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I'm dying on the inside...despite my smile.

I took a second job so now I'm working between 10 to 15 hours six days a week. I'm only off work on Sundays now and one Sunday a month I gotta work that day too. I'm tired. I did this for a few reasons.

The main reason was to get my mind off being alone. I hate dating and I hate these none week relationships I keep finding myself in. I meet guys that I sorta like but end up dating them for about a week and its over. I either firebomb it with my bad attitude or my needy-ness, or they say or do something that I can't deal with. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. When you meet someone it should just flow. Effortlessly and easily. Of course problems will arise and differences will form, but when you first meet someone it shouldn't be a struggle to simply get along. Should it?

I thought that working this much would help me now worry about it so much. And it is true. When I'm at work, especially the new job I don't think or wonder about what is going on other than what I'm focused on. I can't have my phone with me so I'm not constantly checking it wondering if anyone has texted me. But then I come home and my body aches and my mind has time to process that I am coming home alone. That I have no one to massage my aching muscles..that I have no one to tell about my day..that I have no one to eat with..that I have no one to curl up with and sleep.

I hate that I'm like this but I really don't know how to fix it. All my friends are getting married or happily rolling through life with their significant others. They try to tell me that its not all its cracked up to be. And its not like I've never been in a relationship. I know there are bad times. I know that sometimes it sucks to answer to someone. But what they don't remember is what it's like to be alone. The grass always seems greener...

I don't really know what I hope to accomplish from this post. I guess I just needed to whine. I keep coming back to Cameron. I miss how totally and completely we connected. It was effortless and easy. It was perfect. It sucks. It really really sucks.

Truth or Consequences...no on ever said anything about trust.

I need to figure out what is going on. The only thing I can ascertain is that I'm too eager. So I have to just stop wanting it so bad. But how does one go about that? How do you stop wanting something so bad that you ache? It physically hurts me that I can't find love. My internal 'self' has a headache.

All I want is to be told the truth. I will accept the consequences. But I can't be expected to just accept what I'm uncertain of. That is like trusting in the unknown...I think they call it faith? I lost my faith years ago and am steadily losing all hope as well.

I've decided that I'm going to just get over it. Easier said than done. I seriously need to get a hobby or something that takes my mind off life. Apparently I come across desperate and needy. Of course I'm desperate and needy, I'm 33 years old and I've never been married and have no kids. It's like my whole life has passed me by without me. Maybe I was too picky. Maybe I wasn't picky enough. Maybe I'm just a great big loser that doesn't know when to shut up. Regardless, I'm still alone with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I've become bitter and angry. I've never been a bitter and angry person. Sad yes, but never bitter. I don't like this person that is seeping out of me. I need to find the leak and patch it post haste. Anyone know how to fix a hemorrhaged heart?

To all who've broken my heart...

"She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple, little way"


Written by Miranda Lambert but felt deeply by me.

Finding more than I bargained for...

I recently met someone that I was crazy about. Unfortunately he wasn't ready for the type of relationship we were progressing into. I knew it when I met him. He was young, ten years my junior in fact and recently out of a very intense relationship. Oh what is that you say? Red flags? I'm sorry, I think I might be color blind...

When I met him (blind date style) I wasn't expecting anything. Just a chance to go out with a real live boy and have some intelligent conversation and possibly a few laughs. I had exchanged several emails with him and knew that he was of above average intelligence as well as articulate and extremely mature for his age. I shared some laughs with him via text and knew that he would get my sense of humor, which is always a plus. I'm a funny frickin' girl but not all people realize this and tend to think I'm just a jerk. He got it, honestly got it. Awesome.

So we met downtown and had a great conversation. I wasn't very nervous because I wasn't exactly expecting anything. Another new thing for me because I'm usually over thinking everything and have sabotaged myself before the night even begins. Things went smooth and I was impressed with the way he talked to me. He was very smooth and easy to talk to. He listened well and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. His facial expressions were intriguing and I loved to watch the words fall out of his perfect lips. His voice was like music to my tone deaf ears and I would have loved to hear him talk for hours.

I thought he might be a bit skinny as I'm not a petite girl. Plus I like a man that can make me feel safe and protected at all times. I've found the skinny ones are often not the vigilant type. After talking to him for hours in the parking lot after we left the bar, I quickly discerned that his physical size was in no way indicative of his chivalry. Once, in fact when some random crack heads approached us he immediately took a defensive stance in front of me as to shield me from the leering eyes of the predators. I was smitten to say the least.

After our first night we were pretty much in complete harmony with one another. He texted me often just to let me know he was thinking of me. It's the little things that impress me. Everyday was better than the next and the affection he showered upon was everything I could have ever asked for. He never told me I was pretty or spoke the words "You look nice", but in his every action I knew he was thinking it. Actions speak mountains and his were of the Everest proportion.

