I took a second job so now I'm working between 10 to 15 hours six days a week. I'm only off work on Sundays now and one Sunday a month I gotta work that day too. I'm tired. I did this for a few reasons.
The main reason was to get my mind off being alone. I hate dating and I hate these none week relationships I keep finding myself in. I meet guys that I sorta like but end up dating them for about a week and its over. I either firebomb it with my bad attitude or my needy-ness, or they say or do something that I can't deal with. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. When you meet someone it should just flow. Effortlessly and easily. Of course problems will arise and differences will form, but when you first meet someone it shouldn't be a struggle to simply get along. Should it?
I thought that working this much would help me now worry about it so much. And it is true. When I'm at work, especially the new job I don't think or wonder about what is going on other than what I'm focused on. I can't have my phone with me so I'm not constantly checking it wondering if anyone has texted me. But then I come home and my body aches and my mind has time to process that I am coming home alone. That I have no one to massage my aching muscles..that I have no one to tell about my day..that I have no one to eat with..that I have no one to curl up with and sleep.
I hate that I'm like this but I really don't know how to fix it. All my friends are getting married or happily rolling through life with their significant others. They try to tell me that its not all its cracked up to be. And its not like I've never been in a relationship. I know there are bad times. I know that sometimes it sucks to answer to someone. But what they don't remember is what it's like to be alone. The grass always seems greener...
I don't really know what I hope to accomplish from this post. I guess I just needed to whine. I keep coming back to Cameron. I miss how totally and completely we connected. It was effortless and easy. It was perfect. It sucks. It really really sucks.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Truth or Consequences...no on ever said anything about trust.
I need to figure out what is going on. The only thing I can ascertain is that I'm too eager. So I have to just stop wanting it so bad. But how does one go about that? How do you stop wanting something so bad that you ache? It physically hurts me that I can't find love. My internal 'self' has a headache.
All I want is to be told the truth. I will accept the consequences. But I can't be expected to just accept what I'm uncertain of. That is like trusting in the unknown...I think they call it faith? I lost my faith years ago and am steadily losing all hope as well.
I've decided that I'm going to just get over it. Easier said than done. I seriously need to get a hobby or something that takes my mind off life. Apparently I come across desperate and needy. Of course I'm desperate and needy, I'm 33 years old and I've never been married and have no kids. It's like my whole life has passed me by without me. Maybe I was too picky. Maybe I wasn't picky enough. Maybe I'm just a great big loser that doesn't know when to shut up. Regardless, I'm still alone with no light at the end of the tunnel.
I've become bitter and angry. I've never been a bitter and angry person. Sad yes, but never bitter. I don't like this person that is seeping out of me. I need to find the leak and patch it post haste. Anyone know how to fix a hemorrhaged heart?
All I want is to be told the truth. I will accept the consequences. But I can't be expected to just accept what I'm uncertain of. That is like trusting in the unknown...I think they call it faith? I lost my faith years ago and am steadily losing all hope as well.
I've decided that I'm going to just get over it. Easier said than done. I seriously need to get a hobby or something that takes my mind off life. Apparently I come across desperate and needy. Of course I'm desperate and needy, I'm 33 years old and I've never been married and have no kids. It's like my whole life has passed me by without me. Maybe I was too picky. Maybe I wasn't picky enough. Maybe I'm just a great big loser that doesn't know when to shut up. Regardless, I'm still alone with no light at the end of the tunnel.
I've become bitter and angry. I've never been a bitter and angry person. Sad yes, but never bitter. I don't like this person that is seeping out of me. I need to find the leak and patch it post haste. Anyone know how to fix a hemorrhaged heart?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
To all who've broken my heart...
"She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that
You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that
I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her
Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that
I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her
She's beautiful in her simple, little way"
Written by Miranda Lambert but felt deeply by me.
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that
You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that
I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her
Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that
I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her
She's beautiful in her simple, little way"
Written by Miranda Lambert but felt deeply by me.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Finding more than I bargained for...
I recently met someone that I was crazy about. Unfortunately he wasn't ready for the type of relationship we were progressing into. I knew it when I met him. He was young, ten years my junior in fact and recently out of a very intense relationship. Oh what is that you say? Red flags? I'm sorry, I think I might be color blind...
When I met him (blind date style) I wasn't expecting anything. Just a chance to go out with a real live boy and have some intelligent conversation and possibly a few laughs. I had exchanged several emails with him and knew that he was of above average intelligence as well as articulate and extremely mature for his age. I shared some laughs with him via text and knew that he would get my sense of humor, which is always a plus. I'm a funny frickin' girl but not all people realize this and tend to think I'm just a jerk. He got it, honestly got it. Awesome.
So we met downtown and had a great conversation. I wasn't very nervous because I wasn't exactly expecting anything. Another new thing for me because I'm usually over thinking everything and have sabotaged myself before the night even begins. Things went smooth and I was impressed with the way he talked to me. He was very smooth and easy to talk to. He listened well and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. His facial expressions were intriguing and I loved to watch the words fall out of his perfect lips. His voice was like music to my tone deaf ears and I would have loved to hear him talk for hours.
I thought he might be a bit skinny as I'm not a petite girl. Plus I like a man that can make me feel safe and protected at all times. I've found the skinny ones are often not the vigilant type. After talking to him for hours in the parking lot after we left the bar, I quickly discerned that his physical size was in no way indicative of his chivalry. Once, in fact when some random crack heads approached us he immediately took a defensive stance in front of me as to shield me from the leering eyes of the predators. I was smitten to say the least.
After our first night we were pretty much in complete harmony with one another. He texted me often just to let me know he was thinking of me. It's the little things that impress me. Everyday was better than the next and the affection he showered upon was everything I could have ever asked for. He never told me I was pretty or spoke the words "You look nice", but in his every action I knew he was thinking it. Actions speak mountains and his were of the Everest proportion.
As you may have guessed it ended. It ended abruptly and with a text message. I fell for someone I never expected and let down my defenses only to have my walls crumbled from the inside. He asked me if I wished I hadn't met him. The only way I can fully answer this is to say yes. I cherish every single moment I spent with him and it hurts me to even remember these times. It's like a stab in my heart every time I picture his brilliant blue eyes gazing into mine. My bottom lip trembles when I remember the feel of his hands on my skin and his body next to me. All these things hurt in a way that I don't want to feel. I've often said that butterflies are often followed by the kicked in the gut feeling when things go wrong. Are the butterflies worth the pain? I don't know that they are.
I can't be mad at him. He simply was NOT ready for the connection that he found with me. He thought that he would be and in fact found way more than he actually bargained for. I know that he hoped he could have been ready for me. I can only hope that he finds someone later on in life that will love him the way I could have loved him had I only had the chance. Or that I get to chance to love him once again...
When I met him (blind date style) I wasn't expecting anything. Just a chance to go out with a real live boy and have some intelligent conversation and possibly a few laughs. I had exchanged several emails with him and knew that he was of above average intelligence as well as articulate and extremely mature for his age. I shared some laughs with him via text and knew that he would get my sense of humor, which is always a plus. I'm a funny frickin' girl but not all people realize this and tend to think I'm just a jerk. He got it, honestly got it. Awesome.
So we met downtown and had a great conversation. I wasn't very nervous because I wasn't exactly expecting anything. Another new thing for me because I'm usually over thinking everything and have sabotaged myself before the night even begins. Things went smooth and I was impressed with the way he talked to me. He was very smooth and easy to talk to. He listened well and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. His facial expressions were intriguing and I loved to watch the words fall out of his perfect lips. His voice was like music to my tone deaf ears and I would have loved to hear him talk for hours.
I thought he might be a bit skinny as I'm not a petite girl. Plus I like a man that can make me feel safe and protected at all times. I've found the skinny ones are often not the vigilant type. After talking to him for hours in the parking lot after we left the bar, I quickly discerned that his physical size was in no way indicative of his chivalry. Once, in fact when some random crack heads approached us he immediately took a defensive stance in front of me as to shield me from the leering eyes of the predators. I was smitten to say the least.
