Someone circulated an email to me once with a list of funnies that only North Carolinians could understand. It was entitled, "You Know You're From North Carolina When...". One of the quips in particular struck me as absolutely hilarious. It was, You Know You're From North Carolina When...You have ever uttered the phrase 'It's too hot to go to the pool'. What's even funnier in the past four days, three people have said this exact thing to me! I love it here!
I wrote a little something about my love of the south awhile back. I'm gonna try and find it later on and post it. Its not exactly a poem but it isn't long enough to be a story. I guess its just creative prose.
ok I found it:
Thank God I'm a Country Girl!
I love being from the south. I absolutely love it.
I love listening to country music while driving thru my home town and feelin, not just knowing what they are talking about.
I love big ol country boys with their belt buckles and cowboy hats driving pick up trucks and totin their dogs everywhere with em.
I love mustard, slaw, chili and onions.
I love slingin mud on a Sunday afternoon with the promise of two-steppin the night away.
I love headin to the lake on Saturdays with a cooler full of beer and fresh bait in the bucket.
I love knowing what if feels like to run barefoot thru back yard huntin lightin' bugs for the jelly jar.
I love the smell of the south in july right after an afternoon thunder shower steaming up the pavement.
I love high school football games where daddies are dippin and mommas are cheerin' "that's my boy!"
I love being able to twang my words and add extra syllables without anyone noticin'.
I love you North Carolina!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
I wrote this originally as a paper for my English Class.
I am reposting this from my MySpace Archive. I think this is some of my best work.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
A personal narrative from a pro-choice liberal...
My Right to Life
At the age of 18, I was faced with a decision that a lot of young girls seem to be faced with way too often. I was pregnant, unwed and in a rapidly failing relationship. Fortunately, I had choices. I could do one of three things: I could raise a baby on my own and live up to my responsibilities as a parent; I could have an abortion which was well within my rights in The United States of America; or I could put my child up for adoption therefore taking care of my responsibilities and exercising my rights. I chose the ladder. This choice is rarely considered by pregnant women and speaking from experience, I know why.
In 1995 I was 18 and very confused about life even though I thought I held all the answers. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found this is a common theme amongst teenagers. I had already dropped out of college and was working at Tijuana Fat’s six days a week to pay my bills. I lived with my boyfriend at the time, Mike and his college friend Reece. We lived in a duplex across the street from UNCG and didn’t really have a whole lot of bills or responsibilities. Mike was a skater and worked at Steak Out six days a week. Reece was independently wealthy, being from an influential family from Washington DC and he was a full time student at Greensboro College. There was constant conflict between Reece and me and in June of 1995, Mike decided it was best if I moved out. Mike and I had been together for almost a year at this point and things had been rocky for the last three months or so. He had turned 21 and was growing apart from me. I was obsessive, bossy and just overall unhappy with life. When I look back at the situation now, I realize that it was due to immaturity on my part as well as just plain inexperience on both our parts. Mike was the first guy that I lived with and my first real relationship as an “adult”. I, in turn, was the first girl that he lived with but he had had a few other long term relationships. We both were really “green” in the grand scheme of things.
So I moved back home at the end of June and Mike and I continued to talk and essentially date but some things had changed. We just didn’t get along at all. I was always moody and it seemed that I was always sick and constantly throwing up. This was going on even before I moved home. I chalked it up to nerves and just ignored it. Well I also was gaining weight like a mad woman. I had previously been 125lbs and a size 6 when Mike and I started dating and suddenly I was 150lbs and in a size 10! I didn’t get it. So I started thinking that maybe I was pregnant. I had never had regular periods so knowing from a missed period wasn’t an option.
I distinctly remember on July 4th (the busy day of the year at our restaurant due to location) I was sweeping the floor and bent over to get under some equipment and felt and odd sensation. It felt as if I had something stuck under my shirt preventing me from bending over. I paid someone to finish up my side work and went home. I spent the entire rest of the night awake and worried. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was pregnant. I also knew that I didn’t want to raise a child at this point in my life. I was terrified to tell Mike of my findings because previously when I had alluded to the possibility of being pregnant he would say that I was only saying that to keep him. Therefore the thought of telling him about this terrified me. I knew he wouldn’t believe me and so I had to go to him with the evidence.
The next day I got a home pregnancy test and went to his house. I approached him with the possibility as calmly as I knew how and told him I would take the test in front of him. I did and the results were positive. We both decided that we needed to get a doctors test just to be sure. We knew that it was just our own form of denial but went through the motions none-the-less. We has talked about it and decided that once we got the positive test from the doctor that we wanted to go ahead with an abortion. We both knew that we weren’t ready to raise children and abortion was the easiest way to hide our “mistake”.
So we found an abortion clinic on Elm Street. and called them to set up an appointment. They would do a pregnancy test as well as an ultrasound to find out how far along I was. At the time the law in the state of North Carolina would allow for an abortion up to 21 weeks gestation and the only way to know for sure how far along I was, was to have an ultrasound. The appointment was set for that Friday and Mike and I went together. Mike waited in the lobby as I went to the back. The scene was so surreal to me. I remember looking at the room and it seemed as though it was shrouded in a haze of white mist and all of the doctors seemed to be very tall and slender women with long, white lab jackets and solemn faces. I felt as though I was being led into a science fiction novel where aliens were about to perform heinous acts on my body. The pregnancy test was positive, of course so I was taken into another room with a padded table and lots of intimidating equipment. I was asked to remove my clothes and in came a fair haired lady in her mid 50’s. She had lots of silver jewelry and funky glasses. I remember thinking that I wished she was my mother. She explained ultrasound to me and greased up my belly with a clear jelly. She took a device that looked very much like a man’s electric razor with the end capped with a rubber knob and placed on my belly which at this point was HUGE. After what seemed like hours but in actuality was probably about five minutes she informed me that it looks as though I was about 19 weeks and she was next going to check for two. TWO! What did she mean she was going to check for two?!?! She informed me this was common procedure and not to worry. Another four hours passed, about 10 minutes this time and she looked at me straight in the eyes. I’ll never forget that look. I saw her mouth moving as if it was in slow motion. The sound traveled towards me in waves that I could see floating like warbling clouds. “Honey, you’ve got twins.” My heart cracked that day. I felt it as clear as I feel the keys on this keyboard and it has never repaired. I could no longer feel my body. I wasn’t there in that room any longer. The realization that this was really happening was more than I could bear.
So, I had to walk into the lobby and tell Mike of the new information laid before me. I couldn’t speak, I could barely walk. If you asked me how I got from the back room to the lobby I would have to tell you I floated. Any other possibility just wouldn’t be plausible at that point. Speaking at that point was also a bodily function that wouldn’t happen. I just handed him the paper I had been given. I watched his eyes as they followed the lines on the paper. I knew the instant he saw the word twins. The look on his face has never and will never be describable.
A counselor came out front to get us both and present us with our options. The clinic we were in only did abortions up to 19 weeks but there were some in Chapel Hill that went to 21 weeks. However, due to the fact that I had twins they couldn’t make a solid determination as to my exact gestation. They knew that I was approximately between 19 and 22 weeks but that was all they could say for sure. Due to the controversy surrounding late term abortions they would feel more comfortable if I went to another state. Within minutes they had the Women’s Hospital in Houston Texas on the phone to explain my options. I was told that I would have to get to Houston within the next 4 days and it would cost my approximately $2200 for the procedure. Also, due the fact that my exact gestation could not be determined there was a slight possibility that I would have a “partial birth” abortion meaning I would essentially have to go through labor and there was a possibility that the fetuses would live. Whoa, that was more than I needed to hear. I couldn’t possibly go through with an abortion after all of the facts were placed in front of me. I know that women have the right to choose and that abortion was an option, but that option’s risks were just way too great for me. At that point adoption was my only option.
As luck would have it, the cousin of my best friend at the time was the head anesthesiologist at Women’s Hospital. Her name was Myra and she had a step daughter that was getting married soon. Her fiancé’s brother and wife had been trying to conceive children for 7 years with no luck. Myra hypothetically asked the couple if they would be interested in adopting twins. John and Lynne Lomax became the angels that would adopt and raise my boys. Alex and Eric Lomax are 9 years old now and healthy as can be. They could read when they were 4 and had several children’s books on what it means to be adopted.
