I recently met someone that I was crazy about. Unfortunately he wasn't ready for the type of relationship we were progressing into. I knew it when I met him. He was young, ten years my junior in fact and recently out of a very intense relationship. Oh what is that you say? Red flags? I'm sorry, I think I might be color blind...
When I met him (blind date style) I wasn't expecting anything. Just a chance to go out with a real live boy and have some intelligent conversation and possibly a few laughs. I had exchanged several emails with him and knew that he was of above average intelligence as well as articulate and extremely mature for his age. I shared some laughs with him via text and knew that he would get my sense of humor, which is always a plus. I'm a funny frickin' girl but not all people realize this and tend to think I'm just a jerk. He got it, honestly got it. Awesome.
So we met downtown and had a great conversation. I wasn't very nervous because I wasn't exactly expecting anything. Another new thing for me because I'm usually over thinking everything and have sabotaged myself before the night even begins. Things went smooth and I was impressed with the way he talked to me. He was very smooth and easy to talk to. He listened well and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. His facial expressions were intriguing and I loved to watch the words fall out of his perfect lips. His voice was like music to my tone deaf ears and I would have loved to hear him talk for hours.
I thought he might be a bit skinny as I'm not a petite girl. Plus I like a man that can make me feel safe and protected at all times. I've found the skinny ones are often not the vigilant type. After talking to him for hours in the parking lot after we left the bar, I quickly discerned that his physical size was in no way indicative of his chivalry. Once, in fact when some random crack heads approached us he immediately took a defensive stance in front of me as to shield me from the leering eyes of the predators. I was smitten to say the least.
After our first night we were pretty much in complete harmony with one another. He texted me often just to let me know he was thinking of me. It's the little things that impress me. Everyday was better than the next and the affection he showered upon was everything I could have ever asked for. He never told me I was pretty or spoke the words "You look nice", but in his every action I knew he was thinking it. Actions speak mountains and his were of the Everest proportion.
As you may have guessed it ended. It ended abruptly and with a text message. I fell for someone I never expected and let down my defenses only to have my walls crumbled from the inside. He asked me if I wished I hadn't met him. The only way I can fully answer this is to say yes. I cherish every single moment I spent with him and it hurts me to even remember these times. It's like a stab in my heart every time I picture his brilliant blue eyes gazing into mine. My bottom lip trembles when I remember the feel of his hands on my skin and his body next to me. All these things hurt in a way that I don't want to feel. I've often said that butterflies are often followed by the kicked in the gut feeling when things go wrong. Are the butterflies worth the pain? I don't know that they are.
I can't be mad at him. He simply was NOT ready for the connection that he found with me. He thought that he would be and in fact found way more than he actually bargained for. I know that he hoped he could have been ready for me. I can only hope that he finds someone later on in life that will love him the way I could have loved him had I only had the chance. Or that I get to chance to love him once again...