After our first night we were pretty much in complete harmony with one another. He texted me often just to let me know he was thinking of me. It's the little things that impress me. Everyday was better than the next and the affection he showered upon was everything I could have ever asked for. He never told me I was pretty or spoke the words "You look nice", but in his every action I knew he was thinking it. Actions speak mountains and his were of the Everest proportion.
As you may have guessed it ended. It ended abruptly and with a text message. I fell for someone I never expected and let down my defenses only to have my walls crumbled from the inside. He asked me if I wished I hadn't met him. The only way I can fully answer this is to say yes. I cherish every single moment I spent with him and it hurts me to even remember these times. It's like a stab in my heart every time I picture his brilliant blue eyes gazing into mine. My bottom lip trembles when I remember the feel of his hands on my skin and his body next to me. All these things hurt in a way that I don't want to feel. I've often said that butterflies are often followed by the kicked in the gut feeling when things go wrong. Are the butterflies worth the pain? I don't know that they are.
I can't be mad at him. He simply was NOT ready for the connection that he found with me. He thought that he would be and in fact found way more than he actually bargained for. I know that he hoped he could have been ready for me. I can only hope that he finds someone later on in life that will love him the way I could have loved him had I only had the chance. Or that I get to chance to love him once again...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Giving Up The Ghost...
I am perpetually haunted by things. I live my life looking backwards rather than relishing in what I have. Sometimes I even have to tell myself that this moment is real when something good happens to me. I live in my head and lead with my heart. I get abused and used more often than treated and appreciated. Oh woe is me...
People continually tell me that I have plenty of time to find love or a career. But then they tell me to get on the ball and finish school before its too late. Too late for what? If I have plenty of time, what is the hurry to move forward?
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, myself or my career. I don't really want to think about it. I'm constantly being told that I need to finish school. Well, why? I have all of my paralegal classes finished and the only thing I need to finish to graduate are some silly keyboarding and formatting classes and some ridiculous math crap. I don't feel that if I were to acquire said degree that I would be any more qualified to work in the legal profession than I am at this very minute. I guess I just don't really care enough about school to actually put my heart into it. When I'm passionate about something, nothing can stop me. I've no passion for teachers and school books.
It would seem that a trend in my life is that once I've left someone's life, they tend to realize how important I once was to them. No one can seem to appreciate me when they have me in their life. I grieve for the loss of them only to have them return at a later date to tell me how much they miss me and want me back. However, they are currently unavailable due to their fiance and/or live in girlfriend but if they were single, they would be with me in a heartbeat. I'm sorry, what? So why even contact me? Why tell me how great I am but this other girl is better? That is essentially what they are saying right? If I was so amazing they would have never left me right? Obviously I'm just better in bed...
So that brings me to my current irritations...
"The One"
Erica brought this up the other day. The One is a mythical creature that only exists in John Cusak movies and Fairy Tales. If there is a "One" for me, he is probably happily married to my doppelganger and is rapidly reproducing evil spawn to mock me in my old age. "The One" can easily be created with a few shots of Tequila and tight fitting t-shirt. Lets just get over ourselves with this romanticized mode of relationships shall we?
"When you stop looking you will find it."
So you are saying when I'm not paying attention someone will conk me over the head with a love blow and I'll miraculously be in a wonderful relationship? Really? Really? I've never found anything important by not looking for it. Come on folks lets be honest with ourselves, when you were single you were always looking, or at least keeping your eyes open. I've been to a point where I'm just fed up and don't want to look, but that didn't mean I stopped altogether. This may come across as angry or desperate or whatever, but I am who I am. Get over it and yourself.
So now that I've sufficiently worked myself into an angry huff, I'll let you all sit around and not comment on this because you are scared I'll rip you a new one. I'm totally open to seeing things in a new light. Don't get wrong, I really do want to see things differently and am totally open for other ways of looking at this mess of a life I have. Feel free to change my mind.
People continually tell me that I have plenty of time to find love or a career. But then they tell me to get on the ball and finish school before its too late. Too late for what? If I have plenty of time, what is the hurry to move forward?
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, myself or my career. I don't really want to think about it. I'm constantly being told that I need to finish school. Well, why? I have all of my paralegal classes finished and the only thing I need to finish to graduate are some silly keyboarding and formatting classes and some ridiculous math crap. I don't feel that if I were to acquire said degree that I would be any more qualified to work in the legal profession than I am at this very minute. I guess I just don't really care enough about school to actually put my heart into it. When I'm passionate about something, nothing can stop me. I've no passion for teachers and school books.
It would seem that a trend in my life is that once I've left someone's life, they tend to realize how important I once was to them. No one can seem to appreciate me when they have me in their life. I grieve for the loss of them only to have them return at a later date to tell me how much they miss me and want me back. However, they are currently unavailable due to their fiance and/or live in girlfriend but if they were single, they would be with me in a heartbeat. I'm sorry, what? So why even contact me? Why tell me how great I am but this other girl is better? That is essentially what they are saying right? If I was so amazing they would have never left me right? Obviously I'm just better in bed...
So that brings me to my current irritations...
"The One"
Erica brought this up the other day. The One is a mythical creature that only exists in John Cusak movies and Fairy Tales. If there is a "One" for me, he is probably happily married to my doppelganger and is rapidly reproducing evil spawn to mock me in my old age. "The One" can easily be created with a few shots of Tequila and tight fitting t-shirt. Lets just get over ourselves with this romanticized mode of relationships shall we?
"When you stop looking you will find it."
So you are saying when I'm not paying attention someone will conk me over the head with a love blow and I'll miraculously be in a wonderful relationship? Really? Really? I've never found anything important by not looking for it. Come on folks lets be honest with ourselves, when you were single you were always looking, or at least keeping your eyes open. I've been to a point where I'm just fed up and don't want to look, but that didn't mean I stopped altogether. This may come across as angry or desperate or whatever, but I am who I am. Get over it and yourself.
So now that I've sufficiently worked myself into an angry huff, I'll let you all sit around and not comment on this because you are scared I'll rip you a new one. I'm totally open to seeing things in a new light. Don't get wrong, I really do want to see things differently and am totally open for other ways of looking at this mess of a life I have. Feel free to change my mind.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Available for Consumption
When I give someone my heart. they will accept it willingly and openly.
They will not put on conditions or exceptions on it.
When I give someone my heart, I shall expect theirs in return.
Not a desperate attempt at a life together out of loneliness or obligation.
When I give someone my heart, I expect nothing but full disclosure.
Including feeling comfortable in the unknown.
When I give someone my heart, it will be forever.
Not one minute shy of an eternity.
When I give someone my heart, they will know my intentions.
And I will know the extent of that intent.
When I give someone my heart, I will bleed for them.
Because nothing short of an opened vein will convey that amount of love.
When I give someone my heart, it will be because they deserve it.
My heart is not to be accepted lightly or haphazardly.
You may think you want this.
You may think you can handle this.
You may think you know me.
You may think you care.
I can assure you that you have no idea of who I am.
Don't dismiss my kindness for true feelings of love.
I am way too complex to be used as your object of desire.
Adoration comes at a great price.
When I give you my heart, I will be whole.
They will not put on conditions or exceptions on it.
When I give someone my heart, I shall expect theirs in return.
Not a desperate attempt at a life together out of loneliness or obligation.
When I give someone my heart, I expect nothing but full disclosure.
Including feeling comfortable in the unknown.
When I give someone my heart, it will be forever.
Not one minute shy of an eternity.
When I give someone my heart, they will know my intentions.
And I will know the extent of that intent.
When I give someone my heart, I will bleed for them.
Because nothing short of an opened vein will convey that amount of love.
When I give someone my heart, it will be because they deserve it.
My heart is not to be accepted lightly or haphazardly.
You may think you want this.
You may think you can handle this.
You may think you know me.
You may think you care.
