The Road to Rocks...

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2011-03-08T01:40:00.004-05:00

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I'm dying on the inside...despite my smile.

2009-09-20T16:28:00.002-04:00

I took a second job so now I'm working between 10 to 15 hours six days a week. I'm only off work on Sundays now and one Sunday a month I gotta work that day too. I'm tired. I did this for a few reasons.

The main reason was to get my mind off being alone. I hate dating and I hate these none week relationships I keep finding myself in. I meet guys that I sorta like but end up dating them for about a week and its over. I either firebomb it with my bad attitude or my needy-ness, or they say or do something that I can't deal with. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. When you meet someone it should just flow. Effortlessly and easily. Of course problems will arise and differences will form, but when you first meet someone it shouldn't be a struggle to simply get along. Should it?

I thought that working this much would help me now worry about it so much. And it is true. When I'm at work, especially the new job I don't think or wonder about what is going on other than what I'm focused on. I can't have my phone with me so I'm not constantly checking it wondering if anyone has texted me. But then I come home and my body aches and my mind has time to process that I am coming home alone. That I have no one to massage my aching muscles..that I have no one to tell about my day..that I have no one to eat with..that I have no one to curl up with and sleep.

I hate that I'm like this but I really don't know how to fix it. All my friends are getting married or happily rolling through life with their significant others. They try to tell me that its not all its cracked up to be. And its not like I've never been in a relationship. I know there are bad times. I know that sometimes it sucks to answer to someone. But what they don't remember is what it's like to be alone. The grass always seems greener...

I don't really know what I hope to accomplish from this post. I guess I just needed to whine. I keep coming back to Cameron. I miss how totally and completely we connected. It was effortless and easy. It was perfect. It sucks. It really really sucks.

Truth or Consequences...no on ever said anything about trust.

2009-07-29T03:31:00.002-04:00

I need to figure out what is going on. The only thing I can ascertain is that I'm too eager. So I have to just stop wanting it so bad. But how does one go about that? How do you stop wanting something so bad that you ache? It physically hurts me that I can't find love. My internal 'self' has a headache.

All I want is to be told the truth. I will accept the consequences. But I can't be expected to just accept what I'm uncertain of. That is like trusting in the unknown...I think they call it faith? I lost my faith years ago and am steadily losing all hope as well.

I've decided that I'm going to just get over it. Easier said than done. I seriously need to get a hobby or something that takes my mind off life. Apparently I come across desperate and needy. Of course I'm desperate and needy, I'm 33 years old and I've never been married and have no kids. It's like my whole life has passed me by without me. Maybe I was too picky. Maybe I wasn't picky enough. Maybe I'm just a great big loser that doesn't know when to shut up. Regardless, I'm still alone with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I've become bitter and angry. I've never been a bitter and angry person. Sad yes, but never bitter. I don't like this person that is seeping out of me. I need to find the leak and patch it post haste. Anyone know how to fix a hemorrhaged heart?

To all who've broken my heart...

2009-07-23T04:40:00.001-04:00

"She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple, little way"

Written by Miranda Lambert but felt deeply by me.

Finding more than I bargained for...

2009-06-14T19:11:00.002-04:00

I recently met someone that I was crazy about. Unfortunately he wasn't ready for the type of relationship we were progressing into. I knew it when I met him. He was young, ten years my junior in fact and recently out of a very intense relationship. Oh what is that you say? Red flags? I'm sorry, I think I might be color blind...

When I met him (blind date style) I wasn't expecting anything. Just a chance to go out with a real live boy and have some intelligent conversation and possibly a few laughs. I had exchanged several emails with him and knew that he was of above average intelligence as well as articulate and extremely mature for his age. I shared some laughs with him via text and knew that he would get my sense of humor, which is always a plus. I'm a funny frickin' girl but not all people realize this and tend to think I'm just a jerk. He got it, honestly got it. Awesome.

So we met downtown and had a great conversation. I wasn't very nervous because I wasn't exactly expecting anything. Another new thing for me because I'm usually over thinking everything and have sabotaged myself before the night even begins. Things went smooth and I was impressed with the way he talked to me. He was very smooth and easy to talk to. He listened well and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. His facial expressions were intriguing and I loved to watch the words fall out of his perfect lips. His voice was like music to my tone deaf ears and I would have loved to hear him talk for hours.

I thought he might be a bit skinny as I'm not a petite girl. Plus I like a man that can make me feel safe and protected at all times. I've found the skinny ones are often not the vigilant type. After talking to him for hours in the parking lot after we left the bar, I quickly discerned that his physical size was in no way indicative of his chivalry. Once, in fact when some random crack heads approached us he immediately took a defensive stance in front of me as to shield me from the leering eyes of the predators. I was smitten to say the least.

After our first night we were pretty much in complete harmony with one another. He texted me often just to let me know he was thinking of me. It's the little things that impress me. Everyday was better than the next and the affection he showered upon was everything I could have ever asked for. He never told me I was pretty or spoke the words "You look nice", but in his every action I knew he was thinking it. Actions speak mountains and his were of the Everest proportion.

As you may have guessed it ended. It ended abruptly and with a text message. I fell for someone I never expected and let down my defenses only to have my walls crumbled from the inside. He asked me if I wished I hadn't met him. The only way I can fully answer this is to say yes. I cherish every single moment I spent with him and it hurts me to even remember these times. It's like a stab in my heart every time I picture his brilliant blue eyes gazing into mine. My bottom lip trembles when I remember the feel of his hands on my skin and his body next to me. All these things hurt in a way that I don't want to feel. I've often said that butterflies are often followed by the kicked in the gut feeling when things go wrong. Are the butterflies worth the pain? I don't know that they are.

I can't be mad at him. He simply was NOT ready for the connection that he found with me. He thought that he would be and in fact found way more than he actually bargained for. I know that he hoped he could have been ready for me. I can only hope that he finds someone later on in life that will love him the way I could have loved him had I only had the chance. Or that I get to chance to love him once again...

Giving Up The Ghost...

2009-01-19T18:20:00.001-05:00

I am perpetually haunted by things. I live my life looking backwards rather than relishing in what I have. Sometimes I even have to tell myself that this moment is real when something good happens to me. I live in my head and lead with my heart. I get abused and used more often than treated and appreciated. Oh woe is me...

People continually tell me that I have plenty of time to find love or a career. But then they tell me to get on the ball and finish school before its too late. Too late for what? If I have plenty of time, what is the hurry to move forward?

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, myself or my career. I don't really want to think about it. I'm constantly being told that I need to finish school. Well, why? I have all of my paralegal classes finished and the only thing I need to finish to graduate are some silly keyboarding and formatting classes and some ridiculous math crap. I don't feel that if I were to acquire said degree that I would be any more qualified to work in the legal profession than I am at this very minute. I guess I just don't really care enough about school to actually put my heart into it. When I'm passionate about something, nothing can stop me. I've no passion for teachers and school books.

It would seem that a trend in my life is that once I've left someone's life, they tend to realize how important I once was to them. No one can seem to appreciate me when they have me in their life. I grieve for the loss of them only to have them return at a later date to tell me how much they miss me and want me back. However, they are currently unavailable due to their fiance and/or live in girlfriend but if they were single, they would be with me in a heartbeat. I'm sorry, what? So why even contact me? Why tell me how great I am but this other girl is better? That is essentially what they are saying right? If I was so amazing they would have never left me right? Obviously I'm just better in bed...

So that brings me to my current irritations...

"The One"
Erica brought this up the other day. The One is a mythical creature that only exists in John Cusak movies and Fairy Tales. If there is a "One" for me, he is probably happily married to my doppelganger and is rapidly reproducing evil spawn to mock me in my old age. "The One" can easily be created with a few shots of Tequila and tight fitting t-shirt. Lets just get over ourselves with this romanticized mode of relationships shall we?

"When you stop looking you will find it."
So you are saying when I'm not paying attention someone will conk me over the head with a love blow and I'll miraculously be in a wonderful relationship? Really? Really? I've never found anything important by not looking for it. Come on folks lets be honest with ourselves, when you were single you were always looking, or at least keeping your eyes open. I've been to a point where I'm just fed up and don't want to look, but that didn't mean I stopped altogether. This may come across as angry or desperate or whatever, but I am who I am. Get over it and yourself.

So now that I've sufficiently worked myself into an angry huff, I'll let you all sit around and not comment on this because you are scared I'll rip you a new one. I'm totally open to seeing things in a new light. Don't get wrong, I really do want to see things differently and am totally open for other ways of looking at this mess of a life I have. Feel free to change my mind.

Available for Consumption

2009-01-08T02:32:00.001-05:00

When I give someone my heart. they will accept it willingly and openly.
They will not put on conditions or exceptions on it.

When I give someone my heart, I shall expect theirs in return.
Not a desperate attempt at a life together out of loneliness or obligation.

When I give someone my heart, I expect nothing but full disclosure.
Including feeling comfortable in the unknown.

When I give someone my heart, it will be forever.
Not one minute shy of an eternity.

When I give someone my heart, they will know my intentions.
And I will know the extent of that intent.

When I give someone my heart, I will bleed for them.
Because nothing short of an opened vein will convey that amount of love.

When I give someone my heart, it will be because they deserve it.
My heart is not to be accepted lightly or haphazardly.

You may think you want this.
You may think you can handle this.
You may think you know me.
You may think you care.

I can assure you that you have no idea of who I am.
Don't dismiss my kindness for true feelings of love.
I am way too complex to be used as your object of desire.
Adoration comes at a great price.

When I give you my heart, I will be whole.

Do I have cooties?

2008-12-19T03:15:00.000-05:00

Why is it that all I do is be myself and that is just too much for people? I can't help that I let my feelings be known when I feel them. I can not stand it when people just assume they know me and talk all kindsa junk about something they don't know anything about! I understand the 'bros before hos' thing but when you are in a relationship with a girl and she flat out tells you that she didn't do anything or say any of the stuff that your friends are telling you she said, then you kinda have to believe her. Especially when you have the proof to show them. I mean seriously. And when flat out tell a girl that you purposely did things to hurt her but you want her back then you really have no chance of that happening.

I know I fall for the wrong guys. I know that I fall hard and I fall fast. I know that I can be intense. I make no bones about it. I tell you from the time you meet me what to expect. But somehow that doesn't compute and still enter into the mystic land of Jade with every intention of just being there for a vacation, not buying property. Stay off my lawn!

I am amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have me in their life and screw you if you can't handle me! I'm so sick of this. Seriously. What is it about me that causes men to just lose their ever lovin' minds? It's like they think I'm the dog's tuxedo until they spend a little time with me in person and then they fall off the face of the earth. If it happened once I wouldn't mind. If it happened twice, I could deal with it. But it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I meet someone that I actually feel full on chemistry with. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm going to totally stop meeting people in person. Seriously. I'm just giving up.

I know this rant makes me sound crazy. I probably am crazy. I'm crazy to think that someone would actually want me. I'm crazy to think that I will ever find someone to accept me for me. I'm crazy to think that I won't have to settle for someone that I don't feel chemistry with just to not be alone. I'm crazy for all of it.

I absolutely HATE the punched in the stomach feeling. That feeling is what I get every time someone gives me butterflies. I can't seem to have the butterflies without the kicked in the gut feeling later. It's like the rug gets pulled out from under me and I can't catch my breath. I'm falling down a hole and don't know when I'll hit bottom. My feet feel like lead and my head dizzy. I don't get it. Does this happen to anyone else?

I feel like I spend most of my time saying, "Sorry to bother you..." Why am I always a bother to people? I shouldn't be a bother I should a be a pleasure! I should be loved and adored not tolerated and abhorred!

I can't handle this. I am simply not strong enough to date apparently. Sorry mom and dad, you will never have grandkids and I will never know what its like to walk down an aisle. I guess this is it... life as I want to know it is merely a myth.

I'm about 4 shots deep and still no sleep in sight...

2008-12-19T03:14:00.000-05:00

So it's 2:49am and by all accounts I should be slap knocked out but I'm not. Most of you know by now that I've been sick. I don't have insurance so I have to self medicate or fork over lots of money to have someone tell me to drink plenty of fluids and get some rest.

When you get sick everyone seems to know what to tell you what to do. I've heard all kindsa remedies but this one by far was the weirdest. I have a couple regulars at the bar that happen to be best friends with the owner of my restaurant. Apparently they learned this one from her. Some of you may have heard of this, some of you are going to think I'm nuts. Some of you already think I'm nuts so anything I say past this will just be whipped cream on the nutty sundae.

Apparently there is a miracle cure found at the liquor store. It's called Rock and Rye. This is the grossest thing I think I've ever put in my body. It's a reddish brown liquid with sliced oranges and cherries floating in it. The liqueur gets it name from Rock Candy that is placed in Rye Whiskey while distilling and packed with candied oranges to give it a 'distinct' flavor. If you drink this 80 proof wonder drug, it is rumored to clear up your congestion and knock out your cold...as well as the rest of you.

I was told by the lovely ladies to heat it up and mix some honey in it and sip it like hot tea. I tried this method and abruptly turned off by the distinct smell of old alcohol. The only way I can describe it is the smell coming out of someone's pores after a 2 or 3 day drinking binge. It was disgusting! I only managed to get down about 4 sips before I gave up. I will say that I started to feel a little better but nothing spectacular.

So tonight I decided to go with a different method recommended by a younger, hipper regular. She told me to just shoot the stuff. Take about two shots and go to bed. Well I tried that too. It was waaaaay better and easier to take and within about 3 minutes It felt like my nostrils were opening up and my sinuses were parting like the red sea! The top of my head started to clear and my ears felt like they were finally free to hear again. However, no sleepytime. So I thought I would take a couple more shots to knock me out. I figured what the hey! Everyone claims that I will sleep better than I ever have if I take this stuff so I want that elusive sleep, dang it!

So here it is 3 am and my Rock and Rye sleep is a Rockin' flop. I feel tired but not sleepy. But will say that my cold is almost completely gone and I definitely no longer have a sore throat or a head ache. So overall I give this method a 7. It cured what ailed me but it did nothing for my insomnia. Just goes to show ya, you can't drink all your troubles away...

58lbs and other things I need to get off...

2008-12-01T19:02:00.000-05:00

So I just saw this commercial on tv for The Realize Band. It's a gastric banding surgery that helps you lose weight. I've always wanted to do this so I went to the website and took the 'eligibility quiz'. Im apparently not fat enough. I am 'only' 58lbs over weight. ONLY? So I guess there is no quick fix for my 'obesity'. Guess I'll have to get it off the old fashioned way... dang it.

On to the next subject, Christmas. It's that time again and I've not been single for the last three Christmas'. I'm having mixed emotions about all this. On one hand it's going to cost me a crap ton less because I don't have an ungrateful boyfriend and his ungrateful family to purchase gifts for. On the other hand I have no one to put up a tree with and wake up to on Christmas morning. Two of my favorite activities. So I'm thinking I might have a Tree Trimming party. The only problem is I will have to do it on a Sunday and I don't have free Sunday until the 14th. Next week I'm going to Charlotte with Brit and the gang to look at brides maid dresses. I guess I could have a decorating party when we get back...I don't know. What should I do? I'm so particular about things I might be better off just doing it myself.

