My sister came down from Philly with her two kids and we took them to the local water park with my boyfriend at the time and my stepmom. My boyfriend and I had been together almost 3 years at this point and he was basically a member of the family. They all loved him and he loved me unconditionally. I am almost 6 inches taller than my sister and step mom so I've always felt as though I dwarfed them. However when those pictures got developed I realized that I not only was vertically larger but my horizon was causing and eclipse! I was soooo embarrassed! So much so that my dad, God bless him, bought me a 10 weeks weight watchers membership for my birthday. You know you have gotten fat when you daddy is buying you memberships to weight watchers!
So I went. This was 3 summers ago in August. At my first meeting I was in complete and shambles. I weighed in at a whopping 217lbs and was completely floored by this. I had no idea I was that big. I cried through the whole meeting and the leader hugged me long and hard after. She talked me through it and convinced me that I could and would make it through this. She was right. I lost 7lbs my first week and there was no turning back. I became obsessed. In 14 weeks I was down to 167lbs!
I decided to reward myself with a large slice of chocolate cake.
Big mistake. I made a realization today. Food isn't a reward. A reward is buying a slinky black dress. A reward is not having to shop in the plus sizes. A reward is being able to walk up a flight of steps without being winded. A reward is knowing that you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are beautiful.
I've rewarded myself back up to about 200lbs. This has got to stop. My feet hurt again. None of my clothes fit. I am the fat girl at work, the fat girl in the mall, the fat girl at starbucks, the fat girl in line at the bank, the fat girl in the pictures. I am fat.
I have to get a grip on this addiction. When I'm upset I run to food. When I'm lonely, food. When I'm scared, food. When I'm bored, food. I can not let this continue. I need to break this pattern and I need help doing it. April has been a wonderful support. You would think that a skinny girl wouldn't understand but she does. Its awesome. She's encouraging me to go back to weight watchers and has even offered to go with me in fat suit! Now that, folks is a true friend.
I'm asking for anyone out there that can help me in my plight. Words of encouragement, tips, tricks, uplifting motivation, etc. I'm the worlds worst with commitment and I hate that about myself. I know that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results. I've been diagnosed as clinically insane so I guess now I need a support group to help me break out of this prison I've so willingly put myself into.
5 comments:
That's a tough struggle to go through. You might enjoy "Fat Is A Feminist Issue", which talks about the psychological issues behind women's attitudes towards weight:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0883659875/102-1380411-0096165?v=glance&n=283155
Good luck, and go easy on yourself.
I think you're beautiful. I did gain a lot of weight with Paxil myself and had to go off of it. I had good luck with Lexapro and Effexor for keeping weight off. Topamax is good for appetite control too.
p.s. , i take the topamax for migraines, so if you have those you might ask for it on that premise. the med is quite expensive, but i've lost twenty pounds in a month on it. good luck. i think you're gorgeous, but i understand the pressure from society to look skeletal. take are.xx
You are very beautiful and I don't think you look overweight in your pictures... but I do understand your feelings. I have been there myself. I gained over 40 pounds after I got married. Shortly before we separated the scale hit over 200 pounds and that was it for me. I joined a dance workout class and was able to lose 30 pounds. I am not one that is able to stick to most diets and I'm a picky eater. For me, I had to incorporate exercise. The dance workout was a good choice for me because it was fun but it wasn't a hard workout. I was sore after the first few sessions from all the stretching, but it worked. Unfortunately, I haven't had time to continue taking it and now I've gained almost 10 pounds back.
I don't know that I have words of wisdom, but just hang in there. Keep writing about your successes and failures. Maybe you're like me and you just need an incentive or some accountability.
Jade,
I looked at the photos you posted of yourself, and saw a very beautiful woman. If you need motivation to lose weight, think of how great it would be to have improved health. Just don't go overboard with weight loss and turn anorexic like I did when I was a teenager; that's a waste.
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