Putting a child up for adoption isn’t for everyone. It takes a very strong individual to take on the responsibility of carrying a living being while knowing the whole time that it isn’t yours. Although the twins technically were mine, but the only way I could survive it was to tell myself they weren’t. Within a week of the abortion clinic fiasco, I was put on strict bed rest and eventually ended up in the hospital. I was told that I would be there until the twins were born because I had developed a serious liver problem as well as gestational diabetes. I consequently can no longer bear children. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt to talk about my experience but I can say that I’m completely comfortable with the decision I made and if I had it to do over I not only wouldn’t but couldn’t change a thing.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
A personal narrative from a pro-choice liberal...
My Right to Life
At the age of 18, I was faced with a decision that a lot of young girls seem to be faced with way too often. I was pregnant, unwed and in a rapidly failing relationship. Fortunately, I had choices. I could do one of three things: I could raise a baby on my own and live up to my responsibilities as a parent; I could have an abortion which was well within my rights in The United States of America; or I could put my child up for adoption therefore taking care of my responsibilities and exercising my rights. I chose the ladder. This choice is rarely considered by pregnant women and speaking from experience, I know why.
In 1995 I was 18 and very confused about life even though I thought I held all the answers. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found this is a common theme amongst teenagers. I had already dropped out of college and was working at Tijuana Fat’s six days a week to pay my bills. I lived with my boyfriend at the time, Mike and his college friend Reece. We lived in a duplex across the street from UNCG and didn’t really have a whole lot of bills or responsibilities. Mike was a skater and worked at Steak Out six days a week. Reece was independently wealthy, being from an influential family from Washington DC and he was a full time student at Greensboro College. There was constant conflict between Reece and me and in June of 1995, Mike decided it was best if I moved out. Mike and I had been together for almost a year at this point and things had been rocky for the last three months or so. He had turned 21 and was growing apart from me. I was obsessive, bossy and just overall unhappy with life. When I look back at the situation now, I realize that it was due to immaturity on my part as well as just plain inexperience on both our parts. Mike was the first guy that I lived with and my first real relationship as an “adult”. I, in turn, was the first girl that he lived with but he had had a few other long term relationships. We both were really “green” in the grand scheme of things.
So I moved back home at the end of June and Mike and I continued to talk and essentially date but some things had changed. We just didn’t get along at all. I was always moody and it seemed that I was always sick and constantly throwing up. This was going on even before I moved home. I chalked it up to nerves and just ignored it. Well I also was gaining weight like a mad woman. I had previously been 125lbs and a size 6 when Mike and I started dating and suddenly I was 150lbs and in a size 10! I didn’t get it. So I started thinking that maybe I was pregnant. I had never had regular periods so knowing from a missed period wasn’t an option.
I distinctly remember on July 4th (the busy day of the year at our restaurant due to location) I was sweeping the floor and bent over to get under some equipment and felt and odd sensation. It felt as if I had something stuck under my shirt preventing me from bending over. I paid someone to finish up my side work and went home. I spent the entire rest of the night awake and worried. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was pregnant. I also knew that I didn’t want to raise a child at this point in my life. I was terrified to tell Mike of my findings because previously when I had alluded to the possibility of being pregnant he would say that I was only saying that to keep him. Therefore the thought of telling him about this terrified me. I knew he wouldn’t believe me and so I had to go to him with the evidence.
The next day I got a home pregnancy test and went to his house. I approached him with the possibility as calmly as I knew how and told him I would take the test in front of him. I did and the results were positive. We both decided that we needed to get a doctors test just to be sure. We knew that it was just our own form of denial but went through the motions none-the-less. We has talked about it and decided that once we got the positive test from the doctor that we wanted to go ahead with an abortion. We both knew that we weren’t ready to raise children and abortion was the easiest way to hide our “mistake”.
So we found an abortion clinic on Elm Street. and called them to set up an appointment. They would do a pregnancy test as well as an ultrasound to find out how far along I was. At the time the law in the state of North Carolina would allow for an abortion up to 21 weeks gestation and the only way to know for sure how far along I was, was to have an ultrasound. The appointment was set for that Friday and Mike and I went together. Mike waited in the lobby as I went to the back. The scene was so surreal to me. I remember looking at the room and it seemed as though it was shrouded in a haze of white mist and all of the doctors seemed to be very tall and slender women with long, white lab jackets and solemn faces. I felt as though I was being led into a science fiction novel where aliens were about to perform heinous acts on my body. The pregnancy test was positive, of course so I was taken into another room with a padded table and lots of intimidating equipment. I was asked to remove my clothes and in came a fair haired lady in her mid 50’s. She had lots of silver jewelry and funky glasses. I remember thinking that I wished she was my mother. She explained ultrasound to me and greased up my belly with a clear jelly. She took a device that looked very much like a man’s electric razor with the end capped with a rubber knob and placed on my belly which at this point was HUGE. After what seemed like hours but in actuality was probably about five minutes she informed me that it looks as though I was about 19 weeks and she was next going to check for two. TWO! What did she mean she was going to check for two?!?! She informed me this was common procedure and not to worry. Another four hours passed, about 10 minutes this time and she looked at me straight in the eyes. I’ll never forget that look. I saw her mouth moving as if it was in slow motion. The sound traveled towards me in waves that I could see floating like warbling clouds. “Honey, you’ve got twins.” My heart cracked that day. I felt it as clear as I feel the keys on this keyboard and it has never repaired. I could no longer feel my body. I wasn’t there in that room any longer. The realization that this was really happening was more than I could bear.
So, I had to walk into the lobby and tell Mike of the new information laid before me. I couldn’t speak, I could barely walk. If you asked me how I got from the back room to the lobby I would have to tell you I floated. Any other possibility just wouldn’t be plausible at that point. Speaking at that point was also a bodily function that wouldn’t happen. I just handed him the paper I had been given. I watched his eyes as they followed the lines on the paper. I knew the instant he saw the word twins. The look on his face has never and will never be describable.
A counselor came out front to get us both and present us with our options. The clinic we were in only did abortions up to 19 weeks but there were some in Chapel Hill that went to 21 weeks. However, due to the fact that I had twins they couldn’t make a solid determination as to my exact gestation. They knew that I was approximately between 19 and 22 weeks but that was all they could say for sure. Due to the controversy surrounding late term abortions they would feel more comfortable if I went to another state. Within minutes they had the Women’s Hospital in Houston Texas on the phone to explain my options. I was told that I would have to get to Houston within the next 4 days and it would cost my approximately $2200 for the procedure. Also, due the fact that my exact gestation could not be determined there was a slight possibility that I would have a “partial birth” abortion meaning I would essentially have to go through labor and there was a possibility that the fetuses would live. Whoa, that was more than I needed to hear. I couldn’t possibly go through with an abortion after all of the facts were placed in front of me. I know that women have the right to choose and that abortion was an option, but that option’s risks were just way too great for me. At that point adoption was my only option.
As luck would have it, the cousin of my best friend at the time was the head anesthesiologist at Women’s Hospital. Her name was Myra and she had a step daughter that was getting married soon. Her fiancé’s brother and wife had been trying to conceive children for 7 years with no luck. Myra hypothetically asked the couple if they would be interested in adopting twins. John and Lynne Lomax became the angels that would adopt and raise my boys. Alex and Eric Lomax are 9 years old now and healthy as can be. They could read when they were 4 and had several children’s books on what it means to be adopted.
Putting a child up for adoption isn’t for everyone. It takes a very strong individual to take on the responsibility of carrying a living being while knowing the whole time that it isn’t yours. Although the twins technically were mine, but the only way I could survive it was to tell myself they weren’t. Within a week of the abortion clinic fiasco, I was put on strict bed rest and eventually ended up in the hospital. I was told that I would be there until the twins were born because I had developed a serious liver problem as well as gestational diabetes. I consequently can no longer bear children. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt to talk about my experience but I can say that I’m completely comfortable with the decision I made and if I had it to do over I not only wouldn’t but couldn’t change a thing.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
BUSTED
So since I need to update my blog more, I decided to dig out old blogs from MySpace that none of you have ever read. Most of these are from my single days and definitely explain the "Housebroken" and the "Heartbreaker" parts of my title. Maybe not both consecutively or even together, but explain the words nonetheless. (is that one word or two?)
So this post is from my party days. It actually wasn't that long ago. December 3rd 2005 to be exact. I just came across it found it quite funny.
Welcome to the first episode of The Real World Greensboring.
In our first episode we find Jade, drunk and stumbling at The Blind Tiger. She stumbled so much she fell right in to the corner of the stage and ended up with this doozy...