As you may have guessed it ended. It ended abruptly and with a text message. I fell for someone I never expected and let down my defenses only to have my walls crumbled from the inside. He asked me if I wished I hadn't met him. The only way I can fully answer this is to say yes. I cherish every single moment I spent with him and it hurts me to even remember these times. It's like a stab in my heart every time I picture his brilliant blue eyes gazing into mine. My bottom lip trembles when I remember the feel of his hands on my skin and his body next to me. All these things hurt in a way that I don't want to feel. I've often said that butterflies are often followed by the kicked in the gut feeling when things go wrong. Are the butterflies worth the pain? I don't know that they are.

I can't be mad at him. He simply was NOT ready for the connection that he found with me. He thought that he would be and in fact found way more than he actually bargained for. I know that he hoped he could have been ready for me. I can only hope that he finds someone later on in life that will love him the way I could have loved him had I only had the chance. Or that I get to chance to love him once again...

Giving Up The Ghost...

I am perpetually haunted by things. I live my life looking backwards rather than relishing in what I have. Sometimes I even have to tell myself that this moment is real when something good happens to me. I live in my head and lead with my heart. I get abused and used more often than treated and appreciated. Oh woe is me...

People continually tell me that I have plenty of time to find love or a career. But then they tell me to get on the ball and finish school before its too late. Too late for what? If I have plenty of time, what is the hurry to move forward?

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, myself or my career. I don't really want to think about it. I'm constantly being told that I need to finish school. Well, why? I have all of my paralegal classes finished and the only thing I need to finish to graduate are some silly keyboarding and formatting classes and some ridiculous math crap. I don't feel that if I were to acquire said degree that I would be any more qualified to work in the legal profession than I am at this very minute. I guess I just don't really care enough about school to actually put my heart into it. When I'm passionate about something, nothing can stop me. I've no passion for teachers and school books.

It would seem that a trend in my life is that once I've left someone's life, they tend to realize how important I once was to them. No one can seem to appreciate me when they have me in their life. I grieve for the loss of them only to have them return at a later date to tell me how much they miss me and want me back. However, they are currently unavailable due to their fiance and/or live in girlfriend but if they were single, they would be with me in a heartbeat. I'm sorry, what? So why even contact me? Why tell me how great I am but this other girl is better? That is essentially what they are saying right? If I was so amazing they would have never left me right? Obviously I'm just better in bed...

So that brings me to my current irritations...

"The One"
Erica brought this up the other day. The One is a mythical creature that only exists in John Cusak movies and Fairy Tales. If there is a "One" for me, he is probably happily married to my doppelganger and is rapidly reproducing evil spawn to mock me in my old age. "The One" can easily be created with a few shots of Tequila and tight fitting t-shirt. Lets just get over ourselves with this romanticized mode of relationships shall we?

"When you stop looking you will find it."
So you are saying when I'm not paying attention someone will conk me over the head with a love blow and I'll miraculously be in a wonderful relationship? Really? Really? I've never found anything important by not looking for it. Come on folks lets be honest with ourselves, when you were single you were always looking, or at least keeping your eyes open. I've been to a point where I'm just fed up and don't want to look, but that didn't mean I stopped altogether. This may come across as angry or desperate or whatever, but I am who I am. Get over it and yourself.

So now that I've sufficiently worked myself into an angry huff, I'll let you all sit around and not comment on this because you are scared I'll rip you a new one. I'm totally open to seeing things in a new light. Don't get wrong, I really do want to see things differently and am totally open for other ways of looking at this mess of a life I have. Feel free to change my mind.

Available for Consumption

When I give someone my heart. they will accept it willingly and openly.
They will not put on conditions or exceptions on it.

When I give someone my heart, I shall expect theirs in return.
Not a desperate attempt at a life together out of loneliness or obligation.

When I give someone my heart, I expect nothing but full disclosure.
Including feeling comfortable in the unknown.

When I give someone my heart, it will be forever.
Not one minute shy of an eternity.

When I give someone my heart, they will know my intentions.
And I will know the extent of that intent.

When I give someone my heart, I will bleed for them.
Because nothing short of an opened vein will convey that amount of love.

When I give someone my heart, it will be because they deserve it.
My heart is not to be accepted lightly or haphazardly.

You may think you want this.
You may think you can handle this.
You may think you know me.
You may think you care.

I can assure you that you have no idea of who I am.
Don't dismiss my kindness for true feelings of love.
I am way too complex to be used as your object of desire.
Adoration comes at a great price.

When I give you my heart, I will be whole.