Well I've decided to get up off the couch and clean my house. I know, I know...it's a shock considering I've been sitting on my butt since Saturday night. But I think it's time, I smell something that isn't familiar and I must find it's source! Wish me luck!

Smash it.

2008-11-20T13:29:00.001-05:00

I've managed destroy the closest thing to perfect that I'll ever find. I don't understand why I let things get the best of me. Why I can't just enjoy things and roll with it. I'm guessing that I have some kind of unconscious need to sabotage myself.

I've always stood by the thought of "Don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answer to." Well I decided to go digging in what is otherwise a perfect situation and found a great big ol' pile of bull crap. So now what do I do. I am not the kind of person to let these things go. I can't just accept his explanation and move on. I have have to over analyze the thing to death and constantly re-hash it in my head. Every he doesn't respond to my texts or doesn't answer the phone I'm going to think he has someone else over there. No matter how hard I try I know me. I'm going to work myself into an obsessive tizzy and then I'll just blow the whole thing up.

I know it's easy for you to say..."well Jade, just calm down and take things slow." Hey, guess what? That ain't me! If you didn't know that already welcome to the show and thanks for playing. I've got some serious obsessive issues that no amount of therapy and/or medication has ever cured.

And then we have Daniel. I don't know why I can't let this boy go. He is absolutely NOTHING that I want in life. NOTHING. I miss him sometimes so much that it hurts and then I call him. And then we fight because he doesnt' get me and I dont' get him and I spend the whole next day trying to get him to speak to me again! I'll be glad when December 8th finally rolls around so we can go to this football game and get this darn thing over with! Cut it off, let it hurt, move on!

Now we come to Shane. Shane is a ghost from my past that rears his ugly head every so often. He shows up, screws with my head and then runs off to parts unknown for a few years. Shane is as close to a 'soul mate' that I think I have ever found. Which is what makes it sooo hard to just not respond to the texts. Shane also lives with his girlfriend of 2 years..forgot to mention that too huh? Well he keeps saying he wants out of the relationship but he has to know that I want him first. I don't want him. I don't want him screwing with me anymore. But then I hear his voice and I crumble. Why do I let these people do this to me and why do they do it? Why is it that people feel the need to mess with others sanity?

Pushing Daisies aka: The Greatest Show to grace my DVR in like forever!

2008-11-18T12:52:00.001-05:00

I don't watch much on ABC. Dancing with the Stars and Desperate Housewives has tainted their image in my mind. Therefore when they do have a gem of show I miss out on it. Somehow I have started receiving TV guide. I didn't subscribe it just started coming, in my name to my apartment. (It's no longer a small cute, fat Reader's Digest-esque book anymore either ps.) I didn't even realize it was the actual TV guide until I started reading them. They have great crosswords in the back btw.

So anyway, there was a fall preview in the first one I received so I got to find out what shows I wanted to record this season. I read about this kitschy little show called Pushing Daisies on ABC and it seemed like something I would like so I added it to my DVR list. I have all the episodes since the beginning of the season recorded and had yet to watch them, so yesterday I decided it was time. Now I'm kicking myself for not watching them sooner! Especially since Deidre (of Rock 92 morning show fame) mentioned that it is getting the boot after this season! I haven't been this upset since I found out they cancelled "My So Called Life"!

Pushing Daisies is brought to us from the writer of "Dead Like Me" another WONDERFUL show that was canceled way before it's time. Last season was the first season and according to Wikipedia this season ends with a HUGE cliffhanger involving a main character. Shows can't just end like this! It was even were nominated for 10 Emmy's and won 3 at this past Emmy awards! So why the heck are they cancelling this show?

Another reason I love Pushing Daisies is Kristin Chenowith plays Olive Snook on the show and btw was nominated for an Emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy series. For those of you who don't know, Chenowith is a stage actress most notably known for her work as Glinda the Good Witch in the Broadway production of "Wicked". She is an amazingly animated actress that makes the character she plays come to life!

I can't possibly do the description of this show justice so I will include an introduction by ABC.

The Glamorous life of Bartending...

2008-11-15T14:00:00.001-05:00

(I wrote this several years ago but I love it so much I reposted.)

Back when I was single I noticed that when a guy found out that I was a bartender his attraction to me increased by about 30%. I usually left the bar with at least 2 numbers from random dudes sticking them in the tip jar or writing their number on the credit card receipt. This has always puzzled me and the only conclusion I can come to is that he thought he would get free drinks. Or the guys at the bar must have failed miserably with all the other chicks who aren't wearing a tuxedo shirt and black dockers and thought "well, she was sure nice to me all night. Maybe she likes me."

All the little servers wanna be bartenders, too. Thats all I hear from the kids at the restaurant. "How did you become a bartender? Did you have to go to school for it? Will you teach me?" Look kids, its really not all its cracked up to be. When a server takes a drink order at the table, let's say for a Margarita, a Sex on the Beach, a Pina Colada and a Guiness Draught, all they do is walk to the computer, type in the order and go run food...flirt with the cooks...clean some tables...text message their boyfriends...smoke in the bathroom, whatever. But that order then goes to the bartenders to make. Those are four COMPLETELY different drinks that are ALL step intensive. You are lookin' at a good two minutes of turn around.

Now say you are the bartender and you take that same drink order from a group that just sat at the bar. They are sitting right in front of you so they are watching you make it and telling you that their mom's second cousin is a bartender and he makes margarita's with a splash of orange juice and they really wished I woulda made it like that, meanwhile showing you pictures of their brother-in-laws dog who just had surgery on his anus. At that same time that you are smiling and acting like you care, you also have to make the servers drinks that rang in some ridiculous shot that no one has ever heard of but some douchebag at their table heard once at a bar in jersey and is trying to impress his date. Then a wide eyed food runner comes walking out of the kitchen and just stands in front of you with arms loaded down with food mouthing the words "where's seat 10" with a mixed look of fear and too much eyeliner. While all this is going on some butt-munch walks in and wants a $2.50 beer and hands you a $100 and you know you don't have the change but the manager is at the host stand attempting to be witty with the 16 year olds he's hired to boost his ego. About this time a server brings you a chocolate martini that you made half an hour ago and says the customer wanted an apple martini instead however they didn't realize what they had until they drank half of it. Then your regular at the end of bar yells for another round of whiskey and pabst blue ribbon for his buddies and while yer at it let him get a look at those 'big ol titties'. By this time a hostess has come to inform you that there is a To Go order waiting on line one and you look up to see your ex boyfriend walk in with a 5'10" blue eyed blonde with brand new boobs and Gucci bag.

Still want my job?

The Four Agreements

2008-11-15T13:52:00.002-05:00

I've been in a weird place lately. A place I don't like to visit much less live, but somehow I always end up here. My life tends to cycle in and out of this place. I go through extreme highs where I feel like nothing can go wrong and all lifes problems are easily solved. Then, someone can say something as simple as "Your hair looked better long", and all of the sudden I'm second guessing every decision I've ever made.

I'm probably the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I'm pretty sure that comes from my inate ability to make sure all my bases are covered. I refuse to make any decision unless I think about it from every single angle. I think through the possible outcomes from any action I may or may not take. I worry about others feelings far and above my own. I have infinite empathy and very little self value, therefore I will always sacrifice myself for the good of others. Not many people relize this about me. Most of my sacrificing is done silently as to not alert the beneficiary. I don't give of myself out of glory; I do it for the harmony of life. If I take one for the team, the team prospers not the individual.

I value friendship above all else. It is very hard for me to let people into my sacred circle that I call 'best friends'. All of my friends are 'best' or they wouldn't be my friend at all. But there are a few people who I consider close enough to give my life for. My 'online friend' Amanda summed this up as "Core Friendships" in her latest blog. Here is an excerpt from that particular blog:

"There are only a few people in my life who really understand the meaning of friendship. People who truly care about you and your existence. People who know you, go beyond stupid formalities, and don't force feed you bullshit on a daily basis. People who actually care that you had a bad day, or know the names of your family members. People who aren't wrapped up in money, or perceived importance. People who relish personal history, and don't think about what they can get from you. People who are honest, tell you the truth, and are thankful for you. They remember your birthday, and have private jokes. These people are what you call your CORE- and they are sometimes all you have. Cherish them, love them, and tell them you care- because real friends are hard to come by- and are a diamond in the rough."

I simply could not have said that better myself so I had to quote her. I value friendship from those that are willing to give it. Please don't use my needs against me. If I let you into my heart and mind, don't abuse that priviledge. You are only hurting yourself in the long run and it's the long run that counts.

I've learned to try and take things one day at a time. The less I obsess, the more I enjoy my day to day grind. I don't care for people that rush my process and I certainly do my best work at my own pace. Yes, it makes for a late start at times and can sometimes be misconstrued as lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm deep. "I'm living in the left hand lane of my city, slow down and let me walk this highway with you." ~The Waifs

Patience goes hand in hand with this new lease on life. I've always had a hard time with that. I want what I want when I want it and have a tendency to dive head first into a situation with no regard for anyone elses feelings much less my own. That has stopped abruptly as of late. Not because I made a conscious decision to do so, but I was forced to. Axl Rose may be an idiot but he can write the heck out of some lyrics.

"I've been walkin' the streets to night
just trying to get it right
it's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd
And the streets don't change, but maybe the names
I ain't got time for this game
'Cause I need you" ~GnR

I'm not by any means saying I'm perfect. I am flawed extensively and have the scars to prove it. I tend to give better advice than I accept. I try to practice what I preach but I can't always let go of my pride. I am powerless to control others actions and feelings towards me. I know this, but I can't seem to accept it as truth. I preach my gospel and don't understand why others don't flock to me. Duh. I don't walk my own talk.

I will leave you with The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz

To Quote Henry Rollins....

2008-11-15T13:52:00.001-05:00

So lately I've been getting a lot of flak for my lifestyle from people who don't even know me. But then again, can you ever really 'know' someone. I barely know myself most of the time. But that is another blog for another day...

Lets start with the basics. Everybody Lies. Not only is that a fabulous "House M.D." reference, it's a motto for life. If you just go ahead and accept that the majority of the people you meet in your life will feed you a certain amount of bullcrap with a side order of truth, then you will live a much less stressful existence. My friend Ian said it best in a blog of his at the end of March entitled "The Libido's Red Flags":

"MySpace and other social networking have their own particular red flags. If someone goes on at length about how much she HATES LIARS, I'm turned off, not because I consider myself a liar (except in the professional sense) or think that prevarication should be embraced as a way of life, but because it seems stupid and unimaginative to waste time posting such a cliché and useless prohibition. Do those women really think that the liars of the world are going to say "oh, she hates my type, I better not email her or send her a friend request!" And the women who feel the need to talk about how much they hate drama, especially in ALL CAPS, are all too often prone to drama themselves, and are blaming the self-created emotional turbulence of their romantic lives on other people."

This seriously struck home for me. No, I do not always tell the truth. No, I am not always forth coming with every detail of my life for the whole world to know. It's basically no one's business but my own. I also tend to think that sometimes people ask questions that they really don't want to know the answer to. A few years ago I asked several questions and quickly realized I did not want to know the answers that I faced. I learned right then and there, ignorance is bliss and I will never ask a question that I really don't want to know the answer to. My life has been a lot less painful and a lot more productive once I learned to stop asking questions and just go with the flow. Some things are just better left unsaid and if someone lies to you because you didn't have the good sense to protect your own heart, count it a blessing.

Especially in this cyber world we call MySpace! This place that we hang out in is not reality. From time to time I've fallen victim to the hype myself, but if you take the time to step back and look at things rationally you realize that it is all just silly. People get so worked up about the most ridiculous things. Just because someone leaves a comment on your friends page, it doesn't mean they are madly in love and are going to run off to Mexico and have babies! I personally like to leave comments that are inside jokes between me and the person I'm commenting on. They are 'inside' jokes because they are between us and us alone. If some psychotic lunatic reads it an suddenly starts crying over spilt milk, it really isn't my concern.

On to the next subject, playing the victim. I personally am way to strong and have way too much self worth to fall for the 'victim' mentality. I try to always take responsibility for my own actions and not blame my misfortune on others. You have to accept that you are powerless over the way others treat you or react to you. We slip easily into victim mentality when we we try to get exactly what we want in less than ideal circumstances and when we can't, we allow ourselves to be trapped in no-win choices. Often, we aren't even willing to consider any choice other than the ideal choice. When we are in victim mentality, we don't see the range of choices we have and we wallow in resentment. We feel helpless. In order to eliminate our victim mentality, you must accept the reality of the situation instead of trying to achieve the ideal. Find the best choice available within the reality of the circumstances and then accept that choice instead of resenting it.

When you play the victim you are making someone else the abuser and often that person does not deserve your hostility. When we don't get what we want, we tend to blame others rather than looking in the mirror at our own faults. And sometimes, no one is at fault. Sometimes, just because you want something to be true doesn't mean it is. Not everyone is what they say they are and not everyone wants what you think they should want. If someone doesn't want you, you can't bully them or guilt them into it.

Life is fluid. Learn to ride the waves.

The New Face of Rocks

2008-11-15T00:01:00.002-05:00

I have re-vamped my blog for your reading pleasure. I have new interests, new about me's and a new name.

So I'll introduce myself for the new readers.

Hi, I'm Jade aka: Jade Rocks...get it?

I'm a bartender and a perpetual student. I'm not ready to grow up and I'm not ready to give up. I eat what I want and say what I mean. Some of my posts might offend you. If they do, then argue with me. I love banter, especially of the intelligent kind. I love to write but I'm not super great with my grammar so don't bust my chops. I will always use contractions correctly and spell to the best of my spell check ability.

And yes, Jade is my real name. And no, I won't tell you where I work. It's hard enough out there without having stalkers!

So stay tuned and I'll surely entertain you....

"Come on Home Girl" he said with a smile...

2008-04-22T10:22:00.000-04:00

If you've never experienced this, you haven't lived. Everytime I watch this scene I get a flutter in the pit of my stomach and my knees go weak. That feeling of standing there, right frickin' there when the drums start....the bass line drops...and he the lights come up.... wow. Then having your 'musician' give you sly little looks off the side of the stage....priceless. Absolutely priceless.

I'm sure it doesn't compare to the rush of actually being out there. I'm sure it's all pretty lame to an actual musician, but to the little country girl from Gibsonville, it's the world.

By musician, I don't mean the guys that sit around and play guitar with their buddies when they are drunk. I mean the 'working' musicians. The guy on the stage. The guy that flirts with the song he wrote years ago for some other girl. The guy that undressed you with his eyes while banging out his heart and soul on the keyboard. The guy that is pouring is every breath into making you feel his passion. The guy that knows what it feels like to be "Almost Famous".

Of course, I saw Almost Famous way after I had made my rounds with the band dudes. I'm pretty sure I was done with them by this time as well. But this scene, totally reminded me of the life. Of the rush. Of the passion. Of the intensity. Of the mistaken lust for love.