Yes thats correct folks. I busted my eye open in the middle of Sweet Child of Mine last night. My knees are bruised too. I have a very raspy voice and I can't find my jacket. Brandy (who showed up to surprise us) got there just in time to hear about 4 songs before I banged my head... literally. I spent the rest of the evening at Wesley Long's Emergency Room. They put a dermabond adhesive bandage on it and gave me the following information:
Your exam shows that you have a problem with alcohol intoxication. Drinking too much is often the cause of car crashes. Medical illness like depression, nerve problems, liver damage, ulcers, and bleeding from the stomach are common in heavy drinkers. It is improtant that you think about the effect alcohol is having on your health and safety. You have been released from further care today, but you must remember that recognizing that you have a drinking problem is not always easy. Ask your family members, friends and your work associates. Please call your doctor, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), or a drug or alcohol rehab program for further help.
So thus was my evening of ridiculousness. Oh and my knees are covered in huge bruises and my new cowboy boots are ruined. Sweet.
So this post is from my party days. It actually wasn't that long ago. December 3rd 2005 to be exact. I just came across it found it quite funny.
Welcome to the first episode of The Real World Greensboring.
In our first episode we find Jade, drunk and stumbling at The Blind Tiger. She stumbled so much she fell right in to the corner of the stage and ended up with this doozy...
Yes thats correct folks. I busted my eye open in the middle of Sweet Child of Mine last night. My knees are bruised too. I have a very raspy voice and I can't find my jacket. Brandy (who showed up to surprise us) got there just in time to hear about 4 songs before I banged my head... literally. I spent the rest of the evening at Wesley Long's Emergency Room. They put a dermabond adhesive bandage on it and gave me the following information:
Your exam shows that you have a problem with alcohol intoxication. Drinking too much is often the cause of car crashes. Medical illness like depression, nerve problems, liver damage, ulcers, and bleeding from the stomach are common in heavy drinkers. It is improtant that you think about the effect alcohol is having on your health and safety. You have been released from further care today, but you must remember that recognizing that you have a drinking problem is not always easy. Ask your family members, friends and your work associates. Please call your doctor, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), or a drug or alcohol rehab program for further help.
So thus was my evening of ridiculousness. Oh and my knees are covered in huge bruises and my new cowboy boots are ruined. Sweet.
Rock Me Amedeus
During my online dating years, I was often asked "What kinda music do you listen to"? I was guilty of asking the same question from time to time as well. I always received the same answer, "Everything but rap" or "Everything but country". That is complete bullcrap. Do you mean to tell me that you listen to Italian Arias? What about Elvis Costello? N'Sync? Bela Flek? Of course not.
I truely have diverse musical tastes and I have spent many a day trying to pin point exactly what is my favorite genre of music. I have come to the conclusion that it is anything envolving a horn section. You can't find a good horn section these days. I remember in the mid to late 90's it seemed that all the popular bands had a horn section. Or maybe it was all the bands that were popular to me. My first love was ska. Ska got me into the whole horn section thing. From there I discovered bands that had a trumpet or a sax thrown in occasionally. Then I found Everything.
Everything is a band out of No. VA that had a huge horn section and loads and loads of dancy tunes. They had one hit and that pretty much destroyed the band. I was a fan for many many years before that God awful song saw the light of day. You may remember it as "Whose got the Hooch". That was by far, their worst song to date. Everything is now and will forever be my favorite band of all time.
This is by far the most boring post ever.
I truely have diverse musical tastes and I have spent many a day trying to pin point exactly what is my favorite genre of music. I have come to the conclusion that it is anything envolving a horn section. You can't find a good horn section these days. I remember in the mid to late 90's it seemed that all the popular bands had a horn section. Or maybe it was all the bands that were popular to me. My first love was ska. Ska got me into the whole horn section thing. From there I discovered bands that had a trumpet or a sax thrown in occasionally. Then I found Everything.
Everything is a band out of No. VA that had a huge horn section and loads and loads of dancy tunes. They had one hit and that pretty much destroyed the band. I was a fan for many many years before that God awful song saw the light of day. You may remember it as "Whose got the Hooch". That was by far, their worst song to date. Everything is now and will forever be my favorite band of all time.
This is by far the most boring post ever.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I'm back from the shore...
And I wish I never left.
Escaping from reality is good for us everyone once in awhile. I learned a few things about myself on this trip. One, I need some help with my mental problems post haste. Two, I am way overweight. Three, teenagers truely are the spawn of the devil.
The flight up truely was the flight from hell. We were supposed to depart Greensboro at 2:50pm. Our finally hurled itself down the runway at 9:15pm, and it wasn't even our plane. Our initial flight was cancelled. Then the flight they re-routed us to was cancelled. The flight that was scheduled to leave before us was on the tarmac for about 2 hours before they unloaded it due to Philladelphia Airport being shut down. When they finally decided that that flight was going to take place they informed us that we would be on that flight. We had to just take empty seats. Once we boarded that plane we discovered that they were training a flight attendant so we would have two on this trip. I was next to a guy that was going to be catching a connecting flight in Philly to Shannon, Ireland. He and his buddies that were behind me were going golfing. Luckily he had flown often. That tidbit will come in handy later in the story.
So we are all loaded on the plane at 7pm-ish. Then a storm rolls in and they can't load our luggage because the bag guys are allowed on the the ramps due to lightening. So we wait about an hour for that to blow over. They they taxi us out to the runway and I look out the window. The biggest, ugliest cloud I'd ever seen rolled in. I pointed this out to the guy next to me and he agreed that were weren't going anywhere anytime soon. His buddies made a crack about the fact that they would cacth their connecting flight assuming we didn't taxi all the way to Philly. So low and behold the Captain comes over the speaker informing us that we are grounded until the weather clears. The flight attendant later informs us that it was a Squall. Apparently Squalls are the worst kinds of storms and we don't fly thru them ever.
But we finally take off at 9:15pm and about 35 to 40 minutes into the 56 minute flight a lady starts down the aisle with one leg. This lady is moving herself along by grabbing the arm rests and hopping from seat to seat. She is also a large lady and is getting winded easy. So by the time she gets to our seat she is completely out of breath and falls to her one knee to pull herself in a half crawl down the rest of the way. I was seated approximately in the middle of the plane. She doesn't make it to the bathroom soon enough and does her business all over herself because the stench soon wofts our way. Did I mention that she was diabetic and hadn't checked her sugar since noon? Yea, so luckily one of my seat mates buddies was a doctor, an orthopedic surgeon to be exact and went to the back to check her out. He informed us that she is in rough shape but should be ok till we make it there. We were only about 15 mins from the airport but there was a storm that we should have gone around but were now going to go thru due to this medical emergency. They had called the ambulance and they were waiting for us at the gate.
So, we start through this turbulance and the captain comes over the loudspeaker and tells the flight attendants to strap in. The trainee heads to her seat but attempts to get doors closed in their little area. The other flight attendant screams at her to strap in and not worry about that stuff from the back of the plane. Then it happens. The plane dropped and when I say dropped I mean, free fell like the Drop Zone rides at the amusement parks. DROPPED. Everyone started crying and silently whispering. Luckily no one started screaming because all pandimonium would have broken loose. But after we dropped for a good 30 seconds we shook violently then dropped again. This went on for about 5 minutes. That may seem like a very short time, but try experiencing that on and airplane dropping and shaking and twisting around, see how long it feels then. So the whole time the guy next to me keeps saying, "this is nothing, just a little turbulance do to the storm. Seriously, I been through worse. This pilot is just hot-footin' it in due to the lady in the back. Everything is fine." That calmed me tremendously. You can not believe how much better I felt having that guy next to me. Later the flight attendant told some people behind us that that was only catagory II turbulance and we could withstand up to IV. And that the pilot never would have put us in jeopardy but he did need to go through the storm rather than around it due to the medical emergency.
I was so proud of myself for not freaking out. I have panic attacks something fearce and hadn't brought any medicine with me. My neice and stepmom, who were sitting together thought they were going to die and that is all I heard about for my entire trip. I just didn't think it was that bad. I guess it was the guy next to me.
On the flight back I got to thinking about the other flight. What if I would have died? It occured to me that I really could careless whether I lived or died. Maybe that is why it didn't bother me. That scares me. I really don't care if I'm alive or dead nor do I think anyone else would. If all three of us would have died, I would be the absolute last person anyone cared about. And that is the gospel truth.
Escaping from reality is good for us everyone once in awhile. I learned a few things about myself on this trip. One, I need some help with my mental problems post haste. Two, I am way overweight. Three, teenagers truely are the spawn of the devil.
