There is a simple song lyric that pretty much describes the way I feel about life. “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise that moves us along.” I’ve used this pop lullaby as a point of focus for changing my views on life and my pursuit of happiness. It took me a long time to get to that point. I’ve always thought that one day I would just wake up and there would be this big breakthrough. That one day life would just happen. I’ve grown up a lot and discovered that life doesn’t work that way. Compromise is an integral part of making that discovery.
Compromise seems like a relatively benign word. Its whole intention is to give a little from both sides so that everyone shares equally in the joys and heartaches. The actual definition of the word is a settlement of differences by mutual concessions. However, giving into change isn’t something that has come easy in my life. This is mainly due to the secondary definition of compromise which is to make vulnerable to danger and/or scandal. I spend so much of my life terrified of change, absolutely terrified to the point of tears at times. I like to live in a comfort zone so as not to disrupt the delicate balance of thoughts in my head. This comfort zone keeps me safe from the ever changing world around me but also puts me at a disadvantage. If you spend your life sheltered from change then you never grow as a person. I’m learning to step out of my comfort zone and experience the real world. A world that is full of change and compromise.
A major point of compromise came about when I decided to go back to school. I decided I didn’t want to wake up again to a life of mediocrity. I realized that the only way to do that was to continue my education and get out of this vicious cycle of working dead end restaurant jobs that only led to body aches and stress. My first job when I was sixteen was waiting tables at a small little family restaurant in High Point called Gordy’s Broasted Chicken. I took to it like a fish to water and was soon well on my way to making quick and easy cash in hand. This job discovery can now be looked at as a blessing and a curse. I know I will always have a job because I can walk into any restaurant in the world basically and be making cash money within a week. But this also leads to the comfort zone I mentioned earlier. I know I can work in any restaurant anywhere so therefore I don’t set my goals any higher. All that changed about a year ago. I came to the realization that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life on my feet catering to the general public’s obsession with ranch dressing. I wanted to go to school. I longed to be educated. I was tired of only having conversations with people about how so and so was sleeping with this manager or that to get the good shifts and how great these new insoles for my shoes are. I needed to experience a different more well rounded life.
This is when the compromise comes in. I knew that if I wanted to go to school I would have to get my financial aid paperwork done and I would have to apply to a school. I also would have to learn time management skills and how to find my way around a big, scary campus. I have big issues with coming across as unknowledgeable. I don’t like for people to think I don’t know what I’m doing. So I had to compromise with my inner self and do a little calling around and setting up of appointments. Before I even knew it I was enrolled at UNCG with full financial aid and a little extra to pay for my living expenses so I wouldn’t have to work so much. The funny thing about change and compromise is, once you’ve done it, it’s not really as scary as you thought it was going to be.
Life is for the living and in order to experience life you have to live it. A lot of people get hung up on what they should be doing rather than what they actually are doing. If you don’t get out there and make your life happen it won’t. I’m living proof of that. I used to think that one day there will be this big breakthrough and I’ll be grown up. That never happened. I had to realize that I’m 28 years old and if I want to be an adult I just have to start being one. No one is going to hand me anything in this life and nothing is just going to magically happen for me. I have to work for everything I get and it doesn’t come easy. Nothing ever does, but when you work for a goal and actually accomplish it, your rewards seem much sweeter.
In the last year, I have had more good days than bad. I’ve taken the bad times and learned from them rather then writing them off as bad luck and bad timing. I've experienced highs of the greatest magnitude and I’ve let myself enjoy them. I've danced when given the option of sitting it out. I've willed my soul into submission and given up being perfect. No one is perfect and I have stopped penalizing the brave ones that try to be. I have developed more of a sense of self worth and learned to love me for who I am. That is one compromise I am happy to have made. I now embrace my flaws and imperfections and use them as character building blocks. Everyday is an adventure in self discovery and it helps to find a road map once in awhile. I find more and more out about myself with every new experience. I’m still a little scared of change but I’ve also learned that change is the only way to develop and grow as a person. Growing is an essential part to the life process and I’m eternally grateful to the people who have helped me learn this along the way.
This was written 2 years ago. I'm now 30 and still hate change.
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