I can assure you that you have no idea of who I am.
Don't dismiss my kindness for true feelings of love.
I am way too complex to be used as your object of desire.
Adoration comes at a great price.
When I give you my heart, I will be whole.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Do I have cooties?
Why is it that all I do is be myself and that is just too much for people? I can't help that I let my feelings be known when I feel them. I can not stand it when people just assume they know me and talk all kindsa junk about something they don't know anything about! I understand the 'bros before hos' thing but when you are in a relationship with a girl and she flat out tells you that she didn't do anything or say any of the stuff that your friends are telling you she said, then you kinda have to believe her. Especially when you have the proof to show them. I mean seriously. And when flat out tell a girl that you purposely did things to hurt her but you want her back then you really have no chance of that happening.
I know I fall for the wrong guys. I know that I fall hard and I fall fast. I know that I can be intense. I make no bones about it. I tell you from the time you meet me what to expect. But somehow that doesn't compute and still enter into the mystic land of Jade with every intention of just being there for a vacation, not buying property. Stay off my lawn!
I am amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have me in their life and screw you if you can't handle me! I'm so sick of this. Seriously. What is it about me that causes men to just lose their ever lovin' minds? It's like they think I'm the dog's tuxedo until they spend a little time with me in person and then they fall off the face of the earth. If it happened once I wouldn't mind. If it happened twice, I could deal with it. But it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I meet someone that I actually feel full on chemistry with. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm going to totally stop meeting people in person. Seriously. I'm just giving up.
I know this rant makes me sound crazy. I probably am crazy. I'm crazy to think that someone would actually want me. I'm crazy to think that I will ever find someone to accept me for me. I'm crazy to think that I won't have to settle for someone that I don't feel chemistry with just to not be alone. I'm crazy for all of it.
I absolutely HATE the punched in the stomach feeling. That feeling is what I get every time someone gives me butterflies. I can't seem to have the butterflies without the kicked in the gut feeling later. It's like the rug gets pulled out from under me and I can't catch my breath. I'm falling down a hole and don't know when I'll hit bottom. My feet feel like lead and my head dizzy. I don't get it. Does this happen to anyone else?
I feel like I spend most of my time saying, "Sorry to bother you..." Why am I always a bother to people? I shouldn't be a bother I should a be a pleasure! I should be loved and adored not tolerated and abhorred!
I can't handle this. I am simply not strong enough to date apparently. Sorry mom and dad, you will never have grandkids and I will never know what its like to walk down an aisle. I guess this is it... life as I want to know it is merely a myth.
I know I fall for the wrong guys. I know that I fall hard and I fall fast. I know that I can be intense. I make no bones about it. I tell you from the time you meet me what to expect. But somehow that doesn't compute and still enter into the mystic land of Jade with every intention of just being there for a vacation, not buying property. Stay off my lawn!
I am amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have me in their life and screw you if you can't handle me! I'm so sick of this. Seriously. What is it about me that causes men to just lose their ever lovin' minds? It's like they think I'm the dog's tuxedo until they spend a little time with me in person and then they fall off the face of the earth. If it happened once I wouldn't mind. If it happened twice, I could deal with it. But it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I meet someone that I actually feel full on chemistry with. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm going to totally stop meeting people in person. Seriously. I'm just giving up.
I know this rant makes me sound crazy. I probably am crazy. I'm crazy to think that someone would actually want me. I'm crazy to think that I will ever find someone to accept me for me. I'm crazy to think that I won't have to settle for someone that I don't feel chemistry with just to not be alone. I'm crazy for all of it.
I absolutely HATE the punched in the stomach feeling. That feeling is what I get every time someone gives me butterflies. I can't seem to have the butterflies without the kicked in the gut feeling later. It's like the rug gets pulled out from under me and I can't catch my breath. I'm falling down a hole and don't know when I'll hit bottom. My feet feel like lead and my head dizzy. I don't get it. Does this happen to anyone else?
I feel like I spend most of my time saying, "Sorry to bother you..." Why am I always a bother to people? I shouldn't be a bother I should a be a pleasure! I should be loved and adored not tolerated and abhorred!
I can't handle this. I am simply not strong enough to date apparently. Sorry mom and dad, you will never have grandkids and I will never know what its like to walk down an aisle. I guess this is it... life as I want to know it is merely a myth.
I'm about 4 shots deep and still no sleep in sight...
So it's 2:49am and by all accounts I should be slap knocked out but I'm not. Most of you know by now that I've been sick. I don't have insurance so I have to self medicate or fork over lots of money to have someone tell me to drink plenty of fluids and get some rest.
When you get sick everyone seems to know what to tell you what to do. I've heard all kindsa remedies but this one by far was the weirdest. I have a couple regulars at the bar that happen to be best friends with the owner of my restaurant. Apparently they learned this one from her. Some of you may have heard of this, some of you are going to think I'm nuts. Some of you already think I'm nuts so anything I say past this will just be whipped cream on the nutty sundae.
Apparently there is a miracle cure found at the liquor store. It's called Rock and Rye. This is the grossest thing I think I've ever put in my body. It's a reddish brown liquid with sliced oranges and cherries floating in it. The liqueur gets it name from Rock Candy that is placed in Rye Whiskey while distilling and packed with candied oranges to give it a 'distinct' flavor. If you drink this 80 proof wonder drug, it is rumored to clear up your congestion and knock out your cold...as well as the rest of you.
I was told by the lovely ladies to heat it up and mix some honey in it and sip it like hot tea. I tried this method and abruptly turned off by the distinct smell of old alcohol. The only way I can describe it is the smell coming out of someone's pores after a 2 or 3 day drinking binge. It was disgusting! I only managed to get down about 4 sips before I gave up. I will say that I started to feel a little better but nothing spectacular.
So tonight I decided to go with a different method recommended by a younger, hipper regular. She told me to just shoot the stuff. Take about two shots and go to bed. Well I tried that too. It was waaaaay better and easier to take and within about 3 minutes It felt like my nostrils were opening up and my sinuses were parting like the red sea! The top of my head started to clear and my ears felt like they were finally free to hear again. However, no sleepytime. So I thought I would take a couple more shots to knock me out. I figured what the hey! Everyone claims that I will sleep better than I ever have if I take this stuff so I want that elusive sleep, dang it!
So here it is 3 am and my Rock and Rye sleep is a Rockin' flop. I feel tired but not sleepy. But will say that my cold is almost completely gone and I definitely no longer have a sore throat or a head ache. So overall I give this method a 7. It cured what ailed me but it did nothing for my insomnia. Just goes to show ya, you can't drink all your troubles away...
When you get sick everyone seems to know what to tell you what to do. I've heard all kindsa remedies but this one by far was the weirdest. I have a couple regulars at the bar that happen to be best friends with the owner of my restaurant. Apparently they learned this one from her. Some of you may have heard of this, some of you are going to think I'm nuts. Some of you already think I'm nuts so anything I say past this will just be whipped cream on the nutty sundae.
Apparently there is a miracle cure found at the liquor store. It's called Rock and Rye. This is the grossest thing I think I've ever put in my body. It's a reddish brown liquid with sliced oranges and cherries floating in it. The liqueur gets it name from Rock Candy that is placed in Rye Whiskey while distilling and packed with candied oranges to give it a 'distinct' flavor. If you drink this 80 proof wonder drug, it is rumored to clear up your congestion and knock out your cold...as well as the rest of you.
I was told by the lovely ladies to heat it up and mix some honey in it and sip it like hot tea. I tried this method and abruptly turned off by the distinct smell of old alcohol. The only way I can describe it is the smell coming out of someone's pores after a 2 or 3 day drinking binge. It was disgusting! I only managed to get down about 4 sips before I gave up. I will say that I started to feel a little better but nothing spectacular.