The flight up truely was the flight from hell. We were supposed to depart Greensboro at 2:50pm. Our finally hurled itself down the runway at 9:15pm, and it wasn't even our plane. Our initial flight was cancelled. Then the flight they re-routed us to was cancelled. The flight that was scheduled to leave before us was on the tarmac for about 2 hours before they unloaded it due to Philladelphia Airport being shut down. When they finally decided that that flight was going to take place they informed us that we would be on that flight. We had to just take empty seats. Once we boarded that plane we discovered that they were training a flight attendant so we would have two on this trip. I was next to a guy that was going to be catching a connecting flight in Philly to Shannon, Ireland. He and his buddies that were behind me were going golfing. Luckily he had flown often. That tidbit will come in handy later in the story.
So we are all loaded on the plane at 7pm-ish. Then a storm rolls in and they can't load our luggage because the bag guys are allowed on the the ramps due to lightening. So we wait about an hour for that to blow over. They they taxi us out to the runway and I look out the window. The biggest, ugliest cloud I'd ever seen rolled in. I pointed this out to the guy next to me and he agreed that were weren't going anywhere anytime soon. His buddies made a crack about the fact that they would cacth their connecting flight assuming we didn't taxi all the way to Philly. So low and behold the Captain comes over the speaker informing us that we are grounded until the weather clears. The flight attendant later informs us that it was a Squall. Apparently Squalls are the worst kinds of storms and we don't fly thru them ever.
But we finally take off at 9:15pm and about 35 to 40 minutes into the 56 minute flight a lady starts down the aisle with one leg. This lady is moving herself along by grabbing the arm rests and hopping from seat to seat. She is also a large lady and is getting winded easy. So by the time she gets to our seat she is completely out of breath and falls to her one knee to pull herself in a half crawl down the rest of the way. I was seated approximately in the middle of the plane. She doesn't make it to the bathroom soon enough and does her business all over herself because the stench soon wofts our way. Did I mention that she was diabetic and hadn't checked her sugar since noon? Yea, so luckily one of my seat mates buddies was a doctor, an orthopedic surgeon to be exact and went to the back to check her out. He informed us that she is in rough shape but should be ok till we make it there. We were only about 15 mins from the airport but there was a storm that we should have gone around but were now going to go thru due to this medical emergency. They had called the ambulance and they were waiting for us at the gate.
So, we start through this turbulance and the captain comes over the loudspeaker and tells the flight attendants to strap in. The trainee heads to her seat but attempts to get doors closed in their little area. The other flight attendant screams at her to strap in and not worry about that stuff from the back of the plane. Then it happens. The plane dropped and when I say dropped I mean, free fell like the Drop Zone rides at the amusement parks. DROPPED. Everyone started crying and silently whispering. Luckily no one started screaming because all pandimonium would have broken loose. But after we dropped for a good 30 seconds we shook violently then dropped again. This went on for about 5 minutes. That may seem like a very short time, but try experiencing that on and airplane dropping and shaking and twisting around, see how long it feels then. So the whole time the guy next to me keeps saying, "this is nothing, just a little turbulance do to the storm. Seriously, I been through worse. This pilot is just hot-footin' it in due to the lady in the back. Everything is fine." That calmed me tremendously. You can not believe how much better I felt having that guy next to me. Later the flight attendant told some people behind us that that was only catagory II turbulance and we could withstand up to IV. And that the pilot never would have put us in jeopardy but he did need to go through the storm rather than around it due to the medical emergency.
I was so proud of myself for not freaking out. I have panic attacks something fearce and hadn't brought any medicine with me. My neice and stepmom, who were sitting together thought they were going to die and that is all I heard about for my entire trip. I just didn't think it was that bad. I guess it was the guy next to me.
On the flight back I got to thinking about the other flight. What if I would have died? It occured to me that I really could careless whether I lived or died. Maybe that is why it didn't bother me. That scares me. I really don't care if I'm alive or dead nor do I think anyone else would. If all three of us would have died, I would be the absolute last person anyone cared about. And that is the gospel truth.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Since apparently I have fans...
Thank you for noticing my absence.
I have been getting prepared for my trip. Oh what trip you say? I am flying to Philly tomorrow with my Stepmom and neice. My neice has been in town staying with my parents for UNCG's summer music camp. She has gone every year since I think she was old enough to pick up an instrument. She is now 14 years old and hates everything, as most teenagers do. I have no idea what she plays but I think its piano. Hopefully she isn't picking up any piano's, though. I guess I should be more involved in my families life.
But anyway, we will be flying up to Philly and then my sister will be picking us up as whisking us off to her new country estate in Bucks County PA. They bought it last year but this is the first time that I'll be setting eyes on it. Apparently they bought a farm out in the country. I don't think they raise any animals but what do I know. Then Sunday morning we, we meaning my sister Stephanie, my neice Sarah, my nephew Johnnie, my aunt Lynn and my Stepmom Dana, will be heading to my sisters shore house in Avalon, NJ. I love that place. Its so peaceful and calm. Oprah has a place there but I've never seen her. My grandmother also has a shore house in Ocean City, NJ which is about 30 minutes north of my sisters. Its much more commercial but can be fun at times. Her house is actually on the ocean and you can see Trump Taj Mahal from her back deck. She also has a pool on the deck so that is more of a plus than the view. I will be sure to take lots of pictures to post, but don't expect any of me in a swim suit just yet.
I will be flying home on Wednesday evening but my stepmom won't be coming home until friday. She gets a paid vacation and I don't so I have to return to work on Thursday. I don't know if anyone has a computer and honestly I hope they don't, so I doubt I will be updating until I get back. It will take me a month to catch up on Andrew's posts I'm sure! (http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com)
I have been getting prepared for my trip. Oh what trip you say? I am flying to Philly tomorrow with my Stepmom and neice. My neice has been in town staying with my parents for UNCG's summer music camp. She has gone every year since I think she was old enough to pick up an instrument. She is now 14 years old and hates everything, as most teenagers do. I have no idea what she plays but I think its piano. Hopefully she isn't picking up any piano's, though. I guess I should be more involved in my families life.
But anyway, we will be flying up to Philly and then my sister will be picking us up as whisking us off to her new country estate in Bucks County PA. They bought it last year but this is the first time that I'll be setting eyes on it. Apparently they bought a farm out in the country. I don't think they raise any animals but what do I know. Then Sunday morning we, we meaning my sister Stephanie, my neice Sarah, my nephew Johnnie, my aunt Lynn and my Stepmom Dana, will be heading to my sisters shore house in Avalon, NJ. I love that place. Its so peaceful and calm. Oprah has a place there but I've never seen her. My grandmother also has a shore house in Ocean City, NJ which is about 30 minutes north of my sisters. Its much more commercial but can be fun at times. Her house is actually on the ocean and you can see Trump Taj Mahal from her back deck. She also has a pool on the deck so that is more of a plus than the view. I will be sure to take lots of pictures to post, but don't expect any of me in a swim suit just yet.
I will be flying home on Wednesday evening but my stepmom won't be coming home until friday. She gets a paid vacation and I don't so I have to return to work on Thursday. I don't know if anyone has a computer and honestly I hope they don't, so I doubt I will be updating until I get back. It will take me a month to catch up on Andrew's posts I'm sure! (http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com)
Thursday, July 20, 2006
How I feel today...
Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June
We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go
I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream
And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad
When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will
Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this
No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
(for those of you who don't know, I did not write this. These are the lyrics to "Mayonaise" by The Smashing Pumpkins)
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June
We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go
I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream
And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad
When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will
Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this
No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
(for those of you who don't know, I did not write this. These are the lyrics to "Mayonaise" by The Smashing Pumpkins)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Lazy and dirty, a match made in Pfafftown.
So I have had the past two days off, today and yesterday that is. Yesterday I never got dressed and never left the house. And when I say I never got dressed, I mean I litterally never got dressed. I wore an old oversized t-shirt to bed the night before and that is exactly what I piddled around the house in yesterday. All I did was watch tv shows that I had DVR'd throughout the week and ate. I barely have any food in the house so I didn't eat much but I somehow managed to make a huge mess.
So I'm off today and I had all these big plans. I was going to go to the grocery store, join weight watchers, join a gym, go buy a book, apply for jobs, clean the house and go tan. I've done none of this because I woke up at 2pm. Yes, that is correct, 2pm. I feel like crap because I went to bed at 1am. So I slept for 13 hours. That is just absolutely ridiculous. Depression has to be a motivating factor in this. But I convince myself that I need to stay in bed and get as much sleep as possible because I do have clinical insomnia so when I need sleep I can't get it.
