Sleep...The Elusive Dream

If you asked my stepmom how I sleep at night, she would say "lots". The truth is, I don't sleep well and I never have. I've never really told anyone this until I reached adulthood. On the few occasions in which I've lived with her and my dad, I slept until 1pm or later. What they didn't realize is that I didn't actually go to sleep until 4 am or later.

And the sad thing is, I'm not a night owl. I don't think better at night; I don't function better at night, I don't get things done at night. The only thing I'm really good at in the evenings is not sleeping. I never really considered this a problem because I didn't realize it until about a year or so ago. I always worked in restaurants or bars so I was up late anyway and I just thought that was an occupational hazard. About a year ago I stopped bartending and worked a job where I had day hours. I had no problem with it. I actually found that I studied better for school during the day and morning.

When I started having a harder and harder time falling asleep I discovered that its me, not my jobs that have kept me awake at night. I simply can't fall asleep, and when I finally do I wake up 2 to 3 times a night to go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, etc. The only time I don't have a hard time falling asleep is around 10-11am. I can wake up at 9:30 and fall back asleep by 10. Or I can wake up at 6am and fall back asleep at 10am. I don't know what it is about that pre-noon time that just lulls me to sleep. So it appears to people that I sleep alot, when in actuality I only get my best sleep when people 'think' I'm goofing off and sleeping all day.

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I worked 10 hours today, on my feet all day no break. I drove for 2 hours, 1 hour both ways to work. When I finally got home I was dead tired. I layed on the couch in the basement and watched 'So You Think You Can Dance', (my new favorite obsession)and I totally thought I would fall asleep at any time. I didn't and about an hour ago I suddenly was wide awake. What the?

So now here I sit. Wide awake and completely tired. My eyes burn, I'm so tired. But when I lay down I can't fall asleep. And before you say anything, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING! I was prescribed Ambien, I took it for awhile but with my fear of addiction I didn't want to get used to it. I only took it once a week when I knew I had to go to bed at a certain time to get up by a certain time. It worked like a charm, for about 3 months. Now, nothin'. I've tried reading, I've tried writing, I've tried not reading, I've tried complete silence with earplugs, I've tried eye masks, I've tried nature sounds, I've tried watching tv, I've tried not watching tv, I've even tried watching that bizarre Christian channel with the EXTREMELY old nun lady. I've tried warm milk, I've tried cold milk, I've tried chai tea, I've tried aroma therapy, I've tried meditating, I've tried counting (backwards and forwards). There really isn't anything that I haven't tried. My new weirdness is that I everytime I get comfy in bed some weird place itches. UGGGH.

I hate this.