So tonight I decided to go with a different method recommended by a younger, hipper regular. She told me to just shoot the stuff. Take about two shots and go to bed. Well I tried that too. It was waaaaay better and easier to take and within about 3 minutes It felt like my nostrils were opening up and my sinuses were parting like the red sea! The top of my head started to clear and my ears felt like they were finally free to hear again. However, no sleepytime. So I thought I would take a couple more shots to knock me out. I figured what the hey! Everyone claims that I will sleep better than I ever have if I take this stuff so I want that elusive sleep, dang it!
So here it is 3 am and my Rock and Rye sleep is a Rockin' flop. I feel tired but not sleepy. But will say that my cold is almost completely gone and I definitely no longer have a sore throat or a head ache. So overall I give this method a 7. It cured what ailed me but it did nothing for my insomnia. Just goes to show ya, you can't drink all your troubles away...
Monday, December 01, 2008
58lbs and other things I need to get off...
So I just saw this commercial on tv for The Realize Band. It's a gastric banding surgery that helps you lose weight. I've always wanted to do this so I went to the website and took the 'eligibility quiz'. Im apparently not fat enough. I am 'only' 58lbs over weight. ONLY? So I guess there is no quick fix for my 'obesity'. Guess I'll have to get it off the old fashioned way... dang it.
On to the next subject, Christmas. It's that time again and I've not been single for the last three Christmas'. I'm having mixed emotions about all this. On one hand it's going to cost me a crap ton less because I don't have an ungrateful boyfriend and his ungrateful family to purchase gifts for. On the other hand I have no one to put up a tree with and wake up to on Christmas morning. Two of my favorite activities. So I'm thinking I might have a Tree Trimming party. The only problem is I will have to do it on a Sunday and I don't have free Sunday until the 14th. Next week I'm going to Charlotte with Brit and the gang to look at brides maid dresses. I guess I could have a decorating party when we get back...I don't know. What should I do? I'm so particular about things I might be better off just doing it myself.
Well I've decided to get up off the couch and clean my house. I know, I know...it's a shock considering I've been sitting on my butt since Saturday night. But I think it's time, I smell something that isn't familiar and I must find it's source! Wish me luck!
On to the next subject, Christmas. It's that time again and I've not been single for the last three Christmas'. I'm having mixed emotions about all this. On one hand it's going to cost me a crap ton less because I don't have an ungrateful boyfriend and his ungrateful family to purchase gifts for. On the other hand I have no one to put up a tree with and wake up to on Christmas morning. Two of my favorite activities. So I'm thinking I might have a Tree Trimming party. The only problem is I will have to do it on a Sunday and I don't have free Sunday until the 14th. Next week I'm going to Charlotte with Brit and the gang to look at brides maid dresses. I guess I could have a decorating party when we get back...I don't know. What should I do? I'm so particular about things I might be better off just doing it myself.
Well I've decided to get up off the couch and clean my house. I know, I know...it's a shock considering I've been sitting on my butt since Saturday night. But I think it's time, I smell something that isn't familiar and I must find it's source! Wish me luck!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Smash it.
I've managed destroy the closest thing to perfect that I'll ever find. I don't understand why I let things get the best of me. Why I can't just enjoy things and roll with it. I'm guessing that I have some kind of unconscious need to sabotage myself.
I've always stood by the thought of "Don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answer to." Well I decided to go digging in what is otherwise a perfect situation and found a great big ol' pile of bull crap. So now what do I do. I am not the kind of person to let these things go. I can't just accept his explanation and move on. I have have to over analyze the thing to death and constantly re-hash it in my head. Every he doesn't respond to my texts or doesn't answer the phone I'm going to think he has someone else over there. No matter how hard I try I know me. I'm going to work myself into an obsessive tizzy and then I'll just blow the whole thing up.
I know it's easy for you to say..."well Jade, just calm down and take things slow." Hey, guess what? That ain't me! If you didn't know that already welcome to the show and thanks for playing. I've got some serious obsessive issues that no amount of therapy and/or medication has ever cured.
And then we have Daniel. I don't know why I can't let this boy go. He is absolutely NOTHING that I want in life. NOTHING. I miss him sometimes so much that it hurts and then I call him. And then we fight because he doesnt' get me and I dont' get him and I spend the whole next day trying to get him to speak to me again! I'll be glad when December 8th finally rolls around so we can go to this football game and get this darn thing over with! Cut it off, let it hurt, move on!
Now we come to Shane. Shane is a ghost from my past that rears his ugly head every so often. He shows up, screws with my head and then runs off to parts unknown for a few years. Shane is as close to a 'soul mate' that I think I have ever found. Which is what makes it sooo hard to just not respond to the texts. Shane also lives with his girlfriend of 2 years..forgot to mention that too huh? Well he keeps saying he wants out of the relationship but he has to know that I want him first. I don't want him. I don't want him screwing with me anymore. But then I hear his voice and I crumble. Why do I let these people do this to me and why do they do it? Why is it that people feel the need to mess with others sanity?
I've always stood by the thought of "Don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answer to." Well I decided to go digging in what is otherwise a perfect situation and found a great big ol' pile of bull crap. So now what do I do. I am not the kind of person to let these things go. I can't just accept his explanation and move on. I have have to over analyze the thing to death and constantly re-hash it in my head. Every he doesn't respond to my texts or doesn't answer the phone I'm going to think he has someone else over there. No matter how hard I try I know me. I'm going to work myself into an obsessive tizzy and then I'll just blow the whole thing up.
I know it's easy for you to say..."well Jade, just calm down and take things slow." Hey, guess what? That ain't me! If you didn't know that already welcome to the show and thanks for playing. I've got some serious obsessive issues that no amount of therapy and/or medication has ever cured.
And then we have Daniel. I don't know why I can't let this boy go. He is absolutely NOTHING that I want in life. NOTHING. I miss him sometimes so much that it hurts and then I call him. And then we fight because he doesnt' get me and I dont' get him and I spend the whole next day trying to get him to speak to me again! I'll be glad when December 8th finally rolls around so we can go to this football game and get this darn thing over with! Cut it off, let it hurt, move on!
Now we come to Shane. Shane is a ghost from my past that rears his ugly head every so often. He shows up, screws with my head and then runs off to parts unknown for a few years. Shane is as close to a 'soul mate' that I think I have ever found. Which is what makes it sooo hard to just not respond to the texts. Shane also lives with his girlfriend of 2 years..forgot to mention that too huh? Well he keeps saying he wants out of the relationship but he has to know that I want him first. I don't want him. I don't want him screwing with me anymore. But then I hear his voice and I crumble. Why do I let these people do this to me and why do they do it? Why is it that people feel the need to mess with others sanity?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Pushing Daisies aka: The Greatest Show to grace my DVR in like forever!
I don't watch much on ABC. Dancing with the Stars and Desperate Housewives has tainted their image in my mind. Therefore when they do have a gem of show I miss out on it. Somehow I have started receiving TV guide. I didn't subscribe it just started coming, in my name to my apartment. (It's no longer a small cute, fat Reader's Digest-esque book anymore either ps.) I didn't even realize it was the actual TV guide until I started reading them. They have great crosswords in the back btw.
So anyway, there was a fall preview in the first one I received so I got to find out what shows I wanted to record this season. I read about this kitschy little show called Pushing Daisies on ABC and it seemed like something I would like so I added it to my DVR list. I have all the episodes since the beginning of the season recorded and had yet to watch them, so yesterday I decided it was time. Now I'm kicking myself for not watching them sooner! Especially since Deidre (of Rock 92 morning show fame) mentioned that it is getting the boot after this season! I haven't been this upset since I found out they cancelled "My So Called Life"!
Pushing Daisies is brought to us from the writer of "Dead Like Me" another WONDERFUL show that was canceled way before it's time. Last season was the first season and according to Wikipedia this season ends with a HUGE cliffhanger involving a main character. Shows can't just end like this! It was even were nominated for 10 Emmy's and won 3 at this past Emmy awards! So why the heck are they cancelling this show?