I am going to grab a gear here in a moment and head out to get some things done. I doubt I will get it all done but I will get a chunk of it underway. I have to becaue I'm flying to Philly on Saturday to go to my sisters Shore house and Eric will be home sometime this weekend. I have to have the house cleaned and stocked with food or he will either flat out starve or go out to eat steak and lobster every meal, and contribute to the mess 12 fold.
I always do this to myself. I procrastinate until I've only got a few minutes to get things done and then I work myself into a stressed frenzy. Geez, why can't I just calm down and do things when I am supposed to?
So I'm off today and I had all these big plans. I was going to go to the grocery store, join weight watchers, join a gym, go buy a book, apply for jobs, clean the house and go tan. I've done none of this because I woke up at 2pm. Yes, that is correct, 2pm. I feel like crap because I went to bed at 1am. So I slept for 13 hours. That is just absolutely ridiculous. Depression has to be a motivating factor in this. But I convince myself that I need to stay in bed and get as much sleep as possible because I do have clinical insomnia so when I need sleep I can't get it.
I am going to grab a gear here in a moment and head out to get some things done. I doubt I will get it all done but I will get a chunk of it underway. I have to becaue I'm flying to Philly on Saturday to go to my sisters Shore house and Eric will be home sometime this weekend. I have to have the house cleaned and stocked with food or he will either flat out starve or go out to eat steak and lobster every meal, and contribute to the mess 12 fold.
I always do this to myself. I procrastinate until I've only got a few minutes to get things done and then I work myself into a stressed frenzy. Geez, why can't I just calm down and do things when I am supposed to?
Monday, July 17, 2006
My life as a call girl...I mean cosmetics girl.
I work in a small independantly owned salon in Greensboro. I am a cosmetics consultant and sometimes receptionist. I am all the time aggrivated.
So last night was the owner of my place of work's 50th birthday. The crew decided she needed to be picked up in a stretch navigator and whisked to Harris Teeter to buy champagne.
No wait, we were supposed to whisking her to Much for a birthday bash but got side tracked due to the fact that between the 7 of us we downed 3 bottles of Champagne before we got out of Irving Park. So after a brief stop off at Jimmy's house (just don't ask) we headed to the Taj Ma Teeter to grab a few more bottles to tide us over till we got downtown. We barely made it...
I didn't quite realize how tipsy I had become until I attempted to exit the vehicle. Poor Felix had a time getting us in and out of the monstrosity. I'm sure he was glad to be rid of us.
Once we hit Much it was time to cut the cake.
The cake never actually got cut by the way, but it did get eaten. We a just grabbed plastic forks and kinda picked at it all night long. We are classy bunch you see...
The rest of the night is a vivid blur. Chapagne is one of those things that really should be drank at the end of an evening not the beginning. It is also a rather devilish alcohol. You don't realize that you've even had a sip until you attempt to stand up or function in any other capacity than to sit there demurely sipping. I told you all that I had quit drinking, and I really had. I only had a few at home amoungst friends. But after I was already tipsy, with a ride and place to stay locally, why not let the chips the fall where they may. And they fell, on the concrete staircase on the corner of Market and Greene street downtown.
Well we didn't actually fall, more like took a break. Elena needed to smoke and I needed to get out of those heels. But we never really got up from there. The tragic thing was it was only about 11:30pm and we had been sufficiently trashed and already drinking water for about an hour. Yes folks we would have slept on those steps if it wasn't for one of our dearly beloved co-workers wandering by. Dear sweet Evelyn had made it out to the celebration with her husband and graciously agreed to take Elena and I home. There was only a minor problem, Elena wouldn't tell us where she lived and I didn't know how to get there either. Miraculously, my phone rang and it was the beloved but missing from the debauchery, Christy! Christy told Evelyn how to get us home and we made it in one peice and were in the bed by 12:30am. Ah to be young again...
So last night was the owner of my place of work's 50th birthday. The crew decided she needed to be picked up in a stretch navigator and whisked to Harris Teeter to buy champagne.
No wait, we were supposed to whisking her to Much for a birthday bash but got side tracked due to the fact that between the 7 of us we downed 3 bottles of Champagne before we got out of Irving Park. So after a brief stop off at Jimmy's house (just don't ask) we headed to the Taj Ma Teeter to grab a few more bottles to tide us over till we got downtown. We barely made it...
I didn't quite realize how tipsy I had become until I attempted to exit the vehicle. Poor Felix had a time getting us in and out of the monstrosity. I'm sure he was glad to be rid of us.
Once we hit Much it was time to cut the cake.
The cake never actually got cut by the way, but it did get eaten. We a just grabbed plastic forks and kinda picked at it all night long. We are classy bunch you see...
The rest of the night is a vivid blur. Chapagne is one of those things that really should be drank at the end of an evening not the beginning. It is also a rather devilish alcohol. You don't realize that you've even had a sip until you attempt to stand up or function in any other capacity than to sit there demurely sipping. I told you all that I had quit drinking, and I really had. I only had a few at home amoungst friends. But after I was already tipsy, with a ride and place to stay locally, why not let the chips the fall where they may. And they fell, on the concrete staircase on the corner of Market and Greene street downtown.
Well we didn't actually fall, more like took a break. Elena needed to smoke and I needed to get out of those heels. But we never really got up from there. The tragic thing was it was only about 11:30pm and we had been sufficiently trashed and already drinking water for about an hour. Yes folks we would have slept on those steps if it wasn't for one of our dearly beloved co-workers wandering by. Dear sweet Evelyn had made it out to the celebration with her husband and graciously agreed to take Elena and I home. There was only a minor problem, Elena wouldn't tell us where she lived and I didn't know how to get there either. Miraculously, my phone rang and it was the beloved but missing from the debauchery, Christy! Christy told Evelyn how to get us home and we made it in one peice and were in the bed by 12:30am. Ah to be young again...
Sunday, July 16, 2006
An adendum..
I think you all may have gotten the wrong impression of my wonderful boyfriend from my last post.
I have a tendancy to jump to conclusions as well as over-exaggerating things a bit. Everything I said did happen, but considering the vast majority of you don't know us at all, you only get my side of the story.
I started this blog as an outlet. I have manic depression accompanied by panic attacks. When I am feeling down and/or manic or paniced, I write. At many points in my life I've solved many of my problems by writing. So when I'm stressed I get all out with the keyboard. I have found in life that by the time my entry is done I've either solved my dilemma or I have cleared my head enough to look at things rationally. Not all of it is bad and not all of it is good. In life we have ups and downs, ebbs and flows.
I rarely to never tell my friends or family bad things about my relationships. This poisons the well. Your support group is always going to take your side so no matter what, even if you are in the wrong they are going to think it's the jerks fault. When, in actuallity relationships are a two way street. I've learned that in order to have a healthy one, I keep our failures to myself. However, I do need an outlet in which to broadcast my feelings. I have taken on this blog to do so.
I am not going to leave my bf. My bf isn't a horrible person. The $200 tab was a bank error that was sorted out the next day. He got double charged at Rum Runners. He doesn't lie to me, he doesnt' cheat on me and I do trust him. I have insecurity issues which cause me to feel like he is going to leave me. These are my problems and due to nothing he has done to make me feel this way. I've always had commitment issues and until I can work this out within myself I'll continue to feel like that.
I am a sabotager. For those of you who don't know, this is someone who has to ruin things when they are going well. I have an unconcious need to always be in turmoil. I can't just be happy. I'm the epitome of the Garbage song "I'm only happy when it rains". I have realized this about myself and am making great strides in my life to improve upon it. I am on a constant path for improvement in my life and welcome any and all constructive critizisms. I cannot correct my short-commings if I'm unaware that they exist. I've always encourged others to come to me with problems and concerns.
So folks, my relationship isn't falling apart, my life isn't in shambles, my bf isn't cheating on me or leaving me. We both flirt. I love flirting and I love watching him flirt as does he me. When we met I flirted for a living and will be getting back into that line of work in the next few months. I'm completely comfortable with what we have and wouldn't trade it in for the world!
I have a tendancy to jump to conclusions as well as over-exaggerating things a bit. Everything I said did happen, but considering the vast majority of you don't know us at all, you only get my side of the story.
