the songs. So in order to accept the fact that you are a single woman, you have to accept the fact that you don’t have what they are talking about in these songs. Also, in most movies there is always a love interest. There is some person and another person that is there mostly to spark romantic feelings in the hero or heroine. That can get really annoying because they are basically telling you that in all situations two people will end up together and it’s usually the two attractive people. It is very hard to watch movies where everything comes out ok in the end when the two main characters get together. Are they saying that if you find your perfect match that you can then save the world? And, how come you always find love when the world is ending and it’s up to you to save it? Even TV shows that are specifically designed with the single woman in mind end up heading down the aisle to holy matrimony. Take for example Sex in the City. In the final episode all of the single, independent women end up hitched to someone. That really doesn’t set a good example for us “single in the city” gals to look up to.

I used to be a “relationship” girl. I was never single and my relationships usually lasted for 2 to 3 years. I was always defined by the person I was dating. I hate people like that. I can’t stand it when a person’s every other thought is, “my boyfriend” this and my “my girlfriend” that is probably because I was one of those people. I was Joe's fiancé or Gabe's girlfriend, never Jade. Now I’m Jade. I am my own person and I have my own ideals and thoughts. I know what defines me and what I want out of life. It has taken me sometime to get here. But I’ve finally arrived and the single life is so much sweeter. I’ve even noticed that in my regular day to day routine some things have changed. When I decide I want to get something to eat, I don’t automatically think, “Who can I call to have lunch with me?” Instead I think, “Where can I go with enough room to study and eat at the same time.” When I decide I want to go to the movies I just go. I don’t call everyone I know to see if they can go with me. I am very proud with the fact that I am so secure in being “alone” in life that I can do the normal day to day things without someone by my side. I have greatly increased my sense of independence and self worth.

A very good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about her great aunt that passed away a few years ago. Aunt Bess was a quirky old woman with a zest for life. Aunt Bess had no children and she never married. She never married? Why is that? She was an attractive lady with a great personality and tons of spunk. She had a great job and lots of things going for her in life. This should be the ultimate goal. Be happy with yourself and accomplish things on your own, to be successful and happy with whom you are. You shouldn’t need another person to define your life. My friend informed me that Aunt Bess was engaged once and he died so she just never married. Could I feasibly go through life and never marry? Is being with someone that essential in our lives that we must couple up and procreate? I think not. The point of life is to live it. Not to live it with someone or without someone, just to simply live it. I think that if we learn to accept who we are as individuals then we certainly don’t need anyone else to help justify who we are. Aunt Bess didn’t need anyone in her life to make her happy. She was a jolly good time all by herself and had no problems with being that way. I like that. I strive to be that.

One of my best friend's fathers is dying. He and her mother have been together since they were kids. He is the only man she has ever known, ever kissed, ever anything. I can't imagine the heartache she is feeling. The pain and agony of losing the only person you have ever loved would be unbearable. Having to watch this once strong, powerful man that you loved wither away would be unreal. I couldn't handle that. I can barely handle it now and he isn't even my husband or father. One of the advantages to living a completely single life is never having to go through the pain of watching the person you love die. If you never have a significant other in your life then you never have to feel that pain. That seems ok to me. However, it’s a give and take situation. That insurmountable pain also comes with many years of blissful love. The love and the pain go hand in hand. Emotions are a balance to our lives. I’ve come to the realization in my life that with pain there is joy and with joy there is pain. I can accept that balance and in accepting that I have made the transition between the too an easier one.

It occurs to me that you can’t have your happiness without your sadness. In being single, you learn to cope with the loneliness by surrounding yourself with good friends and family to soften the blow. You learn to embrace the alone time and make it your own. Alone time becomes more of serenity than a curse. When you are in a relationship you have to try and work alone time into your life. Getting that alone time becomes a challenge rather than something that is there to deal with. I’ve not quite decided which one of the two is harder. I see people in relationships and see them struggle with acceptance of each others space and think, “wow, glad I don’t have to deal with that crap.” Yet another perk to being single, no one to answer to. You can walk around in a plaid Speedo and black knee socks and no one is there to yell at you about it. You can simply live your life and not have to worry about another person’s feelings and needs. That is nice. In being a single woman, all I have to worry about is myself. I found it really hard at first to only worry about myself. I’m a nurturer so I feel the need to care for everyone in my life’s needs before my own. In learning to be on my own I’ve also realized that I need to take care of me first. That has opened the door to true happiness in many amazing ways.

Some say life is what you make it. I think life makes you. I think that you can try and try to make something out of nothing but essentially time is going to roll on in its own way and you are just along for the ride. As a single woman, I know this to be true. I live this way everyday. I now have direction and balance in my life. I now have goals and responsibilities, none of which have another person to worry about in the grand scheme. I’m finally ok with that. I’m finally happy with the single me. It hasn’t been an easy road but certainly a road worth traveling.