Another reason I love Pushing Daisies is Kristin Chenowith plays Olive Snook on the show and btw was nominated for an Emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy series. For those of you who don't know, Chenowith is a stage actress most notably known for her work as Glinda the Good Witch in the Broadway production of "Wicked". She is an amazingly animated actress that makes the character she plays come to life!
I can't possibly do the description of this show justice so I will include an introduction by ABC.
So anyway, there was a fall preview in the first one I received so I got to find out what shows I wanted to record this season. I read about this kitschy little show called Pushing Daisies on ABC and it seemed like something I would like so I added it to my DVR list. I have all the episodes since the beginning of the season recorded and had yet to watch them, so yesterday I decided it was time. Now I'm kicking myself for not watching them sooner! Especially since Deidre (of Rock 92 morning show fame) mentioned that it is getting the boot after this season! I haven't been this upset since I found out they cancelled "My So Called Life"!
Pushing Daisies is brought to us from the writer of "Dead Like Me" another WONDERFUL show that was canceled way before it's time. Last season was the first season and according to Wikipedia this season ends with a HUGE cliffhanger involving a main character. Shows can't just end like this! It was even were nominated for 10 Emmy's and won 3 at this past Emmy awards! So why the heck are they cancelling this show?
Another reason I love Pushing Daisies is Kristin Chenowith plays Olive Snook on the show and btw was nominated for an Emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy series. For those of you who don't know, Chenowith is a stage actress most notably known for her work as Glinda the Good Witch in the Broadway production of "Wicked". She is an amazingly animated actress that makes the character she plays come to life!
I can't possibly do the description of this show justice so I will include an introduction by ABC.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The Glamorous life of Bartending...
(I wrote this several years ago but I love it so much I reposted.)
Back when I was single I noticed that when a guy found out that I was a bartender his attraction to me increased by about 30%. I usually left the bar with at least 2 numbers from random dudes sticking them in the tip jar or writing their number on the credit card receipt. This has always puzzled me and the only conclusion I can come to is that he thought he would get free drinks. Or the guys at the bar must have failed miserably with all the other chicks who aren't wearing a tuxedo shirt and black dockers and thought "well, she was sure nice to me all night. Maybe she likes me."
All the little servers wanna be bartenders, too. Thats all I hear from the kids at the restaurant. "How did you become a bartender? Did you have to go to school for it? Will you teach me?" Look kids, its really not all its cracked up to be. When a server takes a drink order at the table, let's say for a Margarita, a Sex on the Beach, a Pina Colada and a Guiness Draught, all they do is walk to the computer, type in the order and go run food...flirt with the cooks...clean some tables...text message their boyfriends...smoke in the bathroom, whatever. But that order then goes to the bartenders to make. Those are four COMPLETELY different drinks that are ALL step intensive. You are lookin' at a good two minutes of turn around.
Now say you are the bartender and you take that same drink order from a group that just sat at the bar. They are sitting right in front of you so they are watching you make it and telling you that their mom's second cousin is a bartender and he makes margarita's with a splash of orange juice and they really wished I woulda made it like that, meanwhile showing you pictures of their brother-in-laws dog who just had surgery on his anus. At that same time that you are smiling and acting like you care, you also have to make the servers drinks that rang in some ridiculous shot that no one has ever heard of but some douchebag at their table heard once at a bar in jersey and is trying to impress his date. Then a wide eyed food runner comes walking out of the kitchen and just stands in front of you with arms loaded down with food mouthing the words "where's seat 10" with a mixed look of fear and too much eyeliner. While all this is going on some butt-munch walks in and wants a $2.50 beer and hands you a $100 and you know you don't have the change but the manager is at the host stand attempting to be witty with the 16 year olds he's hired to boost his ego. About this time a server brings you a chocolate martini that you made half an hour ago and says the customer wanted an apple martini instead however they didn't realize what they had until they drank half of it. Then your regular at the end of bar yells for another round of whiskey and pabst blue ribbon for his buddies and while yer at it let him get a look at those 'big ol titties'. By this time a hostess has come to inform you that there is a To Go order waiting on line one and you look up to see your ex boyfriend walk in with a 5'10" blue eyed blonde with brand new boobs and Gucci bag.
Still want my job?
Back when I was single I noticed that when a guy found out that I was a bartender his attraction to me increased by about 30%. I usually left the bar with at least 2 numbers from random dudes sticking them in the tip jar or writing their number on the credit card receipt. This has always puzzled me and the only conclusion I can come to is that he thought he would get free drinks. Or the guys at the bar must have failed miserably with all the other chicks who aren't wearing a tuxedo shirt and black dockers and thought "well, she was sure nice to me all night. Maybe she likes me."
All the little servers wanna be bartenders, too. Thats all I hear from the kids at the restaurant. "How did you become a bartender? Did you have to go to school for it? Will you teach me?" Look kids, its really not all its cracked up to be. When a server takes a drink order at the table, let's say for a Margarita, a Sex on the Beach, a Pina Colada and a Guiness Draught, all they do is walk to the computer, type in the order and go run food...flirt with the cooks...clean some tables...text message their boyfriends...smoke in the bathroom, whatever. But that order then goes to the bartenders to make. Those are four COMPLETELY different drinks that are ALL step intensive. You are lookin' at a good two minutes of turn around.
Now say you are the bartender and you take that same drink order from a group that just sat at the bar. They are sitting right in front of you so they are watching you make it and telling you that their mom's second cousin is a bartender and he makes margarita's with a splash of orange juice and they really wished I woulda made it like that, meanwhile showing you pictures of their brother-in-laws dog who just had surgery on his anus. At that same time that you are smiling and acting like you care, you also have to make the servers drinks that rang in some ridiculous shot that no one has ever heard of but some douchebag at their table heard once at a bar in jersey and is trying to impress his date. Then a wide eyed food runner comes walking out of the kitchen and just stands in front of you with arms loaded down with food mouthing the words "where's seat 10" with a mixed look of fear and too much eyeliner. While all this is going on some butt-munch walks in and wants a $2.50 beer and hands you a $100 and you know you don't have the change but the manager is at the host stand attempting to be witty with the 16 year olds he's hired to boost his ego. About this time a server brings you a chocolate martini that you made half an hour ago and says the customer wanted an apple martini instead however they didn't realize what they had until they drank half of it. Then your regular at the end of bar yells for another round of whiskey and pabst blue ribbon for his buddies and while yer at it let him get a look at those 'big ol titties'. By this time a hostess has come to inform you that there is a To Go order waiting on line one and you look up to see your ex boyfriend walk in with a 5'10" blue eyed blonde with brand new boobs and Gucci bag.
Still want my job?
The Four Agreements
I've been in a weird place lately. A place I don't like to visit much less live, but somehow I always end up here. My life tends to cycle in and out of this place. I go through extreme highs where I feel like nothing can go wrong and all lifes problems are easily solved. Then, someone can say something as simple as "Your hair looked better long", and all of the sudden I'm second guessing every decision I've ever made.
I'm probably the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I'm pretty sure that comes from my inate ability to make sure all my bases are covered. I refuse to make any decision unless I think about it from every single angle. I think through the possible outcomes from any action I may or may not take. I worry about others feelings far and above my own. I have infinite empathy and very little self value, therefore I will always sacrifice myself for the good of others. Not many people relize this about me. Most of my sacrificing is done silently as to not alert the beneficiary. I don't give of myself out of glory; I do it for the harmony of life. If I take one for the team, the team prospers not the individual.
I value friendship above all else. It is very hard for me to let people into my sacred circle that I call 'best friends'. All of my friends are 'best' or they wouldn't be my friend at all. But there are a few people who I consider close enough to give my life for. My 'online friend' Amanda summed this up as "Core Friendships" in her latest blog. Here is an excerpt from that particular blog:
"There are only a few people in my life who really understand the meaning of friendship. People who truly care about you and your existence. People who know you, go beyond stupid formalities, and don't force feed you bullshit on a daily basis. People who actually care that you had a bad day, or know the names of your family members. People who aren't wrapped up in money, or perceived importance. People who relish personal history, and don't think about what they can get from you. People who are honest, tell you the truth, and are thankful for you. They remember your birthday, and have private jokes. These people are what you call your CORE- and they are sometimes all you have. Cherish them, love them, and tell them you care- because real friends are hard to come by- and are a diamond in the rough."