I started this blog as an outlet. I have manic depression accompanied by panic attacks. When I am feeling down and/or manic or paniced, I write. At many points in my life I've solved many of my problems by writing. So when I'm stressed I get all out with the keyboard. I have found in life that by the time my entry is done I've either solved my dilemma or I have cleared my head enough to look at things rationally. Not all of it is bad and not all of it is good. In life we have ups and downs, ebbs and flows.
I rarely to never tell my friends or family bad things about my relationships. This poisons the well. Your support group is always going to take your side so no matter what, even if you are in the wrong they are going to think it's the jerks fault. When, in actuallity relationships are a two way street. I've learned that in order to have a healthy one, I keep our failures to myself. However, I do need an outlet in which to broadcast my feelings. I have taken on this blog to do so.
I am not going to leave my bf. My bf isn't a horrible person. The $200 tab was a bank error that was sorted out the next day. He got double charged at Rum Runners. He doesn't lie to me, he doesnt' cheat on me and I do trust him. I have insecurity issues which cause me to feel like he is going to leave me. These are my problems and due to nothing he has done to make me feel this way. I've always had commitment issues and until I can work this out within myself I'll continue to feel like that.
I am a sabotager. For those of you who don't know, this is someone who has to ruin things when they are going well. I have an unconcious need to always be in turmoil. I can't just be happy. I'm the epitome of the Garbage song "I'm only happy when it rains". I have realized this about myself and am making great strides in my life to improve upon it. I am on a constant path for improvement in my life and welcome any and all constructive critizisms. I cannot correct my short-commings if I'm unaware that they exist. I've always encourged others to come to me with problems and concerns.
So folks, my relationship isn't falling apart, my life isn't in shambles, my bf isn't cheating on me or leaving me. We both flirt. I love flirting and I love watching him flirt as does he me. When we met I flirted for a living and will be getting back into that line of work in the next few months. I'm completely comfortable with what we have and wouldn't trade it in for the world!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
LIVID!
My boyfriend works out of town which has caused more strain on our relationship than I first would have thought. Tonight he is in Cary where he has been since Tuesday. Cary is about 2 hours from where we live. He is flying to Chicago at 7am tomorrow morning, or should I say this morning because it is 1:50am. Anyway, he has been working in Chicago for the past 6 months in 10 day on 4 day off cycles. This is going to be his last trip to Chicago supposedly as they will be finishing up all the loose ends. The drawback to this trip is that they have no idea how long they will be there this time. They could be there for a week or they could be there for a month; it just depends on how long it takes them to finish.
So he calls me tonight from Raleigh which is about 30 mins outside of Cary and is the second largest city in our state. He is at Rum Runners and they had just got there. The dueling piano players were making fun of him being on the phone so he had to go. This was at 8pm. I didn't here back from him until 12:15am. Now, in the meantime I sent him 3 texts and called twice to which I received no response. This would not be a big deal to with any normal couple but my bf has a tendancy to flirt. He has, in the past, let that flirting come between he and I. I won't go into details but I have gotten VERY hurt.
He completely loves me, and I know this but he has been feeling a bit down lately and has made several comments to the fact that he doesn't get hit on in the bars anymore. It bothered me at first but I understand his need to feel wanted and I feel the same way.
So when I finally do hear from him he is EXTREMELY intoxicated. The kind of drunk that you can smell it through the phone. He is about to get behind the wheel of he WORK VEHICLE and drive to his hotel IN THE NEXT TOWN. I beg with him not to do so, but he does and insists that he is in no way drunk just merely tipsy, (what the heck ever! I was born at night but not last night!) So he then calls me when he gets to his hotel room and he is so drunk that he can't remember what he says from one sentence to the next and loses his train of thought with almost every word. He is slurring his words and stumbling all around the room as I can hear him doing so on the phone. He then informs me of how cool it was that girls were all over him all night.
What? Repeat that? I'm sorry I must not have my hearing aid on, can you come again?
I ask him how many drinks he bought for girls and he was "pshhh none, those girls ain't gettin nothing from me".
So he goes into the big long thing about how cool these dueling pianos were and how much fun he had and I can tell he is just giddy with excitement. I am starting to let my emotions bubble over and I am feeling very left out and hurt that he had this amazing time without me and with other girls fawning on him. So then he starts back in about how much he is absolutely and totally in love with me but he just couldn't express to me how awesome it was to have girls flirting with him right and left and if he wanted to he could have gotten at least 2 girls numbers.
Um, ok what? Ya know I really think I'm not hearing you correctly could you repeat that?
Now I know I should be happy that he is getting his ego boosted. I know I should be completely confident in our relationship afterall I'm sitting in our house right now and am about to go to bed in our bed. But something in me just snapped. And then, the kicker... He says to me, "It just felt so good to say to the bartender I'll have a jagerbomb and another beer and get those two girls over there whatever they want."
Houston, I think we have a problem!
Are you kidding me right now? Did I hear those words come out of his mouth? Yea, and he was totally busted. So I called him on it and he of course tried to back peddle his way out but unfortunately his whittle pedals wouldn't go cause they were all mucked up in JAGER BOMBS AND NASTY BAR WHORES!
So, then I ask him how much money he spent at the bar. He is all like, "oh I don't know not much I just bought those two girls drinks." Well guess who has complete access to his online banking and every other aspect of his life? Um that would be me. So I go into his account and guess what I find? TWO, count em, TWO pending debits from Rum Runners. One in the amount of...are you ready for this...$109.45! Oh and it gets better. The other one was for $112.98! OH YEA! What the? He didn't just buy 2 girls a couple of drinks, he either had 2 girls on his tab all night or he bought SEVERAL girls a couple of drinks! Back in my drinking days when he and I would go out the largest tab the two of us together EVER had was $95. And that is both of us and don't drink cheap stuff or beer. I drink or should I say drank Segrams 7&7's with red headed slut shots. That right there is 9-12 bucks no matter where you get it. So homeboy was BUYING SOME FRICKEN SHOTS! When I tell him of this he is like, 'no can't be...they musta double charged me or something...had to...nooo'. When he gets up tomorrow and checks his balance and sees that he only has X amount of money to get him through to his next payday he is going to crap himself! Mark my words!
So now its 2:19am, I'm extremely ticked off and I have to be at work in the morning. I also have to go out with my co-workers to a God-forsaken club tomorrow night in downtown fricken Greensboro which is an hour from my house mind you, and make him suffer.
Payback is a B!@#H, and so am I!
So he calls me tonight from Raleigh which is about 30 mins outside of Cary and is the second largest city in our state. He is at Rum Runners and they had just got there. The dueling piano players were making fun of him being on the phone so he had to go. This was at 8pm. I didn't here back from him until 12:15am. Now, in the meantime I sent him 3 texts and called twice to which I received no response. This would not be a big deal to with any normal couple but my bf has a tendancy to flirt. He has, in the past, let that flirting come between he and I. I won't go into details but I have gotten VERY hurt.
He completely loves me, and I know this but he has been feeling a bit down lately and has made several comments to the fact that he doesn't get hit on in the bars anymore. It bothered me at first but I understand his need to feel wanted and I feel the same way.
So when I finally do hear from him he is EXTREMELY intoxicated. The kind of drunk that you can smell it through the phone. He is about to get behind the wheel of he WORK VEHICLE and drive to his hotel IN THE NEXT TOWN. I beg with him not to do so, but he does and insists that he is in no way drunk just merely tipsy, (what the heck ever! I was born at night but not last night!) So he then calls me when he gets to his hotel room and he is so drunk that he can't remember what he says from one sentence to the next and loses his train of thought with almost every word. He is slurring his words and stumbling all around the room as I can hear him doing so on the phone. He then informs me of how cool it was that girls were all over him all night.
What? Repeat that? I'm sorry I must not have my hearing aid on, can you come again?
I ask him how many drinks he bought for girls and he was "pshhh none, those girls ain't gettin nothing from me".
So he goes into the big long thing about how cool these dueling pianos were and how much fun he had and I can tell he is just giddy with excitement. I am starting to let my emotions bubble over and I am feeling very left out and hurt that he had this amazing time without me and with other girls fawning on him. So then he starts back in about how much he is absolutely and totally in love with me but he just couldn't express to me how awesome it was to have girls flirting with him right and left and if he wanted to he could have gotten at least 2 girls numbers.
Um, ok what? Ya know I really think I'm not hearing you correctly could you repeat that?
Now I know I should be happy that he is getting his ego boosted. I know I should be completely confident in our relationship afterall I'm sitting in our house right now and am about to go to bed in our bed. But something in me just snapped. And then, the kicker... He says to me, "It just felt so good to say to the bartender I'll have a jagerbomb and another beer and get those two girls over there whatever they want."
Houston, I think we have a problem!
Are you kidding me right now? Did I hear those words come out of his mouth? Yea, and he was totally busted. So I called him on it and he of course tried to back peddle his way out but unfortunately his whittle pedals wouldn't go cause they were all mucked up in JAGER BOMBS AND NASTY BAR WHORES!
So, then I ask him how much money he spent at the bar. He is all like, "oh I don't know not much I just bought those two girls drinks." Well guess who has complete access to his online banking and every other aspect of his life? Um that would be me. So I go into his account and guess what I find? TWO, count em, TWO pending debits from Rum Runners. One in the amount of...are you ready for this...$109.45! Oh and it gets better. The other one was for $112.98! OH YEA! What the? He didn't just buy 2 girls a couple of drinks, he either had 2 girls on his tab all night or he bought SEVERAL girls a couple of drinks! Back in my drinking days when he and I would go out the largest tab the two of us together EVER had was $95. And that is both of us and don't drink cheap stuff or beer. I drink or should I say drank Segrams 7&7's with red headed slut shots. That right there is 9-12 bucks no matter where you get it. So homeboy was BUYING SOME FRICKEN SHOTS! When I tell him of this he is like, 'no can't be...they musta double charged me or something...had to...nooo'. When he gets up tomorrow and checks his balance and sees that he only has X amount of money to get him through to his next payday he is going to crap himself! Mark my words!
So now its 2:19am, I'm extremely ticked off and I have to be at work in the morning. I also have to go out with my co-workers to a God-forsaken club tomorrow night in downtown fricken Greensboro which is an hour from my house mind you, and make him suffer.
Payback is a B!@#H, and so am I!
Food is my crutch.
I have struggled with my weight for the past 10 years. I was super skinny in high school plus I played sports so any weight I had was muscle. After the sports stopped and the babies popped (whole nuther story entirely) I started to pack on the pounds. Very slowly curiously enough, but when I inadvertantly got put on Paxil for my anxiety I ballooned to nearly twice my size. The odd thing about this inflation in weight is that it happened in complete denial. I never "thought" I was gaining weight. I knew all of the sudden I was in a size 20 and my size 9's no longer fit, but it didn't quite click in my head that I turned into a behemoth. That is until I saw the pictures.
My sister came down from Philly with her two kids and we took them to the local water park with my boyfriend at the time and my stepmom. My boyfriend and I had been together almost 3 years at this point and he was basically a member of the family. They all loved him and he loved me unconditionally. I am almost 6 inches taller than my sister and step mom so I've always felt as though I dwarfed them. However when those pictures got developed I realized that I not only was vertically larger but my horizon was causing and eclipse! I was soooo embarrassed! So much so that my dad, God bless him, bought me a 10 weeks weight watchers membership for my birthday. You know you have gotten fat when you daddy is buying you memberships to weight watchers!
So I went. This was 3 summers ago in August. At my first meeting I was in complete and shambles. I weighed in at a whopping 217lbs and was completely floored by this. I had no idea I was that big. I cried through the whole meeting and the leader hugged me long and hard after. She talked me through it and convinced me that I could and would make it through this. She was right. I lost 7lbs my first week and there was no turning back. I became obsessed. In 14 weeks I was down to 167lbs!
I decided to reward myself with a large slice of chocolate cake.
Big mistake. I made a realization today. Food isn't a reward. A reward is buying a slinky black dress. A reward is not having to shop in the plus sizes. A reward is being able to walk up a flight of steps without being winded. A reward is knowing that you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are beautiful.
I've rewarded myself back up to about 200lbs. This has got to stop. My feet hurt again. None of my clothes fit. I am the fat girl at work, the fat girl in the mall, the fat girl at starbucks, the fat girl in line at the bank, the fat girl in the pictures. I am fat.
I have to get a grip on this addiction. When I'm upset I run to food. When I'm lonely, food. When I'm scared, food. When I'm bored, food. I can not let this continue. I need to break this pattern and I need help doing it. April has been a wonderful support. You would think that a skinny girl wouldn't understand but she does. Its awesome. She's encouraging me to go back to weight watchers and has even offered to go with me in fat suit! Now that, folks is a true friend.
I'm asking for anyone out there that can help me in my plight. Words of encouragement, tips, tricks, uplifting motivation, etc. I'm the worlds worst with commitment and I hate that about myself. I know that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results. I've been diagnosed as clinically insane so I guess now I need a support group to help me break out of this prison I've so willingly put myself into.
My sister came down from Philly with her two kids and we took them to the local water park with my boyfriend at the time and my stepmom. My boyfriend and I had been together almost 3 years at this point and he was basically a member of the family. They all loved him and he loved me unconditionally. I am almost 6 inches taller than my sister and step mom so I've always felt as though I dwarfed them. However when those pictures got developed I realized that I not only was vertically larger but my horizon was causing and eclipse! I was soooo embarrassed! So much so that my dad, God bless him, bought me a 10 weeks weight watchers membership for my birthday. You know you have gotten fat when you daddy is buying you memberships to weight watchers!
So I went. This was 3 summers ago in August. At my first meeting I was in complete and shambles. I weighed in at a whopping 217lbs and was completely floored by this. I had no idea I was that big. I cried through the whole meeting and the leader hugged me long and hard after. She talked me through it and convinced me that I could and would make it through this. She was right. I lost 7lbs my first week and there was no turning back. I became obsessed. In 14 weeks I was down to 167lbs!
I decided to reward myself with a large slice of chocolate cake.
Big mistake. I made a realization today. Food isn't a reward. A reward is buying a slinky black dress. A reward is not having to shop in the plus sizes. A reward is being able to walk up a flight of steps without being winded. A reward is knowing that you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are beautiful.
I've rewarded myself back up to about 200lbs. This has got to stop. My feet hurt again. None of my clothes fit. I am the fat girl at work, the fat girl in the mall, the fat girl at starbucks, the fat girl in line at the bank, the fat girl in the pictures. I am fat.
I have to get a grip on this addiction. When I'm upset I run to food. When I'm lonely, food. When I'm scared, food. When I'm bored, food. I can not let this continue. I need to break this pattern and I need help doing it. April has been a wonderful support. You would think that a skinny girl wouldn't understand but she does. Its awesome. She's encouraging me to go back to weight watchers and has even offered to go with me in fat suit! Now that, folks is a true friend.
I'm asking for anyone out there that can help me in my plight. Words of encouragement, tips, tricks, uplifting motivation, etc. I'm the worlds worst with commitment and I hate that about myself. I know that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results. I've been diagnosed as clinically insane so I guess now I need a support group to help me break out of this prison I've so willingly put myself into.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The letter I wrote to my best friend.
Did you know that you have hurt me. You hurt me often and don't realize it I guess. I consider you my best friend for life and the person I put beyond all others. Just ask Brandy, April, any of the girls at work, Eric, etc. they will tell you how important you are to me. We have been through things that other people can't imagine together. And when times get rough I've always known that I have you to count on. I don't feel like I have that anymore.
When you start dating someone, you engulf yourself in them and their lives. I'm no accusing, I'm just stating. Everyone does it at first. But you do it in a different way that hurts me.
When you started dating Todd oh so many years ago, I didn't like him and I didn't think you two were good together so I bowed out of your life. You seemed to replace me quite quickly with other people. I let that slide because I knew you would always come back. And you did, when things went sour with you and Todd I was there to pick up the peices and help you through it. The same way you did with Scott. You moved to NJ and I was there for you the whole time you were gone. I even came to visit. You had a hard time making friends but I was still there. I couldn't visit you as much I would have liked but I did make the effort. When things fell apart, I was there.
Now you get back to NC and immediately start up a new relationship. I like Jason, I liked Scott for that matter, but I do think Jason is good for you and I think you make a wonderful couple. I am very happy for you and hope everything continues to be wonderful. However, you have replaced me with his friends. When the two of you first started dating you begged me to go to all these shows with you and all these events because you didn't want to sit there alone and you didn't have any friends. Now those invites are few and far between. You invited me to HRW and I was so excited. I have wanted to go for awhile and would have been awesome to go with you. I picked out some clothes and got my schedule re-arranged at work. I told Eric that I wouldn't be around due to going with you to the festival. I made him up some dinners so he would have some food made. I called you numerous times and especially when you posted a blog saying you weren't going. I thought I would at least get a phone call if this was happening not a fricken blog for god's sake! But alas, nothing. I know you are busy with work and the kids and jason and all so I figured you would call me sooner or later. I even invited ya'll to stay at my house. I cleaned top to bottom and washed sheets on the guest bed. I told you to let me know if you were going. I heard nothing.
