I wrote this originally as a paper for my English Class.

I am reposting this from my MySpace Archive. I think this is some of my best work.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


A personal narrative from a pro-choice liberal...


My Right to Life



At the age of 18, I was faced with a decision that a lot of young girls seem to be faced with way too often. I was pregnant, unwed and in a rapidly failing relationship. Fortunately, I had choices. I could do one of three things: I could raise a baby on my own and live up to my responsibilities as a parent; I could have an abortion which was well within my rights in The United States of America; or I could put my child up for adoption therefore taking care of my responsibilities and exercising my rights. I chose the ladder. This choice is rarely considered by pregnant women and speaking from experience, I know why.
In 1995 I was 18 and very confused about life even though I thought I held all the answers. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found this is a common theme amongst teenagers. I had already dropped out of college and was working at Tijuana Fat’s six days a week to pay my bills. I lived with my boyfriend at the time, Mike and his college friend Reece. We lived in a duplex across the street from UNCG and didn’t really have a whole lot of bills or responsibilities. Mike was a skater and worked at Steak Out six days a week. Reece was independently wealthy, being from an influential family from Washington DC and he was a full time student at Greensboro College. There was constant conflict between Reece and me and in June of 1995, Mike decided it was best if I moved out. Mike and I had been together for almost a year at this point and things had been rocky for the last three months or so. He had turned 21 and was growing apart from me. I was obsessive, bossy and just overall unhappy with life. When I look back at the situation now, I realize that it was due to immaturity on my part as well as just plain inexperience on both our parts. Mike was the first guy that I lived with and my first real relationship as an “adult”. I, in turn, was the first girl that he lived with but he had had a few other long term relationships. We both were really “green” in the grand scheme of things.
So I moved back home at the end of June and Mike and I continued to talk and essentially date but some things had changed. We just didn’t get along at all. I was always moody and it seemed that I was always sick and constantly throwing up. This was going on even before I moved home. I chalked it up to nerves and just ignored it. Well I also was gaining weight like a mad woman. I had previously been 125lbs and a size 6 when Mike and I started dating and suddenly I was 150lbs and in a size 10! I didn’t get it. So I started thinking that maybe I was pregnant. I had never had regular periods so knowing from a missed period wasn’t an option.
I distinctly remember on July 4th (the busy day of the year at our restaurant due to location) I was sweeping the floor and bent over to get under some equipment and felt and odd sensation. It felt as if I had something stuck under my shirt preventing me from bending over. I paid someone to finish up my side work and went home. I spent the entire rest of the night awake and worried. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was pregnant. I also knew that I didn’t want to raise a child at this point in my life. I was terrified to tell Mike of my findings because previously when I had alluded to the possibility of being pregnant he would say that I was only saying that to keep him. Therefore the thought of telling him about this terrified me. I knew he wouldn’t believe me and so I had to go to him with the evidence.
The next day I got a home pregnancy test and went to his house. I approached him with the possibility as calmly as I knew how and told him I would take the test in front of him. I did and the results were positive. We both decided that we needed to get a doctors test just to be sure. We knew that it was just our own form of denial but went through the motions none-the-less. We has talked about it and decided that once we got the positive test from the doctor that we wanted to go ahead with an abortion. We both knew that we weren’t ready to raise children and abortion was the easiest way to hide our “mistake”.
So we found an abortion clinic on Elm Street. and called them to set up an appointment. They would do a pregnancy test as well as an ultrasound to find out how far along I was. At the time the law in the state of North Carolina would allow for an abortion up to 21 weeks gestation and the only way to know for sure how far along I was, was to have an ultrasound. The appointment was set for that Friday and Mike and I went together. Mike waited in the lobby as I went to the back. The scene was so surreal to me. I remember looking at the room and it seemed as though it was shrouded in a haze of white mist and all of the doctors seemed to be very tall and slender women with long, white lab jackets and solemn faces. I felt as though I was being led into a science fiction novel where aliens were about to perform heinous acts on my body. The pregnancy test was positive, of course so I was taken into another room with a padded table and lots of intimidating equipment. I was asked to remove my clothes and in came a fair haired lady in her mid 50’s. She had lots of silver jewelry and funky glasses. I remember thinking that I wished she was my mother. She explained ultrasound to me and greased up my belly with a clear jelly. She took a device that looked very much like a man’s electric razor with the end capped with a rubber knob and placed on my belly which at this point was HUGE. After what seemed like hours but in actuality was probably about five minutes she informed me that it looks as though I was about 19 weeks and she was next going to check for two. TWO! What did she mean she was going to check for two?!?! She informed me this was common procedure and not to worry. Another four hours passed, about 10 minutes this time and she looked at me straight in the eyes. I’ll never forget that look. I saw her mouth moving as if it was in slow motion. The sound traveled towards me in waves that I could see floating like warbling clouds. “Honey, you’ve got twins.” My heart cracked that day. I felt it as clear as I feel the keys on this keyboard and it has never repaired. I could no longer feel my body. I wasn’t there in that room any longer. The realization that this was really happening was more than I could bear.
So, I had to walk into the lobby and tell Mike of the new information laid before me. I couldn’t speak, I could barely walk. If you asked me how I got from the back room to the lobby I would have to tell you I floated. Any other possibility just wouldn’t be plausible at that point. Speaking at that point was also a bodily function that wouldn’t happen. I just handed him the paper I had been given. I watched his eyes as they followed the lines on the paper. I knew the instant he saw the word twins. The look on his face has never and will never be describable.
A counselor came out front to get us both and present us with our options. The clinic we were in only did abortions up to 19 weeks but there were some in Chapel Hill that went to 21 weeks. However, due to the fact that I had twins they couldn’t make a solid determination as to my exact gestation. They knew that I was approximately between 19 and 22 weeks but that was all they could say for sure. Due to the controversy surrounding late term abortions they would feel more comfortable if I went to another state. Within minutes they had the Women’s Hospital in Houston Texas on the phone to explain my options. I was told that I would have to get to Houston within the next 4 days and it would cost my approximately $2200 for the procedure. Also, due the fact that my exact gestation could not be determined there was a slight possibility that I would have a “partial birth” abortion meaning I would essentially have to go through labor and there was a possibility that the fetuses would live. Whoa, that was more than I needed to hear. I couldn’t possibly go through with an abortion after all of the facts were placed in front of me. I know that women have the right to choose and that abortion was an option, but that option’s risks were just way too great for me. At that point adoption was my only option.
As luck would have it, the cousin of my best friend at the time was the head anesthesiologist at Women’s Hospital. Her name was Myra and she had a step daughter that was getting married soon. Her fiancé’s brother and wife had been trying to conceive children for 7 years with no luck. Myra hypothetically asked the couple if they would be interested in adopting twins. John and Lynne Lomax became the angels that would adopt and raise my boys. Alex and Eric Lomax are 9 years old now and healthy as can be. They could read when they were 4 and had several children’s books on what it means to be adopted.
Putting a child up for adoption isn’t for everyone. It takes a very strong individual to take on the responsibility of carrying a living being while knowing the whole time that it isn’t yours. Although the twins technically were mine, but the only way I could survive it was to tell myself they weren’t. Within a week of the abortion clinic fiasco, I was put on strict bed rest and eventually ended up in the hospital. I was told that I would be there until the twins were born because I had developed a serious liver problem as well as gestational diabetes. I consequently can no longer bear children. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt to talk about my experience but I can say that I’m completely comfortable with the decision I made and if I had it to do over I not only wouldn’t but couldn’t change a thing.