All women are attracted to musicians, but not all women can pull the musicians. It takes a certain kind of girl to get their attention. To really get their attention. They can tell the groupies from the 'band aids' so to speak. They know when she is really there for the music, at least in the beginning.

It's the passion. We are attracted to passion and the swagger. Guys on stage have this unmistakable confidence that just makes them hot even if they are 5'4" and four sheets to the wind. It's an insane thing that comes over us when we hear him sing our favorite song or watch him work the room. You know, you simply know that he has to have something or know something that no one else does. You must make him yours.

Then, you do. And you spend the rest of your relationship worried that any and every other girl in the room from now on wants your man the way you did. And you correct. And there will always be some girl that is prettier, sluttier, funnier, smarter, and cooler than you gunning for him. She will pull every trick in the book and she will succeed....just like you did.

And it's not his fault. He is simply living his dream. He is simply riding the waves. He likes you just fine. There is nothing wrong with you, but he lives in a world where relationships and monogamy don't seem to mix. Where sobriety is a myth and your every wish can be granted at the snap of a finger or ink on a rider. He is the rock star; you will always come in second place. Always.

You can try and Yoko the situation. You can try and tame him. You can try and keep him at bay. But eventually, you will be mother rather than a lover to him and he will resent you with every word out of your mouth.

And so it ends.

And you find yourself at another show, with another wink from another drummer or lead singer...and you fall one more time.

Eventually, we grow up. Eventually we figure out that we can't be the one. We will never be the one. And there was always some other girl that broke his heart and made them want to be free.

So you stop going to shows. You stop working in bars. You stop dressing in leather and spandex. You meet a respectable man with a 'grown up' job and you settle into a normal life. Then something happens to remind you of the good ol' days. Something unmistakeable. Maybe its a song. Maybe its a movie. Maybe its an actual musician. But something reminds you of that feeling and you lose your frickin' mind all over again....

"It's all happening..."

Very cool quiz

2008-01-11T22:21:00.001-05:00

87% Barack Obama
86% John Edwards
85% Hillary Clinton
82% Chris Dodd
80% Mike Gravel
77% Dennis Kucinich
77% Joe Biden
73% Bill Richardson
49% Rudy Giuliani
41% John McCain
33% Mike Huckabee
32% Mitt Romney
24% Tom Tancredo
18% Ron Paul
18% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

Online delimmas.

2007-10-19T18:53:00.000-04:00

Three online dilemma’s...What is the etiquette here?
I have three things presently bothering me online. I am presenting them to you guys to see if you have a solution for me.

1. There is a girl who lately has been making strides to be my friend. I know this girl through my boyfriend and I just don't know if she is genuine. He tells me that she used to call him weekly and once held a considerable crush on him. She also is on again off again bff's with his ex-fiance. It seems as though every time they are off again she pops up and wants to hang out. Do I trust this? My bf has told me that she has told him to leave me before because I was no good for him and only upset him. But of course we all know Eric isn't known for his trust worthy-ness. This particular girl has always been very nice to me in person and seems to be genuine but you never know if you should trust a woman or not. I don't want to get all buddy buddy with someone and let them into my life only to have them sell trade secrets to the enemy or use me to get to my boyfriend. (truth be told I might not mind the latter.) She has asked me to work out with her, like at the walking park and have lunch with her. Should I?

2. My second dilemma really is just more of a gripe. There is a girl who is on my page that constantly puts down or belittles anything that I like. But she continually makes attempts and hanging out with me or friendship. I don't understand why this girl would want to be my friend if she finds everything about me to suck. I don't know why I haven't deleted her. I think I just enjoy the abuse.

3. My third situation is something of a touchy nature. I have a tendency to get bored and want to mess with people and this is a bit tempting but I know it might hurt some people as well. Awhile ago this random guy sent me a message asking to be friends. I looked at his page and he seemed relatively harmless. He has a girlfriend and seems to like the same things I do. Other than being overly athletic and adventurous, I think we could be friends. I've always had guy friends so it's not really a big deal. He lives in W-S too so I thought we could be friends. We exchanged a few emails and after I gave him my standard speech about not knowing anything about W-S and looking for places to hang out, he stopped responding. I figured I probably scared the dude with my overwhelming neediness and he just decided to stay away from me. No biggy, I'm used to it.

So yesterday I got a message from him asking if I was looking for "some fun on the side". What the? So I sent him something back asking him which side because I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to be hilarious. But then I starting looking at his page and his gf's page and saw a blog she had posted. It talked about how he had just had a 'heart procedure' and that she didn't realize how much she could care about someone and how in love with him she is. She said, and I quote "Until now, I didn't know that it was possible to care this much about someone. If anything were to ever happen to him, I would be completely helpless and lost. I am completely, hopelessly devoted, and in love with this man. I can't imagine my life without him and I don't know where I would go, what I would do, or who I would turn to". So do I tell her about what he said only one day after her having posted this? I would want to know if the man I'm 'hopelessly devoted' to were looking for some 'fun on the side'. Plus homeboy has no idea that I'm not really as attractive as my myspace would suggest. But that is beside the point. I know by forwarding this message to the girl it would only cause problems for them and he would spin something to make it seem like I had doctored things, but this girl is only being set up for disaster down the road. This dude obviously has no intention of being faithful to this girl and I think she should know before she seriously gets hurt. What do ya'll think?

The Pursuit of a 'Good Man'

2007-10-01T00:29:00.001-04:00

She thought she had a 'Good Man' until she moved in with him and his age and inexperience exposed him. She still tried to salvage the 'Good' but the damage was done. Irresponsibility, does not a 'Good Man' make.

And she thought she had a 'Good Man' until his lying and cheating were leaked by the accomplice. Every time she looks at him she sees 'Doubt' printed on his forehead, but continues to remember the 'Good' times. The 'Good Man' is now rebuilding his credibility...does that make him 'Damaged Man' now?

I often hear women say they just wish they could find a 'Good Man'. Maybe they need to work on their idea of 'Good'. Does this ideal of a 'Good Man' exist? If he does, is he stuck in a loveless relationship because in being 'Good' he doesn't abandon his responsibilities? Does the 'Good' in him get confused for friendship, therefore never creating a romantic spark?

I have never had a 'Good Man'. I have met a few, but they all expose their flaws eventually. Perfection isn't essential in the pursuit of 'Good', but integrity, responsibility and honesty are. Whenever I find my personal ideal of the 'Good', he doesn't want me. So in essence, he can't be a 'Good Man', can he? I mean who wouldn't want me? Not me per se, but the collective me; Women. A 'Good Man' would want me for me and love me for me. I would be enough for a 'Good Man'. He would satify me emotionally and physically. He would compliment my idiosyncrasies, and understand my eccentricities. He would be witty and smart. He would be loving and empathetic. I would be completly smitten by him and never want for another. He would be my 'Good Man' and I would cherish him with all the love in my heart.

The one (or ten) that got away...

2007-09-13T01:45:00.000-04:00

I'm in a wonderful relationship. I'm very happy and could never think of ruining it or leaving. But every once in a great while I think of the relationships that never were, for one reason or another.

I often day dream about what might have happened if... But you know if, "if" had happened, I might not be the person I am today and that person is who I want to be. Occasionally I stumble upon someone or something that reminds me of one of these key people and I get overwhelmed with nostalgia. The absolute worst is when they actually contact me and completely fall into a daydream with them. We reminesce and talk about the good old days, and by the end of the conversation I've fallen for them all over again.

Either I wasn't ready or they weren't ready; or they had major baggage that needed to be unpacked and by the time they off loaded I'd moved on. There are a few people in my life that really touched me. They messed my head and heart up so much that they will permanently remain in both. But for some reason or another we just could get our lives in a parallel tract.

Do you think that happened on purpose?
Do you think we were never meant to be?
Do you think I wanted it more than you did?
Do you think about me as often I as I do you?

Day 2: I sure wish I could take out my contacts and clean them.

2007-09-09T16:32:00.001-04:00

So It's been two days since I got the surgery and I must say it really feels like I have a pair of dry contacts in. My vision is the same as that also. I basically have hazy tunnel vision that I can see out of and blurry peripheral. I have the halos at night but they aren't any worse than glare from my glasses. I called the doctor to find out if this was normal and was assured that it was. They told me that the haziness is from the drops and will clear up in about a week. I'm supposed to make an appointment to come in one day next week for a follow up visit. I can't get there until Tuesday.

I have been putting my drops in every four hours like I'm supposed to and they give me a really awful metallic taste in my mouth that nothing gets rid of. The plus side of that is I'm not really eating all that much because it tastes like crap.

I just don't understand why of all the people I've met that have had this procedure none of them have told me about any of this stuff. I even know people who went to the same place as me. Did this procedure just not work for me or am I being a big baby? I guess I'm just to the point of wait and see. But for all the aggrivation I find myself just wishing that I was fighting with my contacts. At least then I could take them out when they bothered me. Hopefully I will get some more insight into all of these annoyances at my doctor visit.

Post-Op Chunky Eyeballs

2007-09-07T20:01:00.001-04:00

Well today was the day of the lasik surgery. Just six hours ago I was majorly nearsighted and now I never have to wear glasses or contacts again. So many people asked me to let them know how it was because they really want to get it. Well I'm not the kinda girl to water things down so I'm gonna give it to you straight. Here we go.

Now you know I had the bad customer service experience with these people when I first went for my consultation. Since then I've talked to them on the phone three times and every time they have been pleasant and attentive. I called them when ever I had a question and they calmed my nerves. So that is a plus in their column. So today my boyfriend drove me there in his usual grumpy and uncaring manner. He wants me to tell him what to do at every turn because he doesnt' know how to be a caring and considerate boyfriend that is just there for me rather than the douchebag that only thinks of himself. But that is another story or another day...

So we get there and my Mom and Travis (my brother) are right behind us pulling in but seem to not see the huge building proclaiming itself as Selkin Eye Center and drive right past it. They also don't see me standing in the parking lot waving my hands like and idiot. So I have to chase them out to the road and get their attention so that my brother doesn't drive into the great mess that is Elam Ave again.

After all that stress, we go in and they have me fill out paperwork and escort me into the same room that I sat in for my consultation. I sat there for a very long time and then finally the girl that rushed me through before came in and asked me which form of Lasik I wanted. Apparently they offer two kinds plus something called PRK. PRK uses drops to desolve the flap of skin over the eye and Lasik is where they cut the flap. PRK takes four days of downtime and Lasik only takes a day. I choose the Lasik and then I get a choice of the basic package which is $699 per eye and the custom package which is $1699 per eye. Well my mom is paying of this so the lady goes and gets her. She talks my mom into the deluxe in like 32 seconds. The crazy thing is my Mom knows people that went to the same place they specifically told her that they will try and talk you into the more expensive package but you don't need it. But apparently what they didn't know was that my eyesight is so bad I need the deluxe version. They said that there is always a possibility of touch up needed after the procedure and with the basic package it is way more likely considering my prescription. A touch up with the basic package is $699 per eye again and with the deluxe is $150 per eye. Plus I get free visits to the office for a year so that can monitor my progress and check my vision frequently. Plus the chances of having halos and glare with nighttime driving is very low.

So once all that is out of the way they give me this blue surgical bonnet to put on and put me in a waiting room with other people wearing the same get up. There is a family of three people ahead of me, a guy and two women. The guy is about my age and pretty ghetto and the two women appear to be his mom and aunt. One of them was in having the surgery done and the other two were waiting. They told me that the one that was in there gets so freaked out about things she passes out. When she came out of the door she was like, "that was nothing", so it started to calm my fears. Also, they had given me the ok to take a Klonopin so I about 2 minutes way from being completely zoned out.

I had to get up to get checked out by the doctor before the surgery so they can get my prescription and all so I got called back to do that. When I get back the guy is coming out of surgery and the nurse is ordering him to sit down. Apparently mr. tough guy got dizzy during surgery and almost had a panic attack. Great. That's what I needed to see. So they call me into the room and I actually meet Dr. Selkin. He looks just like his pictures, which are everywhere. They lay me down on the reclining chair and talk to me in soothing voices. They tell me every step that they are doing and the first one is to put drops in my eyes that numb them. They burn like the dickens and I can't seem to open my eyes. I tell them this and they say "don't worry we will get them open"! And boy do they!

The nurse then taped one eye shut and pried open the other one with these torture device looking clamps which she then inserted into my eyesocket. That was uncomfortable. Then they tell me to stare at the green and red light directly above me. I'm freaking out at this point because I know they are about to cut me. The nurse has to hold open my eye in addition to the torture device and I hear the doctor say "suction" which send me into even farther panic mode because all I can think about is my eyeball being sucked out of it's socket. The nurse says, "you're gonna feel some pressure and everything will go black". She was right. It was very odd and extremely uncomfortable. I realized I wasn't breathing and tried to make myself take long, even breaths. All of the sudden the red and green light was present again and I the surgery begins. I can't really explain it but it was almost like someone was poking around inside a balloon. It feels like that looks. After all that poking, the Dr. does what can only be described at rubbing my eyeball with his finger. I really couldn't see but when I told him I majorly wanted to rub my eyes he said, "don't worry I'm doing it for you". Then they do the other eye and it actually hurts. It's a stinging feeling and the whole thing is majorly uncomfortable. I am clenched up and not breathing again. He tells me that most people frind the left eye to be more uncomfortable than the right. I am just wishing its over faster.

So when he is finally done, which is only about 3 minutes per eye but what seems like 20 minutes, they tell me sit up and put these goggle on me. I am wearing them now and I must say they aren't the most flattering thing in the world. I look like I should be playing raquetball player and they aren't the most comfortable thing in the world. I have to wear them for the rest of the day and all night. Then I have to sleep in them for the next week. This is to keep me from rubbing or scratching my eyes while they heal.

As soon as I got in the car on the drive home I couldn't keep my eyes open. The light was just too much. I kept them closed til I got home and in bed. I knew I was going to fall asleep so I had to put these thick drops in my eyes that they gave me to use before going to sleep. They stung too. I went to sleep for about 2 hours and woke up with the stickiest eyes ever! I wanted nothing more than to wipe them with a wet wash cloth but I can't take a shower or wet my eyes or face until tomorrow. I'm not allowed to wipe away any excess tears or goo. This sucks.

But the plus side to all this is I can see. Yes folks, it works. I couldn't imagine waking up and seeing. I still can't because my eyes were stuck together plus by wearing these goggles its like I have my glasses on. Things are still a bit hazy but I think that has something to do with the goggles being foggy. Things still aren't clear as a bell but hopefully tomorrow morning they will be. For all the aggrivations, I must say that the surgery is worth it. But don't let anyone tell you it was 'nothing' because it wasn't.

I wanna make you up! (as sung to the tune of the Color Me Badd one hit)

2007-08-27T15:09:00.001-04:00

As some of you know I *used* to do makeup for a living. I enjoyed making people feel good about themselves and helping them get out of their ridiculous eyeshadow addictions and horrible blush overdo's. I hated having to sell the makeup to them in that sleezy used car way though. That's why I loved wedding and prom makeovers because there was no pressure to make money. All I had to do was my art.