Then I read on MySpace of all fricken places that you did, in fact go and had a glorious time with some other girl. She has pics posted of you all over her blog and how you are her new best friend for life. Then she suddenly gets put in front of me in your top 8. Great. Now I'm jealous of pecking order on MySpace.
Yes, Kelly I am jealous. I'm jealous of the fact that I spend most of my life caring about someone who kicks me to the curb when things go great in her life and then expect me to be there when they go south. I'm jealous of someone that only calls me to tell me that she got a 2 carat diamond engagement ring but not that she isn't going to be hanging out with me. I'm jealous of the friendship we used to have. I may not be as important to you, but you are everything to me. My heart is breaking.
I know that Jason is a social person and you aren't quite as outgoing so I know he has introduced you to some people. I'm happy that you've made friends. I want you to be happy. I want you live your life to the fullest extent, I just want to be in it.
Am I not cool enough to be your friend anymore? I know we aren't into the same things. And that we have our own interests, but we always have. Do you think I'll embarass you in front of your new friends? Is that it? I promise I won't. I promise....
Just don't leave me again...please...
When you start dating someone, you engulf yourself in them and their lives. I'm no accusing, I'm just stating. Everyone does it at first. But you do it in a different way that hurts me.
When you started dating Todd oh so many years ago, I didn't like him and I didn't think you two were good together so I bowed out of your life. You seemed to replace me quite quickly with other people. I let that slide because I knew you would always come back. And you did, when things went sour with you and Todd I was there to pick up the peices and help you through it. The same way you did with Scott. You moved to NJ and I was there for you the whole time you were gone. I even came to visit. You had a hard time making friends but I was still there. I couldn't visit you as much I would have liked but I did make the effort. When things fell apart, I was there.
Now you get back to NC and immediately start up a new relationship. I like Jason, I liked Scott for that matter, but I do think Jason is good for you and I think you make a wonderful couple. I am very happy for you and hope everything continues to be wonderful. However, you have replaced me with his friends. When the two of you first started dating you begged me to go to all these shows with you and all these events because you didn't want to sit there alone and you didn't have any friends. Now those invites are few and far between. You invited me to HRW and I was so excited. I have wanted to go for awhile and would have been awesome to go with you. I picked out some clothes and got my schedule re-arranged at work. I told Eric that I wouldn't be around due to going with you to the festival. I made him up some dinners so he would have some food made. I called you numerous times and especially when you posted a blog saying you weren't going. I thought I would at least get a phone call if this was happening not a fricken blog for god's sake! But alas, nothing. I know you are busy with work and the kids and jason and all so I figured you would call me sooner or later. I even invited ya'll to stay at my house. I cleaned top to bottom and washed sheets on the guest bed. I told you to let me know if you were going. I heard nothing.
Then I read on MySpace of all fricken places that you did, in fact go and had a glorious time with some other girl. She has pics posted of you all over her blog and how you are her new best friend for life. Then she suddenly gets put in front of me in your top 8. Great. Now I'm jealous of pecking order on MySpace.
Yes, Kelly I am jealous. I'm jealous of the fact that I spend most of my life caring about someone who kicks me to the curb when things go great in her life and then expect me to be there when they go south. I'm jealous of someone that only calls me to tell me that she got a 2 carat diamond engagement ring but not that she isn't going to be hanging out with me. I'm jealous of the friendship we used to have. I may not be as important to you, but you are everything to me. My heart is breaking.
I know that Jason is a social person and you aren't quite as outgoing so I know he has introduced you to some people. I'm happy that you've made friends. I want you to be happy. I want you live your life to the fullest extent, I just want to be in it.
Am I not cool enough to be your friend anymore? I know we aren't into the same things. And that we have our own interests, but we always have. Do you think I'll embarass you in front of your new friends? Is that it? I promise I won't. I promise....
Just don't leave me again...please...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Fourth of July Celebrations
We had a cookout for our friends on Sunday. A few of them showed up and much fun was had. A few of my bf's co-workers came. It was an ok time. Nothing to write home about I guess. Here are some pictures.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
High Maintence Friendships.
I posted a few days ago about my friend that I'm jealous of. She has asked me to go to this really awesome music festival here in town that I've always wanted to go to but its $65 and I never really had that extra cash. Her boyfriend is playing in a band for the fest and they were getting me in for free. I asked her a few days ago if she was still going because I was looking forward to it and cleared my work schedule to be able to go. She said she wasn't sure and would let me know. I've called her every single day since then and still no response from her. I think that is kinda crappy, don't you?
Now on to 'The Princess'. I have a very close friend, so close in fact that I am supposed to be her maid of honor at her wedding in July of 07. (I as 'supposed' because every other day she threatens to call the whole thing off due to one thing or another. She has been with this dude for 4 years and I've known her a year of that and in that year she has 'broken up' with him at least once a month but never seems to leave the house or stick to her ultimatums.) I'm guessing that the parenthesis give you a good idea of the princess's personality. She is a very pretty girl with a fairly unattractive boyfriend, excuse me fiance, that she expects to bend to her every single whim. I'm not saying that he is 'prince charming' by any means. He has his definite faults, most of which arise due to the fact that he has no ambition to become anymore than he is. Unfortunately he is paired with an only child, spoiled rotten by her daddy, girl that he must fawn over and cater to or his life is made miserable.
She is also a hypochandriac. Luckily she is still on daddy's insurance because she runs to the doctor every other day about one thing or another. I almost bought her this book I saw at Barnes and Noble that was entitled "The Hypochondriac's Guide to 50 Diseases That you Probably Already Have". The other day she found that he head was lumpy and automatically assumed she had a brain tumor. She has moles removed every single week because she thinks she has mellenoma and while she waits for the results to come back she calls me every five minutes saying, "JAAAAADE, What if I have CAAANCER"! (She also whines alot.) I have repeatedly told her to shut up and that everything is fine and to stop being so overly dramatic about everything ever. This, of course, does no good because I get a return call the next day.
Why am I still friends with her you ask? Well its simple. When I have problems in my life that I think most people would think are petty, she completely sympathizes with me and makes feel like my problems are validated by the fact that they are a major issue. When in fact they are very miniscule and are really irrelavant. The Princess is also my hair dresser and keeps my coifed for free. She is also extremely attractive and it never hurts to have good looking friends.
Shallow? Maybe. But I'm Lake Superior compared to her.
Now on to 'The Princess'. I have a very close friend, so close in fact that I am supposed to be her maid of honor at her wedding in July of 07. (I as 'supposed' because every other day she threatens to call the whole thing off due to one thing or another. She has been with this dude for 4 years and I've known her a year of that and in that year she has 'broken up' with him at least once a month but never seems to leave the house or stick to her ultimatums.) I'm guessing that the parenthesis give you a good idea of the princess's personality. She is a very pretty girl with a fairly unattractive boyfriend, excuse me fiance, that she expects to bend to her every single whim. I'm not saying that he is 'prince charming' by any means. He has his definite faults, most of which arise due to the fact that he has no ambition to become anymore than he is. Unfortunately he is paired with an only child, spoiled rotten by her daddy, girl that he must fawn over and cater to or his life is made miserable.
She is also a hypochandriac. Luckily she is still on daddy's insurance because she runs to the doctor every other day about one thing or another. I almost bought her this book I saw at Barnes and Noble that was entitled "The Hypochondriac's Guide to 50 Diseases That you Probably Already Have". The other day she found that he head was lumpy and automatically assumed she had a brain tumor. She has moles removed every single week because she thinks she has mellenoma and while she waits for the results to come back she calls me every five minutes saying, "JAAAAADE, What if I have CAAANCER"! (She also whines alot.) I have repeatedly told her to shut up and that everything is fine and to stop being so overly dramatic about everything ever. This, of course, does no good because I get a return call the next day.
Why am I still friends with her you ask? Well its simple. When I have problems in my life that I think most people would think are petty, she completely sympathizes with me and makes feel like my problems are validated by the fact that they are a major issue. When in fact they are very miniscule and are really irrelavant. The Princess is also my hair dresser and keeps my coifed for free. She is also extremely attractive and it never hurts to have good looking friends.
Shallow? Maybe. But I'm Lake Superior compared to her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)