I simply could not have said that better myself so I had to quote her. I value friendship from those that are willing to give it. Please don't use my needs against me. If I let you into my heart and mind, don't abuse that priviledge. You are only hurting yourself in the long run and it's the long run that counts.
I've learned to try and take things one day at a time. The less I obsess, the more I enjoy my day to day grind. I don't care for people that rush my process and I certainly do my best work at my own pace. Yes, it makes for a late start at times and can sometimes be misconstrued as lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm deep. "I'm living in the left hand lane of my city, slow down and let me walk this highway with you." ~The Waifs
Patience goes hand in hand with this new lease on life. I've always had a hard time with that. I want what I want when I want it and have a tendency to dive head first into a situation with no regard for anyone elses feelings much less my own. That has stopped abruptly as of late. Not because I made a conscious decision to do so, but I was forced to. Axl Rose may be an idiot but he can write the heck out of some lyrics.
"I've been walkin' the streets to night
just trying to get it right
it's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd
And the streets don't change, but maybe the names
I ain't got time for this game
'Cause I need you" ~GnR
I'm not by any means saying I'm perfect. I am flawed extensively and have the scars to prove it. I tend to give better advice than I accept. I try to practice what I preach but I can't always let go of my pride. I am powerless to control others actions and feelings towards me. I know this, but I can't seem to accept it as truth. I preach my gospel and don't understand why others don't flock to me. Duh. I don't walk my own talk.
I will leave you with The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz
To Quote Henry Rollins....
So lately I've been getting a lot of flak for my lifestyle from people who don't even know me. But then again, can you ever really 'know' someone. I barely know myself most of the time. But that is another blog for another day...
Lets start with the basics. Everybody Lies. Not only is that a fabulous "House M.D." reference, it's a motto for life. If you just go ahead and accept that the majority of the people you meet in your life will feed you a certain amount of bullcrap with a side order of truth, then you will live a much less stressful existence. My friend Ian said it best in a blog of his at the end of March entitled "The Libido's Red Flags":
"MySpace and other social networking have their own particular red flags. If someone goes on at length about how much she HATES LIARS, I'm turned off, not because I consider myself a liar (except in the professional sense) or think that prevarication should be embraced as a way of life, but because it seems stupid and unimaginative to waste time posting such a cliché and useless prohibition. Do those women really think that the liars of the world are going to say "oh, she hates my type, I better not email her or send her a friend request!" And the women who feel the need to talk about how much they hate drama, especially in ALL CAPS, are all too often prone to drama themselves, and are blaming the self-created emotional turbulence of their romantic lives on other people."
This seriously struck home for me. No, I do not always tell the truth. No, I am not always forth coming with every detail of my life for the whole world to know. It's basically no one's business but my own. I also tend to think that sometimes people ask questions that they really don't want to know the answer to. A few years ago I asked several questions and quickly realized I did not want to know the answers that I faced. I learned right then and there, ignorance is bliss and I will never ask a question that I really don't want to know the answer to. My life has been a lot less painful and a lot more productive once I learned to stop asking questions and just go with the flow. Some things are just better left unsaid and if someone lies to you because you didn't have the good sense to protect your own heart, count it a blessing.
Especially in this cyber world we call MySpace! This place that we hang out in is not reality. From time to time I've fallen victim to the hype myself, but if you take the time to step back and look at things rationally you realize that it is all just silly. People get so worked up about the most ridiculous things. Just because someone leaves a comment on your friends page, it doesn't mean they are madly in love and are going to run off to Mexico and have babies! I personally like to leave comments that are inside jokes between me and the person I'm commenting on. They are 'inside' jokes because they are between us and us alone. If some psychotic lunatic reads it an suddenly starts crying over spilt milk, it really isn't my concern.
On to the next subject, playing the victim. I personally am way to strong and have way too much self worth to fall for the 'victim' mentality. I try to always take responsibility for my own actions and not blame my misfortune on others. You have to accept that you are powerless over the way others treat you or react to you. We slip easily into victim mentality when we we try to get exactly what we want in less than ideal circumstances and when we can't, we allow ourselves to be trapped in no-win choices. Often, we aren't even willing to consider any choice other than the ideal choice. When we are in victim mentality, we don't see the range of choices we have and we wallow in resentment. We feel helpless. In order to eliminate our victim mentality, you must accept the reality of the situation instead of trying to achieve the ideal. Find the best choice available within the reality of the circumstances and then accept that choice instead of resenting it.
When you play the victim you are making someone else the abuser and often that person does not deserve your hostility. When we don't get what we want, we tend to blame others rather than looking in the mirror at our own faults. And sometimes, no one is at fault. Sometimes, just because you want something to be true doesn't mean it is. Not everyone is what they say they are and not everyone wants what you think they should want. If someone doesn't want you, you can't bully them or guilt them into it.
Life is fluid. Learn to ride the waves.
Lets start with the basics. Everybody Lies. Not only is that a fabulous "House M.D." reference, it's a motto for life. If you just go ahead and accept that the majority of the people you meet in your life will feed you a certain amount of bullcrap with a side order of truth, then you will live a much less stressful existence. My friend Ian said it best in a blog of his at the end of March entitled "The Libido's Red Flags":
"MySpace and other social networking have their own particular red flags. If someone goes on at length about how much she HATES LIARS, I'm turned off, not because I consider myself a liar (except in the professional sense) or think that prevarication should be embraced as a way of life, but because it seems stupid and unimaginative to waste time posting such a cliché and useless prohibition. Do those women really think that the liars of the world are going to say "oh, she hates my type, I better not email her or send her a friend request!" And the women who feel the need to talk about how much they hate drama, especially in ALL CAPS, are all too often prone to drama themselves, and are blaming the self-created emotional turbulence of their romantic lives on other people."
This seriously struck home for me. No, I do not always tell the truth. No, I am not always forth coming with every detail of my life for the whole world to know. It's basically no one's business but my own. I also tend to think that sometimes people ask questions that they really don't want to know the answer to. A few years ago I asked several questions and quickly realized I did not want to know the answers that I faced. I learned right then and there, ignorance is bliss and I will never ask a question that I really don't want to know the answer to. My life has been a lot less painful and a lot more productive once I learned to stop asking questions and just go with the flow. Some things are just better left unsaid and if someone lies to you because you didn't have the good sense to protect your own heart, count it a blessing.
Especially in this cyber world we call MySpace! This place that we hang out in is not reality. From time to time I've fallen victim to the hype myself, but if you take the time to step back and look at things rationally you realize that it is all just silly. People get so worked up about the most ridiculous things. Just because someone leaves a comment on your friends page, it doesn't mean they are madly in love and are going to run off to Mexico and have babies! I personally like to leave comments that are inside jokes between me and the person I'm commenting on. They are 'inside' jokes because they are between us and us alone. If some psychotic lunatic reads it an suddenly starts crying over spilt milk, it really isn't my concern.
On to the next subject, playing the victim. I personally am way to strong and have way too much self worth to fall for the 'victim' mentality. I try to always take responsibility for my own actions and not blame my misfortune on others. You have to accept that you are powerless over the way others treat you or react to you. We slip easily into victim mentality when we we try to get exactly what we want in less than ideal circumstances and when we can't, we allow ourselves to be trapped in no-win choices. Often, we aren't even willing to consider any choice other than the ideal choice. When we are in victim mentality, we don't see the range of choices we have and we wallow in resentment. We feel helpless. In order to eliminate our victim mentality, you must accept the reality of the situation instead of trying to achieve the ideal. Find the best choice available within the reality of the circumstances and then accept that choice instead of resenting it.