Well now I'm back to bartending and I miss making chicks feel good about themselves. And there is only so much I can do to myself considering I hate taking off makeup. I guess it's like cooking; I love to cook but I can't stand cleaning up after. Anyway, back to the subject at hand...

I just bought some new Bed Head pallettes and I sooooo want to try them out. So someone please call me so I can fix your face! Anybody?! I'll even do men, I was known for that at the snatcheral (my last place of employment).

The Tillers.

2007-08-16T22:02:00.001-04:00

Well Matilda has certainly grown up! She is now about 55lbs of pure muscle! And wide slap open!

She has eaten the couch I've had since I got my first apartment. It is now a wooden frame with cushions and sheets covering it. She has also eaten 3 remote controls and 2 pairs of glasses. Luckily I'm getting Lasic soon so she won't have anymore of those to chew on!

She also ate a feather bed we had in her crate. Here is the explosion of feathers that incurred!

Matilda has developed an intense love for the water hose and won't let any of us touch it. That hose is now her favorite toy, especially when a sprinker is hooked to the end of it! I bought her a slip n slide too but she ate it. Here are some pictures and I'll see if I can get some video up of her water fun!

Lasic Surgery is actual surgery right?

2007-08-16T14:28:00.001-04:00

I went to my consultation for Lasic Surgery today. I felt like I got herded through and rushed out the door. They didn't tell me anything but the date to show up and don't wear makeup! Are you kidding me? I'm not buying a sweater, I'm having a life changing operation! I know that they are used to this crap because its common place to them. But I've not been through and I don't know anything about it. I need hand holding and reassuring. They say they hold your hand through the experience in the brochure. They didn't so much as glance in my direction much less hold my hand.

I called the 1-800 number they gave me and complained. Yes, I'm that girl. They called me back within a few minutes and told me 100 times more than what they told me in the office. Literally I was there 15 minutes and half of that was in the waiting room! They told me I would have to wear goggles to sleep in for 10 nights and that I would most likely want to go to sleep after the procedure. It would have been nice to know that in my consultation. She also told me that my vision was correctable to 20/20. Something else that would have been nice to know.

I always rant and rave about poor customer service in the american public and this was it at its finest. It felt like I was having a script read to me, not a nurse explaining a surgery. I just think they need to realize that some people need more than a standard pitch. I'm gonna do the surgery, I just wish they were slightly more caring.

Get out of my head and into my pocket...

2007-08-15T13:32:00.001-04:00

The bottomless pit of the service industry.
Category: Food and Restaurants

I tend to have a rather low opinion of myself. I don't know if that has something to do with things that happened in my childhood or things that have continually happened throughout my life. But I can say with absolute certainty that the one thing in my life that I am good at is the service industry. Put me in any restaurant anywhere in the US and I can do it with little to no training.

It's almost automatic. I revert to my restaurant skills even at home or when I'm out to dinner. I'm constantly scanning the place for things being done wrong or things that should be attended to. Why? Why do I care if the slackers at Ruby Tuesday aren't paying attention to the guy across the aisle from me who has been out of tea for at least 15 minutes? Why do I care that there are 8 dirty tables and 12 servers standing up at the host stand goofing off?

I shouldn't care, it isn't affecting my tip or my restaurants reputation. But something has gotten inside of me and made me uncomfortable to be around mediocrity in the restaurant business. Frankly I'm sick of it. I just want to get out of this industry all together and have a normal job. A job where I get lunch breaks and health insurance. A job where I don't make $2.43 and hour and have to depend on tightwads to figure up how many of their pennies they are going to part with at the end of their meal. I want a job where I can take days off because I have a fever and still get paid for it. I want normal hours where I can actually be home when my boyfriend goes to bed and get up in the morning and make breakfast. I want a normal life.

And as a side note for those of you who aren't in the know...

Minimum wage for tipped employees was $2.13 and hour for as long as I can remember. Then, as luck would have a little less than a year ago the mimimum wage went up to $3.10 an hour. Oh what a glorius few months of paychecks that are almost large enough for a tank of gas. However, last week minimum wage for tipped employees went down again to $2.43. So all of you waitstaff and bartenders that got used to an actual paycheck, get ready for it to be cut again. Sorry guys, I guess tipped employees are again, two thirds of a person.

The do's and don'ts of patronizing your local bar.

2007-08-15T00:48:00.001-04:00

Although I didn't write this originally, I've been meaning to to write some more about this very subject. Please read it and learn, you non-restaurant people. We are giving you the keys to the kingdom here! ~Jade

Someone once pointed out to me the fact that there seems to be a micro-economy in the service industry. Restaurant workers take their tip money out to bars and clubs at night and give it to the bartenders, who promptly return it to the waiters and waitresses the next day at lunch. The cycle is almost self-sufficient and is mutually beneficial. Knowing the pain of waiting on customers, each group tips the other well and never raises a fuss. These people do not need to be educated. The rest of you do.

Many of us have stood in a noisy, crowded bar and asked, "What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?" Well, you're about to find out. Here are some Do's and Don'ts that will keep the relationship between the bartender and bar patron running smoothly.

DON'T...

1.Fail to have your money ready

We're waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule 1: Have your shit together. Not only will following Rule 1 get you served quicker in a bar, it's a good general rule to adopt in life and is especially helpful in Central American border crossing scenarios.

2.Whistle

This is an absolute No-No. You whistle at dogs, not people.

3.Wave money

Oh, you've got a dollar!! I'll be right over!! Hopefully I won't break an ankle in my fevered rush to get you your "curz lite." Well, at least you're not breaking the next rule.

4.Yell out the bartender's first name

There's something deeply psychologically disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That's one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartender's do too. Mine is MANTHUNDER.

5.Say "make it strong!" or "put a lot of liquor in it"

Oh, you're one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! When you say this, you're assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and you're assuming that I'll stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink.

6.Give the ever-expanding drink order

You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule 1.

7.Pull the redirect (or the bait 'n' switch)

Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, don't do that, okay? Chances are she's not ready, and your weak attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in 30 minutes.

8.Try the confused, lost look

This is usually accompanied by the question "What kind of beer y'all got?" while looking at all the beers we have. You did know you were in a bar, right? You didn't just appear here, did you? Refer to Rule 1.

9.Order High Maintenance shooters

Example: "Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop." Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but you'll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Here's a clue as to whether or not you're high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance you're high maintenance.

10.Assume we know you're in the band

We know, we know, you're gonna be really famous, but you're not there yet, tiger. Tell us you're in the band and which band you're in. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! It's not like we don't know how it is. Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.

11.Assume we know you period

Unless you've followed the first "Do" rule below, we don't remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that's invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell us what you want.

12.Apologize for sucking

Don't apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don't say "I'll get ya next time." We know all about you.

13.Assume soft drinks are free

Are they free at McDonald's? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth.

14.Put pennies and nickels in the tip jar

We don't want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We don't have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17?

15.Be "The Microbrew Aficionado"

Usually a pseudo-hippy who can't tip a quarter but can't bring himself to drink "schwag," and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. "Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest?" "Does Anyone?" Here's your Newcastle. Go.

16.Be "The Daddy Warbucks"

Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. We hate you.

17.Be a "Whiney Baby"

Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, don't argue; we've seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you "don't have one" or "forgot it," forget it; you don't belong out on the town in the first place. That's the law, plain and simple. If we don't have the law, the terrorists win. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? Bring your ID. Remember Rule 1, from a minute ago?

18.Don't tell me the bartender at the front bar hooks it up cheaper bullshit because if he did you wouldn't be at my bar gettin it from me! if you can't afford the drinks you are ordering then don't drink!

DO

1.Tip

Tip heavy right off the bat, and you're the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and you'll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks and the occasional free one.

2.Be patient

All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we'll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn't insulin we're passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you've got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.

3.Understand

we are human not machines we know you're there however you are not the only or most important one in the bar...

Things that suck and other aggrivates

2007-08-15T00:46:00.001-04:00

~ I'm really sick of seeing people who post pictures of their new tattoo's only to have them suck. If you know you didn't get quality work done or your tattoo looks like a blurry butterfly when it's supposed to be a bird, don't post it. We don't want to see your stupid mistake that will fade in about 3 months and you will spend the rest of your life telling people, "yea, man..I'm getting that covered up soon".

~ I also am sick of people that correct my grammar, spelling or whatever else they feel the need to correct. You aren't my mom and you aren't grading my papers so get the heck out of grill.

~ I'm also sick of religious freaks justifying their religious freakyness by quote bible scriptures. Look people, I grew up in the holiest of the holy and know your game. You can't justify what you are doing by spouting rules from a book that not everyone lives by. That's like justifying stealing by saying your imaginary friend told you to take it. I'm not knocking religion by any means. I'm just saying, your way isn't the only way so don't shove it my face. I refuse to believe that there is an entire country (India) of people going to Hell because they never accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and personal savior. God is different things to different people and whatever helps them find peace is fine with me. I should be fine to you too.

~ I'm sick of people telling my mom the goings on in my life because they happen to be a MySpace friend. Listen genius, if I wanted my mom to know what was happening in my life I would just tell her. I certainly wouldn't be looking for other outlets to spout my indescretions and revelations, now would I?

~ I am tired of being told to wake up earlier and go to bed sooner. What am I, 8? If I needed someone to control my sleep patterns I'd sign up for one of the studies at Bowman Gray. Back out of my bedroom.

~ Why must we have small talk? If I have nothing to say to you, I won't talk to you. I'm going to ask you how you've been and I'm not going to ask you what's going on new in your life. I don't care. And why do you care about me? Meaningful conversations are highly under rated and should be attepted more often.

~Timing sucks. I hate having to be somewhere at a certain time. I hate not being able to be somewhere when I want to. I hate that I can't immediately have what I want when I want it. I hate that I spent my life looking for something that right in front of me all along. I hate that you have been out of my life for longer than you have been in it. I hate that I can't run away with you.

~Being out of the loops just blows. Don't you hate it when you read someones blog and you have no idea what they are talking about but you hope upon hope it's about you? Yea, me too.

I'm getting to old for this...

2007-08-02T15:19:00.000-04:00

So I've come to the conclusion that Eric may actually be right about something. As much as it pains me to say it, I think he has the right idea about friendships and people in general. You see Eric has no close friends. It isn't really due to lack of people asking him to do things or whatnot. I used to think it was because he is a douche and no one wants him around. But having been with him two years now, I've noticed that guys at work are constantly trying to get him to do things with them. They ask him to play golf, go to races, all kinds of stuff. But he just blows them off. I realize why now.

You can't count on anyone. Ever. All you have in this life is yourself and if you put yourself out there then you will get hurt. It is a fact. When you make every effort to invite people into your world all you get in return is $250 worth of food and liquor that will never get eaten or drank, you learn to just let people go. When you spend hours thinking of clever things to name drinks for your so called 'friends' and they don't have the decency to call you and let you know they can't make it...you learn to dismiss them.

I have recently discovered that there are only a few 'true' people in this world. Only a very slight group that will do what they say and say what they mean. Those people are the people you want in your life. It is also important to note that those people happen to also be my age or close to it.

You see, I've been living my life like I'm still a kid. I've been trying to compete with the 20 year olds and trying to befriend them. I've recently come to the conclusion that I have more in common with their parents then them. Although I'm still in college, I need to realize that I'm not a kid. I'm an adult in a childs world and need to act accordingly. I keep trying to recreate the 'good old days' and well, they were just that, the old days.

I never thought that turning 30 would catapult me into some sort of life changing mindset. But now I know, I'm an adult and should surround myself with like minded people. My goals no longer consist of where I'm going out this weekend or how am I getting home after. They are much deeper and much more grounded in reality. You come to discover that it's not who can drink the most or who can be the loudest drunk, but who will be there when the dust settles that matters.

I'm grateful to have the few true friends that I've got. To the rest of you, I hope one day you find your peace and grow up.

GOOD LORD!

2007-06-28T23:29:00.001-04:00

I haven't been here in awhile and it apparently shows! I just tried to log in and was all but accosted by my screen! Apparently I hadn't registered my google account but thought that I had or that I just would automatically be able to get in because I have a google account and it had it saved. WRONG! I liked this site because it was easy and all of the sudden it's turned into hoop jumping! What the?

All I wanted for Christmas was a puppy!

2006-12-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

And I got one!

Introducing.....

Matilda Beatrice Devine

Matilda's father was a champion English Bulldog weighing in at a whopping 95lbs! Unfortunately he passed away in August. Her mother is an AKC register American Pit Bull Terrier that is approximately 75lbs.

Matilda is barely 13 weeks old and almost 20lbs herself! She is super sweet and very timid. She is just getting used to us as she has been kept in an outdoor kennel with 20 other breeding dogs!

She has the prettiest green eyes and the saddest little face. She shivered in my lap the long drive home from Randleman.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why do they eat each other?

2006-12-08T01:28:00.000-05:00

I was just wondering about a few things and thought I might run them by the masses...

Do you think that the real deer see all the brightly lit 'moving' reindeer and think they are ghosts?

Why do strangers always tell you to smile? What gives them the right to tell me what to do with my face? Since they have taken the liberty to tell me to change my expression, can I tell them that they really do look fat in those jeans?

If there is life on other planets why do they only reveal themselves to lowest dregs of society? You never hear a stockbroker or a senator talking about how they got anal probed by little green people.

If heat rises, why is it hotter in the south?

Who decides that it is now time to bring back link belts and leggings? Why can't we come up with some new fashions instead of recycling the same old crap that only looked good on 1% of the population in the first place?

Why in the world would someone look at a tiny newborn and decide to name it Larry or Agnes? And what are we gonna do in 50 years when we have a bunch of old women named Brittney and Taylor? Can you imagine taking your kids to see grandma Brittney? What the?

Why is it that if I want to go to the tanning bed I have to hear from everybody on the planet how bad 'those things are for me' while they are chain smoking and slamming shots of jager?

Why is it that every single 13-17 year old I've come in contact with wears black eyeliner and strategically ripped jeans while constantly taking pictures of themselves making sad faces to post on MySpace? When did being sad and not knowing how to properly apply makeup become hip?

Why do people with plain names that end in 'y' change it to an 'i'? That doesn't make you cute, it just makes you desperate for some sense of individuality. You're parents named you something boring, we all know they didn't spell it stupid like that. And if they did, why? Spell kids names normal so people won't screw them up on EVERYTHING. Take it from someone name CARLYE JADE not CARLYLE JANE.

These are just a few of the things I've been wondering about in my fits of depression mixed with new medication paranoia.

Ruining weddings and other things I'm scared of...

2006-11-29T00:45:00.000-05:00

I need to lose 40 lbs for my health and my sanity. We all know i've said this before but I've also done this before and can do it again with the help of my trusty WW. I'm up to 205lbs folks and its startin' to show in my jowls and that ain't cool.

Losing the weight isn't the problem, the problem is if I lose the weight I'll ruin April's wedding. I know this sound ridiculous to even say aloud. Why would one of my best friends not want me to look my best for her wedding and improve my health at the same time?

Well, because I've already been fitted for and ordered the dress and the darn thing can only be taken in two sizes. The wedding isn't until the end of April (I know, April's getting hitched in April...how cute.) I can lose 50lbs in 16 weeks if I put my mind to it and mom has already said she is going to get me a Suddenly Slender package to tighten up the skin this go round so I won't look like an empty sack of flesh naked. (nice visual eh?) But what am I gonna do?

Do I go ahead with my newly found motivation and lose the darn weight and just kinda hope we can find someone to make the dress fit me? Or do I just wait it out and start after the wedding? I can't do that either because I'm in Kelly's wedding in June! Geez people, will ya quit with the marrying already! Just live together, its cheaper when ya break up!

Back to me... I'm growing at astronomical proportions here and I have to get a grip on this because I have too many cute clothes to gain anymore weight, dang it! Plus I can't wear my sexy crap anymore because I end up looking like the trailer princess who fell out of her mustang on the way to Arizona Petes Country Western Bar! Just say no to Muffin Tops!

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on FIIIRREE!

2006-11-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

There is something very unsettling about turning on your tv expecting to see Oprah but instead seeing all your memories up in flames. My High School is presently on fire. Apparently the chemistry lab exploded at approximately 2:20pm today. They keep reiterating that no one was hurt or even in the particular classroom that caught fire, but I tend to think that is to settle down the masses. Not that I assume anyone is hurt, I just find it odd that they would keep repeating it.

Yet another sign that my life has changed course. I no longer am that girl. My childhood is burning to ashes in a fire that appears to be uncontrollable.

I wonder if the fire knows that it is doing this for me?

I wonder if it realizes that in all actuality this fire is reaffirming the fact that nothing lasts forever and resistance to that is futile.

I feel so...

2006-11-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

I don't know..

whats the word...

out of place?

Misplaced?

insignificant?

under-appreciated?

left-behind?

I don't know...

But the weird thing is that I really am not freaking out about it. I'm just like, oh well. Whatever. Normally I would be all frantic and flippin out. But for some reason I'm just noticing and feeling these feelings but it's almost like I'm looking through a wall at it happening to someone else.

I guess its the medication. It must be the medication. Its calmed the paranoia but made the anger worse. Much, much, much worse. I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself or someone else very soon. But yet, they can't seem to come up with the funds to allow me to have counseling. Hmmm. Weird, considering I get $350 worth of medication every month for only $50. Yet they don't have funding for me to see a therapist about my rage issues? So I'm on a waiting list. I shall wait.

You know you are an adult when...And other things I thought I'd never say.

2006-10-27T02:17:00.000-04:00

my back is on fire...
You know I've always heard that people with big boobs have back problems. I've never experienced that until the past year and I've had these knockers for what seems like a decade...oh wait...it has been.

So I got a Dyson from my honey for Christmas. Not just any Dyson mind you but a PINK Dyson. The one that is for Breast Cancer Awareness. I got it early because there was only one left and it was $200 off the original price and I called my honey in a fit of joy and disbelief. He told me to put it my cart and said Merry Christmas. You know you are finally a grown up when you get excited over a vacuum cleaner!

Well this is the big weekend. I just finished making 100 jello shots and that isn't even half of them! It's 2:08am and I have class at 9am. I'm going to be doing legal research in the law library at Wake until noon. Then I have to rush to Costco to pick up the fruit and juice for the pj. By the time I get home I'll about 2 hours to clean the house before I have to go to work. Then when I get off work, i'll finish the rest of the jello shots and soak the fruit in the liquor. Tomie should be at the house by then and we will work out a game plan for this god-forsaken shindig.

These people better have the most fun of their fricken lives at this darn thing or I'm gonna kill em!

I'm having a Ball!

2006-10-06T16:07:00.000-04:00

Well I've got Bronchitis.
So I'm stuck in the house.

Along with this house stuckage comes the wonderful planning of a Halloween Party! It originally was my friend T's party but she has to move from her current location prior to the party date so my loving, yet stubborn boyfriend has grudgingly agreed to let her have it here.

This thing has taken on a life of its on, mainly due to the fact that my insanity has gone into overdrive and is now on autopilot in the party planning department of my brain. It's a welcomed change from the doldrums that usually inhabit the annals of my minds hallowed halls so I'm not complaining.

But as some of you have seen, I'm a natural born promoter and I've started pushing this thing with a ferver like this town has never seen! I'm may just end up with a mess on my hands and I haven't even asked off for work yet. Oops. But I didn't think it would be a good idea to do that since I've been out of work all week with a bronchial infection. I don't want to say, "oh and by the way, I'm gonna need the 28th and 29th off for a massive party in my backyard that most of the staff is probably gonna try and ask off for too, k thanks." So I thought I would just ease myself into that one. I'm not too worried about the staff asking off for that Saturday night, I'm mainly worried for them all calling in the next day from ghoulish hangovers. =/

But none the less, this is gonna be legendary and I've got some spooky surprises already planned. I want to ask ya'll for any tips to cheaply decorating and creating spooky scares in the backyard. Oh did I mention its an outdoors event for the most part? Also the event is called The Monster's Ball '06. So you can kinda see the theme. My house is nestled in a slope and there is a creek running next to the entrance to the basement. The basement is pretty much the only inside part of the party.

In our basement we have a billards table, a professional dart board, and a 'game of skill' slot machine. There is also a corner with a tv and some seating that will eventually be a bar. Off from that area is a home theatre with a wide screen HDTV and surround sound and lots of comfy couch seating. I think I will probably play Halloween themed movies on that all night.

Ok any suggestions beyond that?

Apparently my cootie shot wore off...

2006-10-05T13:36:00.000-04:00

So Parlancheq tagged me with these ridiculous meme's. (What does that even mean?) And I guess since I've just left the drs. office with contagious diagnosis of bronchitis, sinusitis and some other itis that I can't remember, then I have plenty of time on my hands. I can't return to work until Saturday and we are officially on fall break at school so I have nothing due until Wednesday of next week. So here goes the taggin' and the meme-in'.

The Work Meme

1. What is the best thing about your workplace?

Let's see here...
The best thing about my workplace is that I'm bartending again. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I started grabbing those bottles and throwing around those tumblers. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten back into my continuous rhythm yet so I drop alot of said bottles and tumblers. Oh well. I'm workin' on it.

2. What do you hate about your workplace?

I hate the fact that the bar is so un-user friendly. There is no storage, no work space, no space to move around, no set place to put anything, etc. However, it is beautiful. This seems to be a metaphor for life, most things that are beautiful will always seem to win out over function and longevity. Remember that kids, strive to be Barbie, not Martha Stewart. Barbie drives a corvette, Martha got locked in the slammer and her family hates her.

3. What small irritance at your workplace really annoys you?

The fact that you have to go all the way to walk in cooler to get creamer for coffee instead of them just icing down a 1/4 pan and droppin in a container of half and half. I don't know why they don't want to do this but it really seems the simplest solution to the creamer issue. Work smart, not hard people.

4. Describe the actions/quirks of the weirdest person you work with (can be a co-worker, employer, or a vendor if you are self-employed).

I agree with Parlancheq, I hear on a daily basis from co-workers "you are so weird".

5. What is one thing that you would change at your workplace to make life a helluva lot better?

I would make them all listen to me and do as I say. Wouldn't that make every job better?

Now I tag these 5 bloggers who hopefully will forgive me for doing so:
(I don't know how to make these fancy click on links like Parlancheq so I hop eyou people still read my blog or else the tag will just be floating in sea of unrequited tagged-ness...)

-Abbagirl (I'm not really sure what she does but I've always wondered cause I know she travels alot and there is some kinda retail in there somehow.)
-Firefly (Her life just seems interesting)
-Karin (I wonder what wonder's she has in her Korner)

And well as sad as it may seem folks, thats all I got to tag. I could tag others, but they wouldn't know it so it would be like touching a random person on a public bus or a subway. They might feel someone brush against them, but could careless.

Close encounters of the blogging kind...

2006-10-03T20:35:00.000-04:00

I know I've not posted in a month of Sunday's. I can't use the excuse that I've busy. I have, in fact been busier than usual but there have been times when I could have blogged. The fact is I've been burnt out on blogging.

I started to stress myself out. I have several disorders as you may know, and one of them is a problem with panic attacks. I started to create a fan base with my blogging and thought thought that I must continue to blog on a daily basis in order to keep that up. And honestly, that is true. But only do you have to blog on a daily basis, but your blogs must be witty and entertaining daily. Do you realize how much pressure that was on me? I'm a pretty witty girl, and for the most part entertaining, but to do that on command...daily?!? It was just too much. I was cracking under the pressure.

And then I started to find more entertaining blogs than mine. And I would see that some of my fan base had commented on some peoples blogs and not on mine. I would worry that I offended them in some way or that I just wasn't living up to my full blog potential. This would send me into full on paranoia mode. I started scanning any and everyone who had ever commented on my blog's comments to see if they gave any indication as to why they weren't commenting on mine anymore. (psycho) Yes, I have a problem. Then I noticed that Abbagirl would from time to time write about me in her blogs and I started to freak out that if I didn't come up with something to say in her comments then she would hate me and never comment on mine again.

I haven't gotten a comment from Andrew in months and I just stopped keeping up with him. I assumed I was more than he was willing to handle in the online blogging friend so I weened myself from his blog. He now has made his blog private and I'm not invited, no big surprise.

The straw that broke the camels back was about a week ago I was at work and one of the other bartenders came up to me asked me did I have a blog.

"uh, yea?"

She then pointed to smiling guy at the bar waving at me and told me that is how he found the restaurant. I was shocked. I know that this is completely public and any and everyone can find it at anytime but this was just too close to home. He said that he googled my restaurants name because he was trying to find our website and my blog came up as the first hit.

HELLLOOOO!! FIRST HIT?!?!? Our restaurant has a website that is the actual name of the darn website! So why is my blog a first hit?!?!

So needless to say I deleted my blog with my restaurant name and location and will be a bit more cautious in my further posts regarding my personal life. I don't need this kinda stress. I can barely function as it is.

The glamorous life.

2006-09-07T19:21:00.000-04:00

Back when I was single I noticed that when a guy found out that I was a bartender his attraction to me increased by about 30%. I usually left the bar with at least 2 numbers from random dudes sticking them in the tip jar or writing their number on the credit card receipt. This has always puzzled me and the only conclusion I can come to is that he thought he would get free drinks. Or the guys at the bar must have failed miserably with all the other chicks who aren't wearing a tuxedo shirt and black dockers and thought "well, she was sure nice to me all night. Maybe she likes me."

All the little servers wanna be bartenders, too. Thats all I hear from the kids at the restaurant. "How did you become a bartender? Did you have to go to school for it? Will you teach me?" Look kids, its really not all its cracked up to be. When a server takes a drink order at the table, let's say for a Margarita, a Sex on the Beach, a Pina Colada and a Guiness Draught, all they do is walk to the computer, type in the order and go run food...flirt with the cooks...clean some tables...text messege their boyfriends...smoke in the bathroom, whatever. But that order then goes to the bartenders to make. Those are four COMPLETELY different drinks that are ALL step intensive. You are lookin' at a good two minutes of turn around.

Now say you are the bartender and you take that same drink order from a group that just sat at the bar. They are sitting right in front of you so they are watching you make it and telling you that their mom's second cousin is a bartender and he makes margarita's with a splash of orange juice and they really wished I woulda made it like that, meanwhile showing you pictures of their brother-in-laws dog who just had surgery on his anus. At that same time that you are smiling and acting like you care, you also have to make the servers drinks that rang in some ridiculous shot that no one has ever heard of but some douchebag at their table heard once at a bar in jersey and is trying to impress his date. Then a wide eyed food runner comes walking out of the kitchen and just stands in front of you with arms loaded down with food mouthing the words "where's seat 10" with a mixed look of fear and too much eyeliner. While all this is going on some butt-munch walks in and wants a $2.50 beer and hands you a $100 and you know you don't have the change but the manager is at the host stand attempting to be witty with the 16 year olds he's hired to boost his ego. About this time a server brings you a chocolate martini that you made half an hour ago and says the customer wanted an apple martini instead however they didn't realize what they had until they drank half of it. Then your regular at the end of bar yells for another round of whiskey and pabst blue ribbon for his buddies and while yer at it let him get a look at those 'big ol titties'. By this time a hostess has come to inform you that there is a To Go order waiting on line one and you look up to see your ex boyfriend walk in with a 5'10" blue eyed blonde with brand new boobs and Gucci bag.

Still want my job?

Scared, Confused and otherwise freakin' the heck out!

2006-09-05T19:59:00.000-04:00

I went to my first day of training today for my new job. I've been out of the restaurant business for the last year doing the make-up thing so its very exciting to get back into what I do best. I've been in some form of the service industry for the last 14 years and if there is one thing that I know I'm good at its this.

That having said, I'm now terrified. I get like this anytime I start a new restaurant job though. Except Tripps for some reason and I think that was because I was with Pam (my roomate at the time). This restaurant is starting out to be a Village Tavern clone.
For those of you not from the area VT is the big dog in fine dining. Us in the industry know that they set the standard by which other restaurants follow. If you can make it at VT you and make anywhere. They have always scared me a bit. All but one of the managers are from Village Tavern and one of the owners was VP of operations for them, so naturally they would display several of their standards. The sad thing is, they are kinda stealing their menu too.

The main reason I'm scared is because there are too many things taking place at once and I'm having a hard time keeping up. I'm in school and I'm trying to pass menu tests and its all just getting a little hinky. Too many things are overlapping. I'm a perfectionist so not knowing menu items the first time I'm asked in some stupid game at training today is flipping me out. I want to shine. I need to shine. My anxiety is starting to show and I feel panicy. I can't let that happen at this job.

You see not only is this a new job, its a new and only opportunity to make friends. I have lived in this area for only 3 months and I've have no friends. I am a social person and being out here in the country with no one to bond with is seriously taking a toll on me. I need that interaction and I don't want to come across as a weirdo or I won't make friends at work. All this is stressing me to the max. Luckily I have a meeting with my psychiatrist on Thursday and will hopefully get medicated so that I can cope with all this better.

I just need you all to route for me so that I can make it through this training period. I truely believe in the power of positive thinking and I need some good vibes to come my way in a major way. As sad as it may sound, my blog friends are all I have as a support group right now. I love my computer because all of my friends live in it.

Southern drawls and other things that probably get on firefly's nerves.

2006-09-05T15:56:00.000-04:00

haha no offense to firefly I just had to come up with an attention grabbing title.

I love my southern accent and wouldn't change it for the world. However, a good portion of my family lives in Philadelphia and the surrounding Bucks County area so when I go to visit them I get constant backlash about it. My sister has lived there for over fourteen years and still has her thick accent. I can only imagine the ridiculousness she faces on a daily basis.

I can't go anywhere up there without someone commenting on my accent. The first 4 times it happens I can let it ride but when you can't ask a question without getting grilled about where you are from, it gets annoying. My grandmother is from Possum Holler NC and she has lived in PA for the last 53 years. She now has that thick yankee accent but I make sure to let others know when they say something to us and not to her.

Grandma's summer home is in New Jersey where I take the most ribbing. I absolutely love Jersey! I love everything about it, the accents, the attitudes, the big hair, the over accesesorizing, the spandex, the open shirted hairy chested men, the boardwalk, etc. But you don't see me confronting people with Jersey hair and making fun of that do you?

I guess its just a matter of how we are raised and how we are taught to tolerate differences. While 'yes ma'am' gets on firefly's nerves, it makes me feel like I've encountered a kindred spirit. A joy to encounter in such a fast paced, overly obnoxious society that we seem to be raising these days.

Don't call me Hun!

2006-09-05T11:56:00.000-04:00

I absolutely hate to be called Hun or sweetie. It just sounds so condesending to me. I'm in the the south so I'm used to honey but when when you shorten it to Hun I just want to smack someone. If you are going to talk down to me at least have the common courtesy to use the full word!

Sweetie is worse. Girls seem to use this a lot and I tend to think its a domination thing. Like, If I call her sweetie first then she knows I'm in charge. It really really grinds my gears. Usually the 'sweetie' comment is followed closely by a fake smile. Uggh.

Dreary days make dreary minds

2006-09-05T10:34:00.000-04:00

After a long weekend of construction in the basement and studying for a test, the last thing I wanted to do was go to school. Lucky me, my 9am class was cancelled due to my professor getting called to jury duty. I'm sure they won't pick him because he is an attorney in Forsyth County and knows almost everyone in the courthouse so it would be a conflict of interest. But I get today off none the less.

I do have a test in my computer class at 2pm. And then I start my new job directly after. Its 10:33am but looking outside you would think its 7:30 or 8pm. Its almost dark and very damp from all the rain last night. I took an ambien again last night because I couldn't sleep and I slept way too long. I have that woozy feeling and I dont' want to do anything.

Finally out of the abyss that is my workplace.

2006-09-01T23:49:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day at The Snatcheral. (that is the not so affectionate term the girls that work there have dubbed it because the name of the place is I Natural.) I no longer have to drive an hour one way to work to make $8.50 an hour and have rich women treat me like the hired help. Not all of them act in that manner, but a good portion of the women that come there have a great deal of money and like to flaunt it. I was merely their link to the fashion trends in cosmetics and airbrush tanning and didn't warrant a more than a pityed look at my Target or Old Navy attire.

Its a shame I never wrote more about my salon adventures because there were some doozies! Maybe I will update ya'll with some back stories this weekend when I get done with my take home exam and studying for my test on Tuesday. If you have never worked in the beauty industry you are in for a hoot and a holler of a treat. Women are nuts and even more so in mass.

A quick one before I go...

I have very attractive hands. I no not have a picture of them or I would show you, but it is the one feature of mine that I am very proud of. I have very pink nail beds and long fingernails with extremely white tips. These are my natural nails and I do not have acrylic overlays or french polish. I only wear clear nail polish with proteins in them to strengthen them but no other polishes on my nails.

A woman came into the shop to purchase a something and noticed nails and asked what color I was wearing. This happens often so I gave her my standard answer that I was merely wearing clear polish and nothing else.

She looked at me like I had just slapped her and said, "I understand that but what color is under the clear?" Um, lady I just told you that I'm not wearing any.

So again I told her that I wasn't wearing any. And again with the slapped look. This time she got huffy and said, "Well if you don't want to tell me what polish you are wearing then all you have to do is say so." Helloooo NUTJOB!

"Mam I assure you that if I was wearing polish I would most definitely tell you what color it is because we work on commision and I would be more than happy to make a sale. But unfortunately for me and you, I'm not wearing nail polish. I would be happy to sell you clear nail polish if that is what you would like, but I am not, nor do I ever wear nail polish with color. I am just blessed with very healthy nails not to mention I work in a salon where I am surrounded by nail techs who constantly work on my nails when we are slow."

The lady then gets all riled up and says to me, "I get a manicure every week and my nails don't look like that!" duh, A: you don't get them done here and B: your fingers look like you regularly slam them in a car door and then bite the nails to the quick like its your full time job!

"Well next time you get your nails done ask your nail tech to just put clear on and see how you like it." I say with a pleasant smile on my face.

The lady stormed out of the shop and I never saw her again.
Thank God.

Well I don't know what to say about this one.

2006-08-31T21:04:00.000-04:00

Your Mommy Is Hillary Clinton

What You Call Her: Old Lady

What people say about yo momma: Yo Momma so smelly the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

Who's Your Mommy?

Intro to computers has one of those guys too...

2006-08-31T15:54:00.000-04:00

He is always trying to impart knowledge about stupid websites that no one cares about. When we are asked for an example of a website to go to, he spouts out with some ridiculous non-sense that is more than likely found in those stupid forwarded emails that I ABSOLUTELY HATE! One of the first emails I ever sent to my boyfriend, and this was before he was my boyfriend mind you, was an email asking him to please stop forwarding me bullcrap.

There is also a woman is is completely annoying because you have to tell her literally every single thing to do step by step. Our professor was trying to tell us how to find an IP address for a website and you are supposed to type tracert w/ a space and then the website. This fool typed the actual word 'space' and then the website!

So for extra credit we were supposed to go to blogger and create a blog. Guess what? I got a blog sucka's! So I emailed this link to my prof. He is probably reading this now and laughing his butt off. Everyone say hello to Professor Brown.

If I stabbed him in his pointy head I think I would receive a round of applause!

2006-08-31T13:18:00.000-04:00

There is a guy in my morning class that is so unbelieveably annoying that I can't bear to hear his voice! He is one of those guys that thinks he knows everything and has to comment on any and every subject, not with a question like the rest of the class but with some form of contridictory statement to what the teacher is saying. UGGGH! This morning I wanted to seriously stab him with my ballpoint pen.

He is obviously insecure and self-concious about the fact that he is completely annoying as a person not to mention extrememly unattractive. I feel sorry for the boy but he seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY gets on my nerves. What do you about someone that constantly disrupts class with his ridiculous interjections? I know that I should learn to deal with people of all personalities but this is just ridiculous.

He is one of those guys that thinks he is a computer wiz but really isn't. So he is constantly trying to tell us something that makes no sense. He also thinks he is an expert on the law already and won't shut up about. I really don't understand why he is even in this program except maybe he didn't get into law school. He has a four year degree from another college but I'm not sure what its in.

And while I'm on the subject of things that annoy me...

There is someone else that sits very close to me in class that smells of stale cigarettes. I don't know if its the girl on my left side of the boy on my right but one of them is cloggin my sinuses. The weird thing is they don't smell like a freshly smoked cigarette but the kinda of smell someone's clothes have after they have constantly smoked in their house and car. That old cigarette smell. It makes me gag. But I can't move because we are supposed to sit in the same seats and there really isn't anywhere near me that I could move to without the teacher asking why I moved so far back. Its just gross.

But other than that I love the class.

I wrote a blog on Firefly's blog and I want to obsolve her of her duty to keep it posted.

2006-08-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

...that is unless you just want to cause I'm a rockin' writer and stuff.

So I was responding to her post about people always saying that their grandmother is full blooded Cherokee and how annoying that is. I agree with that annoyance because I grew up in NC where everyone that tans well says they are at least 1/5 Native American. And I mean everybody. There is actually a weird town in the Eastern part of the state where everyone has blonde hair and blue eyes but they all have the Native American characteristics and swear they are all Lumbee. THE WHOLE TOWN! I wish I could remember the name but at the moment I can't seem to remember my name.

So this is what I posted on her blog:

I think it might be peoples guilty concious. Its so deeply ingrained in us to fix the wrongs of our past that we exaggerate so as not to feel left out of our own ignorance. (wow, forgive me for that sentance that probably is more profound than I have the capacity for at the moment. I shall take credit at a date to be determined...) But I just wanted to tell you that my grandmother definitely is from Native Amer. desent but she never told my mom until my grandma's sisters told my mom. Apparently my Great Grandma was from straight off the reservation, her father took the children and ran away when she was very young. My grandmother was ashamed of this heritage because she saw them as stupid, illiterate hill billys and left home at the age of 16 and never looked back. she wrote 'white' on applications and established herself in the court system as a court clerk. I was 12 before I knew any of this. My mom has tried to discover the tribe of which we are associated with no success. Those stories didn't get passed due to shame and illiteracy. But about a year ago my mom was diagnosed with a rare back disease that has only ever been found in a small tribe of native americans found in the mountains of Virginia. So I guess that is her best lead so far. Apparently my Great Grandma would leave these prayer bags under my pillow when I was younger and my grandma or mom always found them and through them out. My great g-ma said I had the gift and that it needed to be nurtured. I never got a chance to find out exactly what that gift was because she died when I was 4. She was 94. maybe my gift is long life?

What I didn't write was that I've got a pretty darn good idea as to what gift my great g-ma spoke of. I shall not reveal it here because its too intense for my lackadasical brain at the moment and probably too intense for most readers alert brains. One day I shall reveal my super power to you and you will all bow in my vast ridiculousness. That is after pointing laughing for about 10 minutes...

I just took an Ambien so things could get hinky...

2006-08-29T23:03:00.000-04:00

What is the deal with the Olive Garden constantly being able to offer never-ending this and never-ending that? First they started with the salad and bread sticks then progressed to soup and now pasta. Pasta? It's only $7.95 for all you can eat of your choice of sauce and pasta. I don't know about you guys, but I can only eat so much pasta. Most of the time I have to get a to-go box and I doubt they will let you do that with the all you can eat deal. What am I talking about, I'll never go to the Olive Garden.

Now the 'Never Ending Story' that was a good idea...

I absolutely am in love with commercials these days. Why is it that now that I have a DVR commercials are grabbing my attention? It's probably that whole, 'You always want what you haven't got' thing. So since I now have the ability to fast forward through the commercials they now make me want to watch them. My new favorite is Nike commercial with Maria Sharapova where everyone is singing 'I feel Pretty' as she walks by. That rocks because then she gets out there and NAILS the HECK out of the ball! She ain't no Anna Kournakova clone, that is fo' sho'. And of course you have to give props to the MAC commercials with the dude from 'Waiting' in them. You know the ones where he is introduces himself as a Mac and the bald dorky dude intros himself as a pc. Classic advertising.

I am however sick of car commercials and Target commercials. EVERYone is going to shop at target so don't worry about being artsy. And its not like I'm gonna see a great deal for a Ford and then run out and buy one. Enough already.

You know what we need more of?
Cowbell.
WE NEED MORE Cowbell!

I wish my butt sparkled...

2006-08-26T23:43:00.000-04:00

I was just reading over blogs on here and noticed a girls icon on Karin's page. It is a picture of just the lower back, butt and upper thighs of a girl wearing a shiny skirt that apears to shimmer with the light. I see things like this and I wonder what it would be like to be that girl. I'm sure that isn't Karin's blogging friends butt. Who's butt is it? Why can't it be my butt? Why don't I have sparkly skirts and butterfly tattoos? What do I have to wear to get an icon made out of my butt?

My life constantly revolves like this. I constantly wonder why not me? Why don't people pay attention to me? Why don't people do things for me? Why don't people think of me? Does that make me narcissistic or just self-indulgent? My life is going better than it ever has. I'm loving school, I have myself on a path to getting help with my mental problems, I actually think I can do something with my life and I have a wonderful place to live. I'm not constantly obsessing over spending the rest of my life alone, nor am I scared that I can't pay my bills. So why am I still struggling?

Some would argue that I need God. But what is God? I've had God and I got pregnant and shunned from my church. I got treated like a leaper by my family and wound up with nowhere to live and my boyfriend was cheating on me. So no, God isn't my option. And don't give me that faith crap, or that "HE was testing you" crap. A true and loving God wouldn't leave his children out there to flounder and flop. I know that tons of people find comfort in God and religion and such. I do not. I know there isn't much that I find comfort in but I know it isn't religion. I do consider myself spritual, but not religious. You can only be let down so many times before you stop trying.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking anyones religious beliefs at all. People find comfort in many different things. I would never try and force my beliefs on anyone and I certainly wouldn't want someone trying to force theirs on me. I think that people who do that are close minded and hypocritical. It is ridiculous to assume that your way is the only way. Thats like saying that an entire nation of people ie: India is going to Hell because they don't accept Jesus as their Lord and Personal Savior. Thats just nuts.

Ok I think I've sufficiently offended enough people to go to bed now...

Why didn't someone tell me...

2006-08-25T10:52:00.000-04:00

So I finished my first week of community college and I have got to say, it is SOOOO much easier than the University. It's like everyone is holding your hand every single step of the way. They tell you every single step to do and when to do it. Its really just, amazing.

I guess that is why they say to go to a community college from high school. There is just enough of real college life to prepare you for a university. I could be thinking that this is so much easier because I just spent two years at a rather large university and still managed to pull myself out with 'sophomore' status, almost junior. My GPA teetered on 2.3 until the last semester where it plumetted.

I am just blown away at how willing the professors are to help you. It might just be mine but he is 'truely' interested in furthering everyones career. I'm in the paralegal program as you may have guessed from my lateset post. The department head is a lawyer and has been for the past 27 years. He is also my instructor for the first 'box car'. Our program is taught in four week sections in which the first class is done everyday for 4 weeks 2-3 hours a day. He set it up that way so at any point in time someone can join the program at any time. I'm learning quite a bit about paralegals and that I don't have to be stuck in a law office doing grunt work for an attorney. My options are pretty much infinite. I'm kinda excited about this and really think I've found something that actually think I can do.

I need a moment of your time...

2006-08-24T12:30:00.000-04:00

I have a project to do in one of my classes and it envolves me asking some simple questions of a large sampling of individuals. If you have the time, do you mind filling out the answers to the questions below and emailing them back to me? They don't have to be long answers however the more detail you go into will certainly help me better understand your answers. All answers are confidential and I won't use your name in project analysis if you do not want me to. I need this by Saturday evening sometime because I have to turn the project in on Monday. Thank you for your time and if you don't want to help me out I will understand.

Jade

1. What is your current occupation and how long have you done this kind of work?

2. What level of education do you have?

3. What is your age?

5. Do you know anyone who is or was a paralegal?

4. What is a paralegal?

5. What does a paralegal do?

6. Where does a paralegal work?

7. Should a paralegal be required to have a license or other credential?

8. Have you ever considered being a paralegal yourself?

Thank you for taking the time to fill this out for me. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. You can email your answers to: Jadeepoo@gmail.

Jade

Expressions.

2006-08-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard 'Shadowboxer' by Fiona Apple, I strongly suggest you do. I love her music but this song has always hit home for me. I've always longed to be able to express my feelings in metaphors. There is just something so poetic about that.

Speaking of which, I actually hate poetry. Not really poetry itself, just the word poem. I hate the way some people pronouce it. It's like they are saying 'pohm'. Man that grinds my gears. I hate it when people get so rapped up in the idea of poetry that they think they are artsy because they know a poem or two.

