Ruining weddings and other things I'm scared of...

I need to lose 40 lbs for my health and my sanity. We all know i've said this before but I've also done this before and can do it again with the help of my trusty WW. I'm up to 205lbs folks and its startin' to show in my jowls and that ain't cool.

Losing the weight isn't the problem, the problem is if I lose the weight I'll ruin April's wedding. I know this sound ridiculous to even say aloud. Why would one of my best friends not want me to look my best for her wedding and improve my health at the same time?

Well, because I've already been fitted for and ordered the dress and the darn thing can only be taken in two sizes. The wedding isn't until the end of April (I know, April's getting hitched in April...how cute.) I can lose 50lbs in 16 weeks if I put my mind to it and mom has already said she is going to get me a Suddenly Slender package to tighten up the skin this go round so I won't look like an empty sack of flesh naked. (nice visual eh?) But what am I gonna do?

Do I go ahead with my newly found motivation and lose the darn weight and just kinda hope we can find someone to make the dress fit me? Or do I just wait it out and start after the wedding? I can't do that either because I'm in Kelly's wedding in June! Geez people, will ya quit with the marrying already! Just live together, its cheaper when ya break up!

Back to me... I'm growing at astronomical proportions here and I have to get a grip on this because I have too many cute clothes to gain anymore weight, dang it! Plus I can't wear my sexy crap anymore because I end up looking like the trailer princess who fell out of her mustang on the way to Arizona Petes Country Western Bar! Just say no to Muffin Tops!

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on FIIIRREE!

There is something very unsettling about turning on your tv expecting to see Oprah but instead seeing all your memories up in flames. My High School is presently on fire. Apparently the chemistry lab exploded at approximately 2:20pm today. They keep reiterating that no one was hurt or even in the particular classroom that caught fire, but I tend to think that is to settle down the masses. Not that I assume anyone is hurt, I just find it odd that they would keep repeating it.

Yet another sign that my life has changed course. I no longer am that girl. My childhood is burning to ashes in a fire that appears to be uncontrollable.

I wonder if the fire knows that it is doing this for me?

I wonder if it realizes that in all actuality this fire is reaffirming the fact that nothing lasts forever and resistance to that is futile.

I feel so...

I don't know..

whats the word...

out of place?

Misplaced?

insignificant?

under-appreciated?

left-behind?

I don't know...

But the weird thing is that I really am not freaking out about it. I'm just like, oh well. Whatever. Normally I would be all frantic and flippin out. But for some reason I'm just noticing and feeling these feelings but it's almost like I'm looking through a wall at it happening to someone else.

I guess its the medication. It must be the medication. Its calmed the paranoia but made the anger worse. Much, much, much worse. I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself or someone else very soon. But yet, they can't seem to come up with the funds to allow me to have counseling. Hmmm. Weird, considering I get $350 worth of medication every month for only $50. Yet they don't have funding for me to see a therapist about my rage issues? So I'm on a waiting list. I shall wait.