Why is it that all I do is be myself and that is just too much for people? I can't help that I let my feelings be known when I feel them. I can not stand it when people just assume they know me and talk all kindsa junk about something they don't know anything about! I understand the 'bros before hos' thing but when you are in a relationship with a girl and she flat out tells you that she didn't do anything or say any of the stuff that your friends are telling you she said, then you kinda have to believe her. Especially when you have the proof to show them. I mean seriously. And when flat out tell a girl that you purposely did things to hurt her but you want her back then you really have no chance of that happening.
I know I fall for the wrong guys. I know that I fall hard and I fall fast. I know that I can be intense. I make no bones about it. I tell you from the time you meet me what to expect. But somehow that doesn't compute and still enter into the mystic land of Jade with every intention of just being there for a vacation, not buying property. Stay off my lawn!
I am amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have me in their life and screw you if you can't handle me! I'm so sick of this. Seriously. What is it about me that causes men to just lose their ever lovin' minds? It's like they think I'm the dog's tuxedo until they spend a little time with me in person and then they fall off the face of the earth. If it happened once I wouldn't mind. If it happened twice, I could deal with it. But it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I meet someone that I actually feel full on chemistry with. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm going to totally stop meeting people in person. Seriously. I'm just giving up.
I know this rant makes me sound crazy. I probably am crazy. I'm crazy to think that someone would actually want me. I'm crazy to think that I will ever find someone to accept me for me. I'm crazy to think that I won't have to settle for someone that I don't feel chemistry with just to not be alone. I'm crazy for all of it.
I absolutely HATE the punched in the stomach feeling. That feeling is what I get every time someone gives me butterflies. I can't seem to have the butterflies without the kicked in the gut feeling later. It's like the rug gets pulled out from under me and I can't catch my breath. I'm falling down a hole and don't know when I'll hit bottom. My feet feel like lead and my head dizzy. I don't get it. Does this happen to anyone else?
I feel like I spend most of my time saying, "Sorry to bother you..." Why am I always a bother to people? I shouldn't be a bother I should a be a pleasure! I should be loved and adored not tolerated and abhorred!
I can't handle this. I am simply not strong enough to date apparently. Sorry mom and dad, you will never have grandkids and I will never know what its like to walk down an aisle. I guess this is it... life as I want to know it is merely a myth.
Friday, December 19, 2008
I'm about 4 shots deep and still no sleep in sight...
So it's 2:49am and by all accounts I should be slap knocked out but I'm not. Most of you know by now that I've been sick. I don't have insurance so I have to self medicate or fork over lots of money to have someone tell me to drink plenty of fluids and get some rest.
When you get sick everyone seems to know what to tell you what to do. I've heard all kindsa remedies but this one by far was the weirdest. I have a couple regulars at the bar that happen to be best friends with the owner of my restaurant. Apparently they learned this one from her. Some of you may have heard of this, some of you are going to think I'm nuts. Some of you already think I'm nuts so anything I say past this will just be whipped cream on the nutty sundae.
Apparently there is a miracle cure found at the liquor store. It's called Rock and Rye. This is the grossest thing I think I've ever put in my body. It's a reddish brown liquid with sliced oranges and cherries floating in it. The liqueur gets it name from Rock Candy that is placed in Rye Whiskey while distilling and packed with candied oranges to give it a 'distinct' flavor. If you drink this 80 proof wonder drug, it is rumored to clear up your congestion and knock out your cold...as well as the rest of you.
I was told by the lovely ladies to heat it up and mix some honey in it and sip it like hot tea. I tried this method and abruptly turned off by the distinct smell of old alcohol. The only way I can describe it is the smell coming out of someone's pores after a 2 or 3 day drinking binge. It was disgusting! I only managed to get down about 4 sips before I gave up. I will say that I started to feel a little better but nothing spectacular.
So tonight I decided to go with a different method recommended by a younger, hipper regular. She told me to just shoot the stuff. Take about two shots and go to bed. Well I tried that too. It was waaaaay better and easier to take and within about 3 minutes It felt like my nostrils were opening up and my sinuses were parting like the red sea! The top of my head started to clear and my ears felt like they were finally free to hear again. However, no sleepytime. So I thought I would take a couple more shots to knock me out. I figured what the hey! Everyone claims that I will sleep better than I ever have if I take this stuff so I want that elusive sleep, dang it!