On another note, I absolutely LOVE the new show on Food Network called Road Tasted. Its hosted by Paula Dean's sons, Bobby and Jamie. They travel all over the country learning to make really awesome things that are famous and can be shipped to you. That really isn't a good description but its a cool show. I think the reason I love it so much is because I love to listen to those guys talk. They remind me of good old boys, but not the redneck kind. The kind that makes you want to go to a high school football game. Only the true southerners will know what I'm talking about.

I have apparently lost my mind.

2006-08-22T13:27:00.000-04:00

I would first like to start out by apoligizing to Andrew. I have been a reader of his for quite sometime and very much enjoy reading his blog. He has been going through some difficult times and I'm sure I've not made it better with my insane accusations and ridiculous emails. You see for the past week everytime I've gone to his page all I've gotten is the same blog he posted a week ago about having the funks. I am the only one who had commented on that blog and I haven't seen any others since then.

So not having Andrews blog to read I go read some other peoples and notice that Andrew has been commenting on their blogs as recently as a few hours before I looked at his blog. I'm like "What the?". So me being the insane person that I am automatically assume the he has blocked me from being able to see his blogs. I don't even know that that is possible but I figured that since he is so adept at computer things that he knows how and has blocked me. Why in the world I have no idea, but now it was totally in my head that he hated me and didn't want me reading his blogs. I've sent him several emails to which he hasn't replied so that just added fuel to my fire.

Well then I decided to call him out and send him and email telling him that I know what he has done that its ok if he doesn't want me to read his blog anymore. So then I log into internet explorer, which is the browser my boyfriend uses and go to Andrews blog. I see blog after blog after blog that has NEVER come up on my browser. So then I really freak out. I go back to my browser and out of sheer whim hit the refresh button. Low and behold Andrews blog in all its glory appears in front of me.

Andrew must think that I am a certified nut case. And with good reason because according to my doctors its a wonder I've never been committed. I guess this is what happens when you move to the country with no 'real' friends and your only source or human contact comes from a computer screen. I feel like such a complete psycho and don't understand why I get so worked up like that over small things. I guess once I finally either get medicated or working with a therapist these insane over-reactions will settle. I certainly hope so because now people I don't even know think I'm a nut job.

Spiraling.

2006-08-21T21:09:00.000-04:00

I can't always tell what is real and what isn't.
Is this real?

School started today. Lots and lots of people. I had to walk way farther than I did at the University. I have a horrible blister on my left foot. Class wasn't scary at all and I'm very happy to have signed up for this one. There seems to be a lot of people in the class that know one another from other paralegal classes. That tends to alienate people and I felt a little overwhelmed with it. Hopefully they will stop with all that 'I know more than you do' crap.

I also met with the psycologist today. Almost had a panic attack in the lobby. Not such a nice receptionist. Seems like they would make people in a mental health office be nice and accomidating.

I made one of Rachel Ray's recipes this weekend. It was awesome.

It's Not Always Rainbows and Butterflies...

2006-08-18T19:13:00.000-04:00

There is a simple song lyric that pretty much describes the way I feel about life. “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise that moves us along.” I’ve used this pop lullaby as a point of focus for changing my views on life and my pursuit of happiness. It took me a long time to get to that point. I’ve always thought that one day I would just wake up and there would be this big breakthrough. That one day life would just happen. I’ve grown up a lot and discovered that life doesn’t work that way. Compromise is an integral part of making that discovery.

Compromise seems like a relatively benign word. Its whole intention is to give a little from both sides so that everyone shares equally in the joys and heartaches. The actual definition of the word is a settlement of differences by mutual concessions. However, giving into change isn’t something that has come easy in my life. This is mainly due to the secondary definition of compromise which is to make vulnerable to danger and/or scandal. I spend so much of my life terrified of change, absolutely terrified to the point of tears at times. I like to live in a comfort zone so as not to disrupt the delicate balance of thoughts in my head. This comfort zone keeps me safe from the ever changing world around me but also puts me at a disadvantage. If you spend your life sheltered from change then you never grow as a person. I’m learning to step out of my comfort zone and experience the real world. A world that is full of change and compromise.

A major point of compromise came about when I decided to go back to school. I decided I didn’t want to wake up again to a life of mediocrity. I realized that the only way to do that was to continue my education and get out of this vicious cycle of working dead end restaurant jobs that only led to body aches and stress. My first job when I was sixteen was waiting tables at a small little family restaurant in High Point called Gordy’s Broasted Chicken. I took to it like a fish to water and was soon well on my way to making quick and easy cash in hand. This job discovery can now be looked at as a blessing and a curse. I know I will always have a job because I can walk into any restaurant in the world basically and be making cash money within a week. But this also leads to the comfort zone I mentioned earlier. I know I can work in any restaurant anywhere so therefore I don’t set my goals any higher. All that changed about a year ago. I came to the realization that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life on my feet catering to the general public’s obsession with ranch dressing. I wanted to go to school. I longed to be educated. I was tired of only having conversations with people about how so and so was sleeping with this manager or that to get the good shifts and how great these new insoles for my shoes are. I needed to experience a different more well rounded life.

This is when the compromise comes in. I knew that if I wanted to go to school I would have to get my financial aid paperwork done and I would have to apply to a school. I also would have to learn time management skills and how to find my way around a big, scary campus. I have big issues with coming across as unknowledgeable. I don’t like for people to think I don’t know what I’m doing. So I had to compromise with my inner self and do a little calling around and setting up of appointments. Before I even knew it I was enrolled at UNCG with full financial aid and a little extra to pay for my living expenses so I wouldn’t have to work so much. The funny thing about change and compromise is, once you’ve done it, it’s not really as scary as you thought it was going to be.

Life is for the living and in order to experience life you have to live it. A lot of people get hung up on what they should be doing rather than what they actually are doing. If you don’t get out there and make your life happen it won’t. I’m living proof of that. I used to think that one day there will be this big breakthrough and I’ll be grown up. That never happened. I had to realize that I’m 28 years old and if I want to be an adult I just have to start being one. No one is going to hand me anything in this life and nothing is just going to magically happen for me. I have to work for everything I get and it doesn’t come easy. Nothing ever does, but when you work for a goal and actually accomplish it, your rewards seem much sweeter.

In the last year, I have had more good days than bad. I’ve taken the bad times and learned from them rather then writing them off as bad luck and bad timing. I've experienced highs of the greatest magnitude and I’ve let myself enjoy them. I've danced when given the option of sitting it out. I've willed my soul into submission and given up being perfect. No one is perfect and I have stopped penalizing the brave ones that try to be. I have developed more of a sense of self worth and learned to love me for who I am. That is one compromise I am happy to have made. I now embrace my flaws and imperfections and use them as character building blocks. Everyday is an adventure in self discovery and it helps to find a road map once in awhile. I find more and more out about myself with every new experience. I’m still a little scared of change but I’ve also learned that change is the only way to develop and grow as a person. Growing is an essential part to the life process and I’m eternally grateful to the people who have helped me learn this along the way.

This was written 2 years ago. I'm now 30 and still hate change.

Archives a plenty.

2006-08-17T23:40:00.000-04:00

Here is another classic from my bag of tricks. I hope it inspires. The sad thing is I still feel mostly this way about my life.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Maybe it's just me but...
Current mood: cynical

Does internet dating sometimes seem like a race to you? Like if you've found someone cool you need to hurry up and let them know how awesome you are before someone swoops in with half naked pictures and trendy hair and swallows them up?

I think I'm an amazing individual. I have a killer sense of humor. (Which very few people get but when they do, I crack them up like whoa) I have varied intrests on many aspects of life. I enjoy several genres of music and film. I enjoy a quiet evening at home just as much as wild night on the town. I take pride in my appearance and want to represent myself with the utmost dignity when being presented. I can carry on a conversation in almost any social situation. I have a huge heart that sometimes gets trampled in the process of giving it freely. I try to look at every possible aspect of a scenario before jumping to conclusions and acting on said hunches. I'm very loyal and loving. I would never think of maliciously hurting anyone. There is never any evil in my heart. I would rather talk out a situation than let it escalate.

I guess all this comes back to my two major downfalls, patience and priorities. I'm trying ever so hard to work on them, truely I am. But it is just so hard when everytime you turn around what you thought you had was never really there to begin with. Can you imagine what its like to wake up and know, I mean deep down know, that you are completely alone in this world. I have friends. I have great friends. But when it comes down to it at the end of the day the only person I have is me. I can't depend on others to get me out of bed. I can't depend on others to make sure that I sleep at night. I can't depend on others to lift me up when I'm sad and to feed me when I'm hungry. All I have in this life is me, and I'm not exactly the prize I once was.

This is where the patience runs thin. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to share my successes with. I want someone to console me in my failures. But the problem is, I want them NOW. That is physically and mentally impossible. And there is also a distinct possibility that it is improbable as well.

Then we encounter the priorities portion of the show. My priorities are all screwed up. I place a higher priority on making time for someone I don't even know when I can't even seem to find the time to visit my dying grandparents! I hate that I'm this way. I hate it. (This is where my self-loathing eclipses my good qualities, therefore making it virtually impossible to correct any of the afore mentioned issues)

I wish I could be 'that girl'. You know the one. The one that has it all together. The one that can get up in the morning, get her workout in, drink her coffee with a healthy breakfast while reading the paper and simultaniously watch Headline News. The one that gets her day started when it should start and manages to get it all in. The one that goes to bed completely satisfied at the end of the day that she had done everything she needed to do that day to have a restful nights sleep. The one that loves life and has the ability to make sure hers counts for something. You know, 'that girl'.

This blog was way longer than I intended it. If you don't feel like actually reading the whole thing, at least read the stuff in parenthesis. K. Thanks.

I got the job and the diagnosis...

2006-08-17T23:17:00.000-04:00

I start at the new place on September 2nd. I'm soooo excited. Finally I'll make new friends and have a job that is only 10 minutes away. I just hope that this restaurant does well. In my experience restaurants that aren't chains or franchaises tend to fizzle after the initial opening. Cross your fingers.

I met with the therapist today. Things are looking up. I can't wait to get this therapy underway and start school and start my new job. Lots of changes are ahead. I hope I make it out alive.

My blogs are getting boring because I am forcing myself to type something. Anything. I used to be an amazing writer. I have lost that. I need a jump start.

I do my best blogging while trying to sleep.

2006-08-17T11:19:00.000-04:00

As I lay in bed at night I think of the most profound blogs. Epic blogs that would go down in history. But I feel like if I get up then I will never get sleepy again. I always think that the next morning I will remember them to post them. I don't. Ever.

So I got a job. I'm super excited because I will be opening a new restaurant here in town. I'm back bartending again, thank goodness. We go to orientation on September 2nd and will start training the following Monday. Finally I don't have an hour drive one way to work. Yay!

I also go to my initial intake meeting at Triumph today. I get 2 hours to talk about my depression and anxiety. My counselor then decides the best course of action for my treatment. I'm very proud of myself for sticking with this, but of course I'm on an upswing. I start school next week, I have a new job starting in approximately 2 weeks and I've made strides in curbing my appetite. These upswings usually last about a month and then I'm back in the pit of dispair. I hope I can make this last longer by continuing treatment.

This blogging site is confusing...a little help?

2006-08-15T17:46:00.000-04:00

I know I'm not the most computer literate person in the world, heck I flunked out of UNCG last semester because I simply didn't understand Excell. But after I play around with something a little I can usually figure it out.

Well I've been playing around with this ridiculous mess for awhile and still can't seem to get the hang of it. I have it set so that I moderate comments. Usually I get an email telling me someone has posted and I can choose to publish it or reject it. Apparently two of my favorite readers commented awhile back and I never got the email. I thought they had abandoned me.

I just happened to go to the 'moderate comments' section of my blog just to check and low and behold there they were. I feel like a douche.

I've also deleted that annoying blog with the cartoon and the funny song. But for some reason when I go back to 'veiw blog' its still there. But if I just go to my blog it isn't. I hope it has cleared itself and most of you arent' stuck listening to it. I thought it was hilarious the first time I heard it, but now I really aggrivates me as I'm sure it does you all.

I really need people in my life and seeing as how I live in the middle of nowhere with very limited social interaction, I really appreciate the social aspect of blogger. Mainly because I don't know any of you in real life so I can get a perspective of what you think of me based solely on my writing. Unbiased opinions are what keep me getting up in the morning.

Thank you for your readership.

Oh and the whole reason for the post, is there another way to tell when someone has commented? I really wish I knew when someone comments on what I've commented on on their page. I love LiveJournal for this feature.

Where did you go?

2006-08-15T17:41:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been getting little to no comments on my blog. Is that due to my lack of readership or lack of entertaining blogs?

(here I go taking things personal again.)

Dawning

2006-08-15T00:21:00.000-04:00

I had two appointments today and created another.

The first was for my mental issues. I spoke last week of how I needed help and made an appointment at Triumph for Thursday of last week. Due to the fact that I was allowed an extended stay at the beach, I called and rescheduled for today. I knew that I needed to get help for my depression, however shortening a free beach trip would surely lead to more of it.

When I got to Triumph I was slightly overwhelmed by the amount of people in the building at 9am. Upon further inspection I realized that the actual Triumph place is on the the second floor and all of those people were there for the medicaid pharmacy on the bottom floor. Whew! I almost went into shutdown panic attack mode and bolted. Luckily I kept my stride steady and my gaze on the signage.

When I reached the top floor I was greated by an adorable blonde girl who couldnt' have been older than 22. She smiled alot and had a 'Little House on the Praire' quality to her. She seemed extremely nervous and introduced herself as Bree. She was to do my intake and I was emensely pleased with her. She had a thick braid and lots of silver jewelry. She wore dark jeans and pretty flower print wrap shirt with bejeweled sandles. Her finger nails and toe nails were painted blue with a top coat that looked like a disco ball. This made me smile. I thought of her life. I imagined she has dogs and loves WideSpread Panic. I bet she also likes to hike and has a vegetable garden in her backyard.

She had me fill out paperwork and then set me up with a counselor. I go back on Thursday to actually talk about why I'm there and decide on a course of action as far as meds and/or therapy goes. The cool thing is that even though I don't have medicaid I still can pay on a sliding scale and have $9-$11 co-pays for my meds if they put me on them.

I'm in an upswing right now, so hopefully they will agree to still see me. I can be very convincing that I'm 'OK' when I'm up. And when I'm down, I simply can't be motivated to get help.

My Birthday Pictures!

2006-08-14T11:10:00.000-04:00

Well it happened. I turned 30 yesterday. I don't feel any different. But somehow I feel a tad bit more distinguished and possibly a few pounds lighter due to the fact that I spent most of yesterday throwing up. That of course was because Saturday night we went to Jake's and random people kept buying me shots.

Thanks to Josh and Joey I was on special for $3.75. The Jade Rocks shot which was actually a red headed slut (jagermeister, peach schnapps, and cranberry) was a popular choice that evening. Josh also bought me balloons and had them all over the place along with a Happy Birthday banner. I couldn't believe it! Josh was our bartender and his brother Joey is an old friend of mine. Joey owns the little grill in Jakes.