When you play the victim you are making someone else the abuser and often that person does not deserve your hostility. When we don't get what we want, we tend to blame others rather than looking in the mirror at our own faults. And sometimes, no one is at fault. Sometimes, just because you want something to be true doesn't mean it is. Not everyone is what they say they are and not everyone wants what you think they should want. If someone doesn't want you, you can't bully them or guilt them into it.
Life is fluid. Learn to ride the waves.
The New Face of Rocks
I have re-vamped my blog for your reading pleasure. I have new interests, new about me's and a new name.
So I'll introduce myself for the new readers.
Hi, I'm Jade aka: Jade Rocks...get it?
I'm a bartender and a perpetual student. I'm not ready to grow up and I'm not ready to give up. I eat what I want and say what I mean. Some of my posts might offend you. If they do, then argue with me. I love banter, especially of the intelligent kind. I love to write but I'm not super great with my grammar so don't bust my chops. I will always use contractions correctly and spell to the best of my spell check ability.
And yes, Jade is my real name. And no, I won't tell you where I work. It's hard enough out there without having stalkers!
So stay tuned and I'll surely entertain you....
So I'll introduce myself for the new readers.
Hi, I'm Jade aka: Jade Rocks...get it?
I'm a bartender and a perpetual student. I'm not ready to grow up and I'm not ready to give up. I eat what I want and say what I mean. Some of my posts might offend you. If they do, then argue with me. I love banter, especially of the intelligent kind. I love to write but I'm not super great with my grammar so don't bust my chops. I will always use contractions correctly and spell to the best of my spell check ability.
And yes, Jade is my real name. And no, I won't tell you where I work. It's hard enough out there without having stalkers!
So stay tuned and I'll surely entertain you....
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
"Come on Home Girl" he said with a smile...
If you've never experienced this, you haven't lived. Everytime I watch this scene I get a flutter in the pit of my stomach and my knees go weak. That feeling of standing there, right frickin' there when the drums start....the bass line drops...and he the lights come up.... wow. Then having your 'musician' give you sly little looks off the side of the stage....priceless. Absolutely priceless.
I'm sure it doesn't compare to the rush of actually being out there. I'm sure it's all pretty lame to an actual musician, but to the little country girl from Gibsonville, it's the world.
By musician, I don't mean the guys that sit around and play guitar with their buddies when they are drunk. I mean the 'working' musicians. The guy on the stage. The guy that flirts with the song he wrote years ago for some other girl. The guy that undressed you with his eyes while banging out his heart and soul on the keyboard. The guy that is pouring is every breath into making you feel his passion. The guy that knows what it feels like to be "Almost Famous".
Of course, I saw Almost Famous way after I had made my rounds with the band dudes. I'm pretty sure I was done with them by this time as well. But this scene, totally reminded me of the life. Of the rush. Of the passion. Of the intensity. Of the mistaken lust for love.
All women are attracted to musicians, but not all women can pull the musicians. It takes a certain kind of girl to get their attention. To really get their attention. They can tell the groupies from the 'band aids' so to speak. They know when she is really there for the music, at least in the beginning.
It's the passion. We are attracted to passion and the swagger. Guys on stage have this unmistakable confidence that just makes them hot even if they are 5'4" and four sheets to the wind. It's an insane thing that comes over us when we hear him sing our favorite song or watch him work the room. You know, you simply know that he has to have something or know something that no one else does. You must make him yours.
Then, you do. And you spend the rest of your relationship worried that any and every other girl in the room from now on wants your man the way you did. And you correct. And there will always be some girl that is prettier, sluttier, funnier, smarter, and cooler than you gunning for him. She will pull every trick in the book and she will succeed....just like you did.
And it's not his fault. He is simply living his dream. He is simply riding the waves. He likes you just fine. There is nothing wrong with you, but he lives in a world where relationships and monogamy don't seem to mix. Where sobriety is a myth and your every wish can be granted at the snap of a finger or ink on a rider. He is the rock star; you will always come in second place. Always.
You can try and Yoko the situation. You can try and tame him. You can try and keep him at bay. But eventually, you will be mother rather than a lover to him and he will resent you with every word out of your mouth.
And so it ends.
And you find yourself at another show, with another wink from another drummer or lead singer...and you fall one more time.
Eventually, we grow up. Eventually we figure out that we can't be the one. We will never be the one. And there was always some other girl that broke his heart and made them want to be free.
So you stop going to shows. You stop working in bars. You stop dressing in leather and spandex. You meet a respectable man with a 'grown up' job and you settle into a normal life. Then something happens to remind you of the good ol' days. Something unmistakeable. Maybe its a song. Maybe its a movie. Maybe its an actual musician. But something reminds you of that feeling and you lose your frickin' mind all over again....
"It's all happening..."
Friday, January 11, 2008
Very cool quiz
87% Barack Obama
86% John Edwards
85% Hillary Clinton
82% Chris Dodd
80% Mike Gravel
77% Dennis Kucinich
77% Joe Biden
73% Bill Richardson
49% Rudy Giuliani
41% John McCain
33% Mike Huckabee
32% Mitt Romney
24% Tom Tancredo
18% Ron Paul
18% Fred Thompson
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
86% John Edwards
85% Hillary Clinton
82% Chris Dodd
80% Mike Gravel
77% Dennis Kucinich
77% Joe Biden
73% Bill Richardson
49% Rudy Giuliani
41% John McCain
33% Mike Huckabee
32% Mitt Romney
24% Tom Tancredo
18% Ron Paul
18% Fred Thompson
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
Friday, October 19, 2007
Online delimmas.
Three online dilemma’s...What is the etiquette here?
I have three things presently bothering me online. I am presenting them to you guys to see if you have a solution for me.
1. There is a girl who lately has been making strides to be my friend. I know this girl through my boyfriend and I just don't know if she is genuine. He tells me that she used to call him weekly and once held a considerable crush on him. She also is on again off again bff's with his ex-fiance. It seems as though every time they are off again she pops up and wants to hang out. Do I trust this? My bf has told me that she has told him to leave me before because I was no good for him and only upset him. But of course we all know Eric isn't known for his trust worthy-ness. This particular girl has always been very nice to me in person and seems to be genuine but you never know if you should trust a woman or not. I don't want to get all buddy buddy with someone and let them into my life only to have them sell trade secrets to the enemy or use me to get to my boyfriend. (truth be told I might not mind the latter.) She has asked me to work out with her, like at the walking park and have lunch with her. Should I?
2. My second dilemma really is just more of a gripe. There is a girl who is on my page that constantly puts down or belittles anything that I like. But she continually makes attempts and hanging out with me or friendship. I don't understand why this girl would want to be my friend if she finds everything about me to suck. I don't know why I haven't deleted her. I think I just enjoy the abuse.
3. My third situation is something of a touchy nature. I have a tendency to get bored and want to mess with people and this is a bit tempting but I know it might hurt some people as well. Awhile ago this random guy sent me a message asking to be friends. I looked at his page and he seemed relatively harmless. He has a girlfriend and seems to like the same things I do. Other than being overly athletic and adventurous, I think we could be friends. I've always had guy friends so it's not really a big deal. He lives in W-S too so I thought we could be friends. We exchanged a few emails and after I gave him my standard speech about not knowing anything about W-S and looking for places to hang out, he stopped responding. I figured I probably scared the dude with my overwhelming neediness and he just decided to stay away from me. No biggy, I'm used to it.
So yesterday I got a message from him asking if I was looking for "some fun on the side". What the? So I sent him something back asking him which side because I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to be hilarious. But then I starting looking at his page and his gf's page and saw a blog she had posted. It talked about how he had just had a 'heart procedure' and that she didn't realize how much she could care about someone and how in love with him she is. She said, and I quote "Until now, I didn't know that it was possible to care this much about someone. If anything were to ever happen to him, I would be completely helpless and lost. I am completely, hopelessly devoted, and in love with this man. I can't imagine my life without him and I don't know where I would go, what I would do, or who I would turn to". So do I tell her about what he said only one day after her having posted this? I would want to know if the man I'm 'hopelessly devoted' to were looking for some 'fun on the side'. Plus homeboy has no idea that I'm not really as attractive as my myspace would suggest. But that is beside the point. I know by forwarding this message to the girl it would only cause problems for them and he would spin something to make it seem like I had doctored things, but this girl is only being set up for disaster down the road. This dude obviously has no intention of being faithful to this girl and I think she should know before she seriously gets hurt. What do ya'll think?