So here it is 3 am and my Rock and Rye sleep is a Rockin' flop. I feel tired but not sleepy. But will say that my cold is almost completely gone and I definitely no longer have a sore throat or a head ache. So overall I give this method a 7. It cured what ailed me but it did nothing for my insomnia. Just goes to show ya, you can't drink all your troubles away...
When you get sick everyone seems to know what to tell you what to do. I've heard all kindsa remedies but this one by far was the weirdest. I have a couple regulars at the bar that happen to be best friends with the owner of my restaurant. Apparently they learned this one from her. Some of you may have heard of this, some of you are going to think I'm nuts. Some of you already think I'm nuts so anything I say past this will just be whipped cream on the nutty sundae.
Apparently there is a miracle cure found at the liquor store. It's called Rock and Rye. This is the grossest thing I think I've ever put in my body. It's a reddish brown liquid with sliced oranges and cherries floating in it. The liqueur gets it name from Rock Candy that is placed in Rye Whiskey while distilling and packed with candied oranges to give it a 'distinct' flavor. If you drink this 80 proof wonder drug, it is rumored to clear up your congestion and knock out your cold...as well as the rest of you.
I was told by the lovely ladies to heat it up and mix some honey in it and sip it like hot tea. I tried this method and abruptly turned off by the distinct smell of old alcohol. The only way I can describe it is the smell coming out of someone's pores after a 2 or 3 day drinking binge. It was disgusting! I only managed to get down about 4 sips before I gave up. I will say that I started to feel a little better but nothing spectacular.
So tonight I decided to go with a different method recommended by a younger, hipper regular. She told me to just shoot the stuff. Take about two shots and go to bed. Well I tried that too. It was waaaaay better and easier to take and within about 3 minutes It felt like my nostrils were opening up and my sinuses were parting like the red sea! The top of my head started to clear and my ears felt like they were finally free to hear again. However, no sleepytime. So I thought I would take a couple more shots to knock me out. I figured what the hey! Everyone claims that I will sleep better than I ever have if I take this stuff so I want that elusive sleep, dang it!
So here it is 3 am and my Rock and Rye sleep is a Rockin' flop. I feel tired but not sleepy. But will say that my cold is almost completely gone and I definitely no longer have a sore throat or a head ache. So overall I give this method a 7. It cured what ailed me but it did nothing for my insomnia. Just goes to show ya, you can't drink all your troubles away...
Monday, December 01, 2008
58lbs and other things I need to get off...
So I just saw this commercial on tv for The Realize Band. It's a gastric banding surgery that helps you lose weight. I've always wanted to do this so I went to the website and took the 'eligibility quiz'. Im apparently not fat enough. I am 'only' 58lbs over weight. ONLY? So I guess there is no quick fix for my 'obesity'. Guess I'll have to get it off the old fashioned way... dang it.
On to the next subject, Christmas. It's that time again and I've not been single for the last three Christmas'. I'm having mixed emotions about all this. On one hand it's going to cost me a crap ton less because I don't have an ungrateful boyfriend and his ungrateful family to purchase gifts for. On the other hand I have no one to put up a tree with and wake up to on Christmas morning. Two of my favorite activities. So I'm thinking I might have a Tree Trimming party. The only problem is I will have to do it on a Sunday and I don't have free Sunday until the 14th. Next week I'm going to Charlotte with Brit and the gang to look at brides maid dresses. I guess I could have a decorating party when we get back...I don't know. What should I do? I'm so particular about things I might be better off just doing it myself.
Well I've decided to get up off the couch and clean my house. I know, I know...it's a shock considering I've been sitting on my butt since Saturday night. But I think it's time, I smell something that isn't familiar and I must find it's source! Wish me luck!
On to the next subject, Christmas. It's that time again and I've not been single for the last three Christmas'. I'm having mixed emotions about all this. On one hand it's going to cost me a crap ton less because I don't have an ungrateful boyfriend and his ungrateful family to purchase gifts for. On the other hand I have no one to put up a tree with and wake up to on Christmas morning. Two of my favorite activities. So I'm thinking I might have a Tree Trimming party. The only problem is I will have to do it on a Sunday and I don't have free Sunday until the 14th. Next week I'm going to Charlotte with Brit and the gang to look at brides maid dresses. I guess I could have a decorating party when we get back...I don't know. What should I do? I'm so particular about things I might be better off just doing it myself.
Well I've decided to get up off the couch and clean my house. I know, I know...it's a shock considering I've been sitting on my butt since Saturday night. But I think it's time, I smell something that isn't familiar and I must find it's source! Wish me luck!
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