The Four Agreements

I've been in a weird place lately. A place I don't like to visit much less live, but somehow I always end up here. My life tends to cycle in and out of this place. I go through extreme highs where I feel like nothing can go wrong and all lifes problems are easily solved. Then, someone can say something as simple as "Your hair looked better long", and all of the sudden I'm second guessing every decision I've ever made.

I'm probably the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I'm pretty sure that comes from my inate ability to make sure all my bases are covered. I refuse to make any decision unless I think about it from every single angle. I think through the possible outcomes from any action I may or may not take. I worry about others feelings far and above my own. I have infinite empathy and very little self value, therefore I will always sacrifice myself for the good of others. Not many people relize this about me. Most of my sacrificing is done silently as to not alert the beneficiary. I don't give of myself out of glory; I do it for the harmony of life. If I take one for the team, the team prospers not the individual.

I value friendship above all else. It is very hard for me to let people into my sacred circle that I call 'best friends'. All of my friends are 'best' or they wouldn't be my friend at all. But there are a few people who I consider close enough to give my life for. My 'online friend' Amanda summed this up as "Core Friendships" in her latest blog. Here is an excerpt from that particular blog:

"There are only a few people in my life who really understand the meaning of friendship. People who truly care about you and your existence. People who know you, go beyond stupid formalities, and don't force feed you bullshit on a daily basis. People who actually care that you had a bad day, or know the names of your family members. People who aren't wrapped up in money, or perceived importance. People who relish personal history, and don't think about what they can get from you. People who are honest, tell you the truth, and are thankful for you. They remember your birthday, and have private jokes. These people are what you call your CORE- and they are sometimes all you have. Cherish them, love them, and tell them you care- because real friends are hard to come by- and are a diamond in the rough."

I simply could not have said that better myself so I had to quote her. I value friendship from those that are willing to give it. Please don't use my needs against me. If I let you into my heart and mind, don't abuse that priviledge. You are only hurting yourself in the long run and it's the long run that counts.

I've learned to try and take things one day at a time. The less I obsess, the more I enjoy my day to day grind. I don't care for people that rush my process and I certainly do my best work at my own pace. Yes, it makes for a late start at times and can sometimes be misconstrued as lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm deep. "I'm living in the left hand lane of my city, slow down and let me walk this highway with you." ~The Waifs

Patience goes hand in hand with this new lease on life. I've always had a hard time with that. I want what I want when I want it and have a tendency to dive head first into a situation with no regard for anyone elses feelings much less my own. That has stopped abruptly as of late. Not because I made a conscious decision to do so, but I was forced to. Axl Rose may be an idiot but he can write the heck out of some lyrics.

"I've been walkin' the streets to night
just trying to get it right
it's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd
And the streets don't change, but maybe the names
I ain't got time for this game
'Cause I need you" ~GnR

I'm not by any means saying I'm perfect. I am flawed extensively and have the scars to prove it. I tend to give better advice than I accept. I try to practice what I preach but I can't always let go of my pride. I am powerless to control others actions and feelings towards me. I know this, but I can't seem to accept it as truth. I preach my gospel and don't understand why others don't flock to me. Duh. I don't walk my own talk.

I will leave you with The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz