I'm dying on the inside...despite my smile.

I took a second job so now I'm working between 10 to 15 hours six days a week. I'm only off work on Sundays now and one Sunday a month I gotta work that day too. I'm tired. I did this for a few reasons.

The main reason was to get my mind off being alone. I hate dating and I hate these none week relationships I keep finding myself in. I meet guys that I sorta like but end up dating them for about a week and its over. I either firebomb it with my bad attitude or my needy-ness, or they say or do something that I can't deal with. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. When you meet someone it should just flow. Effortlessly and easily. Of course problems will arise and differences will form, but when you first meet someone it shouldn't be a struggle to simply get along. Should it?

I thought that working this much would help me now worry about it so much. And it is true. When I'm at work, especially the new job I don't think or wonder about what is going on other than what I'm focused on. I can't have my phone with me so I'm not constantly checking it wondering if anyone has texted me. But then I come home and my body aches and my mind has time to process that I am coming home alone. That I have no one to massage my aching muscles..that I have no one to tell about my day..that I have no one to eat with..that I have no one to curl up with and sleep.

I hate that I'm like this but I really don't know how to fix it. All my friends are getting married or happily rolling through life with their significant others. They try to tell me that its not all its cracked up to be. And its not like I've never been in a relationship. I know there are bad times. I know that sometimes it sucks to answer to someone. But what they don't remember is what it's like to be alone. The grass always seems greener...

I don't really know what I hope to accomplish from this post. I guess I just needed to whine. I keep coming back to Cameron. I miss how totally and completely we connected. It was effortless and easy. It was perfect. It sucks. It really really sucks.