Giving Up The Ghost...

I am perpetually haunted by things. I live my life looking backwards rather than relishing in what I have. Sometimes I even have to tell myself that this moment is real when something good happens to me. I live in my head and lead with my heart. I get abused and used more often than treated and appreciated. Oh woe is me...

People continually tell me that I have plenty of time to find love or a career. But then they tell me to get on the ball and finish school before its too late. Too late for what? If I have plenty of time, what is the hurry to move forward?

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, myself or my career. I don't really want to think about it. I'm constantly being told that I need to finish school. Well, why? I have all of my paralegal classes finished and the only thing I need to finish to graduate are some silly keyboarding and formatting classes and some ridiculous math crap. I don't feel that if I were to acquire said degree that I would be any more qualified to work in the legal profession than I am at this very minute. I guess I just don't really care enough about school to actually put my heart into it. When I'm passionate about something, nothing can stop me. I've no passion for teachers and school books.

It would seem that a trend in my life is that once I've left someone's life, they tend to realize how important I once was to them. No one can seem to appreciate me when they have me in their life. I grieve for the loss of them only to have them return at a later date to tell me how much they miss me and want me back. However, they are currently unavailable due to their fiance and/or live in girlfriend but if they were single, they would be with me in a heartbeat. I'm sorry, what? So why even contact me? Why tell me how great I am but this other girl is better? That is essentially what they are saying right? If I was so amazing they would have never left me right? Obviously I'm just better in bed...

So that brings me to my current irritations...

"The One"
Erica brought this up the other day. The One is a mythical creature that only exists in John Cusak movies and Fairy Tales. If there is a "One" for me, he is probably happily married to my doppelganger and is rapidly reproducing evil spawn to mock me in my old age. "The One" can easily be created with a few shots of Tequila and tight fitting t-shirt. Lets just get over ourselves with this romanticized mode of relationships shall we?

"When you stop looking you will find it."
So you are saying when I'm not paying attention someone will conk me over the head with a love blow and I'll miraculously be in a wonderful relationship? Really? Really? I've never found anything important by not looking for it. Come on folks lets be honest with ourselves, when you were single you were always looking, or at least keeping your eyes open. I've been to a point where I'm just fed up and don't want to look, but that didn't mean I stopped altogether. This may come across as angry or desperate or whatever, but I am who I am. Get over it and yourself.

So now that I've sufficiently worked myself into an angry huff, I'll let you all sit around and not comment on this because you are scared I'll rip you a new one. I'm totally open to seeing things in a new light. Don't get wrong, I really do want to see things differently and am totally open for other ways of looking at this mess of a life I have. Feel free to change my mind.

Available for Consumption

When I give someone my heart. they will accept it willingly and openly.
They will not put on conditions or exceptions on it.

When I give someone my heart, I shall expect theirs in return.
Not a desperate attempt at a life together out of loneliness or obligation.

When I give someone my heart, I expect nothing but full disclosure.
Including feeling comfortable in the unknown.

When I give someone my heart, it will be forever.
Not one minute shy of an eternity.

When I give someone my heart, they will know my intentions.
And I will know the extent of that intent.

When I give someone my heart, I will bleed for them.
Because nothing short of an opened vein will convey that amount of love.

When I give someone my heart, it will be because they deserve it.
My heart is not to be accepted lightly or haphazardly.

You may think you want this.
You may think you can handle this.
You may think you know me.
You may think you care.

I can assure you that you have no idea of who I am.
Don't dismiss my kindness for true feelings of love.
I am way too complex to be used as your object of desire.
Adoration comes at a great price.

When I give you my heart, I will be whole.