I have three things presently bothering me online. I am presenting them to you guys to see if you have a solution for me.
1. There is a girl who lately has been making strides to be my friend. I know this girl through my boyfriend and I just don't know if she is genuine. He tells me that she used to call him weekly and once held a considerable crush on him. She also is on again off again bff's with his ex-fiance. It seems as though every time they are off again she pops up and wants to hang out. Do I trust this? My bf has told me that she has told him to leave me before because I was no good for him and only upset him. But of course we all know Eric isn't known for his trust worthy-ness. This particular girl has always been very nice to me in person and seems to be genuine but you never know if you should trust a woman or not. I don't want to get all buddy buddy with someone and let them into my life only to have them sell trade secrets to the enemy or use me to get to my boyfriend. (truth be told I might not mind the latter.) She has asked me to work out with her, like at the walking park and have lunch with her. Should I?
2. My second dilemma really is just more of a gripe. There is a girl who is on my page that constantly puts down or belittles anything that I like. But she continually makes attempts and hanging out with me or friendship. I don't understand why this girl would want to be my friend if she finds everything about me to suck. I don't know why I haven't deleted her. I think I just enjoy the abuse.
3. My third situation is something of a touchy nature. I have a tendency to get bored and want to mess with people and this is a bit tempting but I know it might hurt some people as well. Awhile ago this random guy sent me a message asking to be friends. I looked at his page and he seemed relatively harmless. He has a girlfriend and seems to like the same things I do. Other than being overly athletic and adventurous, I think we could be friends. I've always had guy friends so it's not really a big deal. He lives in W-S too so I thought we could be friends. We exchanged a few emails and after I gave him my standard speech about not knowing anything about W-S and looking for places to hang out, he stopped responding. I figured I probably scared the dude with my overwhelming neediness and he just decided to stay away from me. No biggy, I'm used to it.
So yesterday I got a message from him asking if I was looking for "some fun on the side". What the? So I sent him something back asking him which side because I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to be hilarious. But then I starting looking at his page and his gf's page and saw a blog she had posted. It talked about how he had just had a 'heart procedure' and that she didn't realize how much she could care about someone and how in love with him she is. She said, and I quote "Until now, I didn't know that it was possible to care this much about someone. If anything were to ever happen to him, I would be completely helpless and lost. I am completely, hopelessly devoted, and in love with this man. I can't imagine my life without him and I don't know where I would go, what I would do, or who I would turn to". So do I tell her about what he said only one day after her having posted this? I would want to know if the man I'm 'hopelessly devoted' to were looking for some 'fun on the side'. Plus homeboy has no idea that I'm not really as attractive as my myspace would suggest. But that is beside the point. I know by forwarding this message to the girl it would only cause problems for them and he would spin something to make it seem like I had doctored things, but this girl is only being set up for disaster down the road. This dude obviously has no intention of being faithful to this girl and I think she should know before she seriously gets hurt. What do ya'll think?
Monday, October 01, 2007
The Pursuit of a 'Good Man'
She thought she had a 'Good Man' until she moved in with him and his age and inexperience exposed him. She still tried to salvage the 'Good' but the damage was done. Irresponsibility, does not a 'Good Man' make.
And she thought she had a 'Good Man' until his lying and cheating were leaked by the accomplice. Every time she looks at him she sees 'Doubt' printed on his forehead, but continues to remember the 'Good' times. The 'Good Man' is now rebuilding his credibility...does that make him 'Damaged Man' now?
I often hear women say they just wish they could find a 'Good Man'. Maybe they need to work on their idea of 'Good'. Does this ideal of a 'Good Man' exist? If he does, is he stuck in a loveless relationship because in being 'Good' he doesn't abandon his responsibilities? Does the 'Good' in him get confused for friendship, therefore never creating a romantic spark?
I have never had a 'Good Man'. I have met a few, but they all expose their flaws eventually. Perfection isn't essential in the pursuit of 'Good', but integrity, responsibility and honesty are. Whenever I find my personal ideal of the 'Good', he doesn't want me. So in essence, he can't be a 'Good Man', can he? I mean who wouldn't want me? Not me per se, but the collective me; Women. A 'Good Man' would want me for me and love me for me. I would be enough for a 'Good Man'. He would satify me emotionally and physically. He would compliment my idiosyncrasies, and understand my eccentricities. He would be witty and smart. He would be loving and empathetic. I would be completly smitten by him and never want for another. He would be my 'Good Man' and I would cherish him with all the love in my heart.
And she thought she had a 'Good Man' until his lying and cheating were leaked by the accomplice. Every time she looks at him she sees 'Doubt' printed on his forehead, but continues to remember the 'Good' times. The 'Good Man' is now rebuilding his credibility...does that make him 'Damaged Man' now?
I often hear women say they just wish they could find a 'Good Man'. Maybe they need to work on their idea of 'Good'. Does this ideal of a 'Good Man' exist? If he does, is he stuck in a loveless relationship because in being 'Good' he doesn't abandon his responsibilities? Does the 'Good' in him get confused for friendship, therefore never creating a romantic spark?
I have never had a 'Good Man'. I have met a few, but they all expose their flaws eventually. Perfection isn't essential in the pursuit of 'Good', but integrity, responsibility and honesty are. Whenever I find my personal ideal of the 'Good', he doesn't want me. So in essence, he can't be a 'Good Man', can he? I mean who wouldn't want me? Not me per se, but the collective me; Women. A 'Good Man' would want me for me and love me for me. I would be enough for a 'Good Man'. He would satify me emotionally and physically. He would compliment my idiosyncrasies, and understand my eccentricities. He would be witty and smart. He would be loving and empathetic. I would be completly smitten by him and never want for another. He would be my 'Good Man' and I would cherish him with all the love in my heart.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The one (or ten) that got away...
I'm in a wonderful relationship. I'm very happy and could never think of ruining it or leaving. But every once in a great while I think of the relationships that never were, for one reason or another.
I often day dream about what might have happened if... But you know if, "if" had happened, I might not be the person I am today and that person is who I want to be. Occasionally I stumble upon someone or something that reminds me of one of these key people and I get overwhelmed with nostalgia. The absolute worst is when they actually contact me and completely fall into a daydream with them. We reminesce and talk about the good old days, and by the end of the conversation I've fallen for them all over again.
Either I wasn't ready or they weren't ready; or they had major baggage that needed to be unpacked and by the time they off loaded I'd moved on. There are a few people in my life that really touched me. They messed my head and heart up so much that they will permanently remain in both. But for some reason or another we just could get our lives in a parallel tract.
Do you think that happened on purpose?
Do you think we were never meant to be?
Do you think I wanted it more than you did?
Do you think about me as often I as I do you?
I often day dream about what might have happened if... But you know if, "if" had happened, I might not be the person I am today and that person is who I want to be. Occasionally I stumble upon someone or something that reminds me of one of these key people and I get overwhelmed with nostalgia. The absolute worst is when they actually contact me and completely fall into a daydream with them. We reminesce and talk about the good old days, and by the end of the conversation I've fallen for them all over again.
Either I wasn't ready or they weren't ready; or they had major baggage that needed to be unpacked and by the time they off loaded I'd moved on. There are a few people in my life that really touched me. They messed my head and heart up so much that they will permanently remain in both. But for some reason or another we just could get our lives in a parallel tract.
Do you think that happened on purpose?
Do you think we were never meant to be?
Do you think I wanted it more than you did?
Do you think about me as often I as I do you?
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