Before the Jake's debauchery, we ate dinner at Ganache Bakery and Cafe. If you've never been to or heard of Ganache, you need to immediately drive to Greensboro and get a slice of cake from them. They make the best cake in the WORLD! And probably the most expensive. A regular size birthday cake is approximately $70. Yea. We all got a slice of different cakes.

The rest of the night we played pool and the jukebox and generally had a blast! Here are the rest of the pictures:

A new era of freedom.

2006-08-08T15:27:00.000-04:00

I called today and made myself an appointment to speak with someone about my depression. I have an appointment at Triumph here in Forsyth County on Thursday at 11am. I never would have been able to get in to see someone so soon in Guilford County. I'm guessing there are less crazy people here in Forsyth. Yay for me.

After work tonight I will be driving to Wilmington. Its a three hour trip and then I will crawl into bed with my honey at his hotel for a few hours sleep. Then I will get up and go find the least populated spot on one of the beaches, most likely Kure Beach since it tends to be more family oriented, and set up camp for the day. I have a brand new book to read called "Gods in Alabama". Its a book about a girl who ran from her past only to have it catch up with her 10 years later in the form of the head cheerleader from her high school on her doorstep. Its by a southern author and promises intrigue and humor. I will read that book all day while soaking up the sun on the beach. Then I will drive home.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Mental help can't be far off.

2006-08-08T12:47:00.000-04:00

I need to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me. When people don't return my calls or whatever, it isn't because they hate me. When people are snippy on the phone and in a hurry to get off it probably has nothing to do with me. I get my feelings hurt way too often over things that don't envolve me.

I'm fairly sure that one of my friends lies to me often. She does so because she is inherantly a bad person. Pretty much everything she does is lie, cheat and steal and then she wonders why things always turn out bad for her. I am refering of course to "the princess". Mental instability is her main reason. She seems to always have taken some pill without eating or had a panic attack when she doesn't follow through with plans for me. I call bull crap on all of it.

My birthday is Sunday. It's the big one. I'm gonna ge 30 and I'm pretty darn scared. I have no stable income, no stable homelife, and no stability mentally. I'm pretty much a failure at any and everything I try. My so called friends are a joke and boyfriend is moodier than a woman. I am a huge procrastinator and very flaky. I feel as though my life is in shambles and have no way out or any motivation to fix it. Most people are grown up by 30. I'm just entering puberty.

After going to my sisters and seeing all that she has; a loving family, a great house, a comfortable life, I am jealous. She didn't go to college. She didn't do anything to get any of that but marry well. She married a man that loves her unconditionally. She was on drugs so bad when she met him that she almost ruined it all. But alas, she cleaned herself up and made a wonderful home for them and started poppin out babies. I always tend to believe that her life has worked out because she is beautiful. Attractive people get all the breaks no matter what anyone says. It is a fact. I'm not saying that her life is wonderful because she has material things, she has personal success as well.

When we first arrived at her house her husband and the kids started goofin around and play fighting. Then she got in the act and she and her husband started chasing each other around the house in a play fight royal rumble. Everyone fell in a heap in the basement in a flutter of giggles. I want that. I want such a comfortableness and stability. I want happiness.

My Vacation Pictures, finally.

2006-08-07T11:27:00.000-04:00

I promised you all pictures of my vacation. I just now got them all resized and uploaded and blah blah. So here they are.

After my "flight from hell" that I posted about previously, my sister Stephanie picked up Me, my neice Sarah, and my Stepmom Dana at the airport and took us back to her house in Chalfont, PA. About a year and a half ago they bought a ranch on 22 acres in Bucks County PA. If you have never seen the countryside of PA and you enjoy beautiful scenery, check it out!







It took them a year to remodel the farm house and the pool was put in the week before I arrived. While we were at the shore, the area around the pool got paved and a diving board was added. They had just aquired a golden retriever who was suffering from separation anxiety. His name is Sammy and he is ALL puppy! I played with him in the backyard all day and later my brother in law took him into the pool to teach him to swim. He previously had been terrified of pool. The poor thing was tuckered out and napping in his favorite chair. The chair used to have a cushion that he removed everyday to sleep in. My sister continued to put the cushion back in the chair until Sammy got fed up and drug the cushion out into the corn feild behind the house. Smart doggie.



The following are picture of my niece Sarah and my nephew Johnny in their bedrooms.





Here is my stepmom and sister lounging in the den. Stephanie's houses are always so comfortable.



Here is us in the front yard preparing to leave for the shore.





We had about a 2 hour drive to Grandma Marie's shore house. On the way us 'kids' decidedt to watch a movie. Sarah grabbed some dvd's to chose from but we found when we opened the case of "Pirates of the Carribean", that the dvd wasn't in the case. Dang it! So we got stuck watching "White Chicks". By the look on our faces you can tell we had made the wrong choice.



Once we arrived at the shore, It was non-stop pool time!



















This is the front of the house. I think the entryway is absolutely gorgeous!





As the sun goes down the veiw of the bay is breathtaking. At night you can see the the lights of Atlantic City and you can make out the Trump Taj Mahal very easily. During the day there is a 'Pirate Ship' that goes out into the bay full of kids. They fire water cannons at passing boats. It's pretty funny!





We did manage to clean ourselves up and hit the town. We went to dinner and the Boardwalk in Ocean City. On another day we went to Atlantic City and I went to my very first Couture Mall. It's called "The Peirs" and it is in Ceasars Palace. It was fun but it is much more fun to shopping in a place where you actually can afford to buy something. BCBG Max Azaria was having a 70% off sale and there still wasn't anything in the store for under $100! My neice got some jeans at this really neat store, Adrienne Goldschmidt or something like that. They were $175! Do you know what I could do with that kinda money at Old Navy?!?! But she is growing up in a different lifestyle than I did at her age. I tried to win some money in Ceasars Palace but alas, I lost $5 in quarter slots and hung up my gambling hat. Johnny got a henna tattoo on the boardwalk and thought he was da bomb. It's funny how all he needs is a $20 henna tattoo and Sarah needs $175 jeans. They are so different.





















Well that was my trip. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did, sans the plane ride.

Do we always get what we deserve?

2006-08-04T11:50:00.000-04:00

I hadn't seen the Lemmony Snicket's movie "A Series of Unfortunate Events" until a couple of days ago. It was on Showtime I believe and I watched it as I cleaned the kitchen and made banana pudding. This movie is nothing that I suspected. It isn't at all a kids movie and is very much in the vein of "Big Fish". It told a story of hope and redemption. It was dark and twisted with a whimsical undertone. I love movies like that. Not quite on the beaten path but camoflaged by it enough to appear to be.

Anyway, this post isn't about that movie, but about a particular line at the beginning. I can't recall it word for word but as I remember it was something envolving people generally get what they deserve. It was in reference to the Jim Carrey character and how horribly dispicable he was. However, that got me thinking. If people get what is coming to them, then why do the bad things happen to the good people in first place?

This will probably get some panties in a bunch...

2006-08-03T12:20:00.000-04:00

This was my final exam for English 101.
Our assignment this time was to write a fantasy or science fiction account of the future and compare and contrast that account with the present.

Some of the names have remained the same to accuse the guilty...(i'm funny, people like me)

Marriage: A Union of Love Not Gender

It was a crisp Thanksgiving afternoon when Matthew came bounding out of the car exclaiming “Nanna! Nanna! I baked the pumpkin pie with mommy!” Matthew was about to turn eleven and so sure he was going to be famous chef like his Uncle Nick. It seems like only yesterday I was holding him in my arms for the very first time. Matthew is my oldest grandchild, his brother Andrew is the youngest at the ripe old age of 8. Andrew has no use for cooking and cleaning or housework of any kind for that matter. He is all boy, puppy dog tails and all. Matthew can play Tonka trucks and swing a baseball bat with the best of them, but he prefers being in the kitchen with his Nanna and Memaw baking goodies for the family. Its days like these that make me so proud that I was a part of equal rights movement.

Shortly after Brandy’s 36th birthday we decided it was time to start our family. I was 33 and in my second year at Temple Law in Pennsylvania. We had been together 8 years by this point and Brandy had sacrificed so much for me. I owed her that baby she always wanted. Brandy had moved to Philadelphia with me 3 years ago so that I could pursue my dreams of law. She had her degree from High Point University in accounting and secured a job overseeing the financial concerns of my Grandfather’s construction company, Dale Construction. Although we couldn’t go about things the “traditional way” and get married before the kids, we were excited none the less, with our bundle of joy on the way. Brandy and I decided on an anonymous donor so as not to alienate any family members and set about to the business of baby making. We discovered that Brandy was pregnant on March 20th and on Halloween 2010 Lily Grace was born. She had Brandy’s bright blue eyes and devilish grin. Lily was absolutely perfect in everyway! Four years later on December 11th Nicholas Wyatt was born.

We had two beautiful children, fabulous careers and a 2-story colonial in the suburbs but something just didn’t gel. We were happy, very happy in fact but for some reason we didn’t feel whole. That reason had been resting on the floor of the Senate for 3 years. Amendment XXVIII would sit on the floor in heated debate for another 9 years. Finally, in on January 22, 2024 two days after the swearing in of Hillary Rodham Clinton as the first woman President of The United States of America, the amendment or family had been praying for was written into law. Amendment XXVIII to the US Constitution states, “The right of citizens of the United States to marry shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.” So it was official, we could finally be a real family without bureaucracy and bigotry forcing us into a civil union.

The wedding was set for September 24, 2024. Brandy wore a beautiful white beaded empire waist gown with a bouquet of calla lily’s and red roses. I wore a red floor length gown with crown of lily’s in my hair. I always looked better in red. It was an outdoor ceremony performed at a little bed and breakfast in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I’ll never forget how beautifully the sun reflected in Brandy’s strawberry blond curls and the way that her eyes twinkled at the sight of our children walking hand in hand down the isle with the rings. We finally were a real family. Our children went on to school and marriages of their own. Lily married a Marine from Texas and gave birth to Matthew and Andrew a few years later. Nick married an artist from Peru and gave us our only granddaughter, Taylor. It is so hard for my grandchildren to believe me when I tell them that there was a point in our history when their grandmother’s were not allowed to be married. This Thanksgiving, we thanked our legislature for seeing fit to legally grant us our right to love.

In comparing this scenario with today one can not overlook the harsh realities. It is truly illegal for same sex couples to wed anywhere in the United States and have that union recognized by the Federal Government or any other state for that matter. I’m not sure why anyone would want to deny US citizens the basic right to marry (i.e.: pursuit of happiness) for any reason, much less sexual orientation. The only logical reason I can come up with is fear. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. Galileo was put to death for heresy over ideals that the church just didn’t understand. African Americans weren’t allowed to marry until after the Civil War and only 37 years ago, mixed race couples were given the right to marry according to ReligiousTolerance.org. That seems absurd in this day and time to think that was even a possibility. Due to the evolution of ideas, many subjects that once were taboo are now a common occurrence among present day families. I predict that in 40 years the majority of the population won’t even bat and eye at a same sex couple walking down the street and holding hands. As the population becomes more educated on a subject the acceptance of the subject grows. It’s just a fact of life.

Religion plays a large factor in this debate over marriage. Marriage to a number of Christian organizations is considered “ordained by God” and considered a symbol of Christ’s relationship with the church. This viewpoint totally alienates atheist and agnostics which are a growing population in the US today. That also brings us to the separation of church and state. America was founded on this principle and that somehow gets egregiously overlooked by law makers in this country. Somehow, I’m sure; the inability for the races to marry came about by some random religious reason as well. In the future, we may look back and try and realize what the big deal was with this debate. However, I’m sure then there will be an issue that is the new “gay marriage” of that time that causes just as much of a divide.

Yet another brilliant English Paper,,

2006-08-03T12:02:00.000-04:00

As I stated before, most of these old blogs are from when I was single. I think this one is pretty awesome as well.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Table for One? (1st english paper this semester, brilliant I tell you)

I was at work one night and I sparked up a conversation with a rather flamboyant middle aged woman about reading the newspaper. She informed me that she stopped reading the paper because it stressed her out and the only thing she really misses about it is the wedding and birth announcements. I informed her that those are the exact parts of the newspaper that stress me out, jokingly of course. She wanted to know why I would say such a thing and informed her simply that I'm 28 and I don't even have a boyfriend, nor any prospects of such, much less am I on my way to wedded bliss. "BUT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!!" she exclaims at the top of her lungs bearing a face of shock and dismay. I thanked her with a slight blush but assured her that it wasn't due to lack of suitors but secretly I knew it was, well sort of. So that led me to start thinking, does how attractive we are affect our ability to have a relationship? It can't can it? I see ugly people in relationships all time, blissfully happy, gazing in to one another’s eyes. So why can't I have that? Am I so completely normal that I fall between the cracks of unattractive and attractive? I get asked all the time, mostly in a pick up line sort of way, "Why are you still single?" Well good question. I would assume partly due to my inability to commit and partly due to the inability of the person I’m interested in to commit. I don't really think it has anything to do with how I look. I like to say that I’m single by choice. I’m single because I am comfortable enough in who I am to go through life alone. But being alone in relationship sense doesn’t mean I’m alone in life. Just that I am my own person. I don’t need to be defined by who I’m with. I know who I am and being single is part of it. It took me sometime to fully understand what being single is. I think I’ve got it now and I’m the correct path to acceptance of the singleness.
What does it mean to be a single woman? Relationship or Marital Status is a box we must check on applications and questionnaires. But is it also part of who we are? Our relationship status seems to be essential to our daily life. It’s almost as though we can’t do anything involving a legal document or documentation in general unless we announce to the world that we are “Single”. The government even goes as far as to give tax breaks to married couples as if saying here is reward for not being alone. When a couple gets married it is pretty much expected that the woman will take the man’s last name. That is the first step to losing her identity. Society tells women that they are nothing without a family. All media ads and “American Dream” propaganda is geared towards settling down and have your 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. I’ve discovered that way isn’t the only way, nor is it the best way for everybody.
Accepting that you are single can be tough. There are so many aspects of life in general stacked against you. For one, almost all songs you hear have something to do with love or relationships. I personally enjoy music because I can relate to the words of the songs. So in order to accept the fact that you are a single woman, you have to accept the fact that you don’t have what they are talking about in these songs. Also, in most movies there is always a love interest. There is some person and another person that is there mostly to spark romantic feelings in the hero or heroine. That can get really annoying because they are basically telling you that in all situations two people will end up together and it’s usually the two attractive people. It is very hard to watch movies where everything comes out ok in the end when the two main characters get together. Are they saying that if you find your perfect match that you can then save the world? And, how come you always find love when the world is ending and it’s up to you to save it? Even TV shows that are specifically designed with the single woman in mind end up heading down the aisle to holy matrimony. Take for example Sex in the City. In the final episode all of the single, independent women end up hitched to someone. That really doesn’t set a good example for us “single in the city” gals to look up to.

I used to be a “relationship” girl. I was never single and my relationships usually lasted for 2 to 3 years. I was always defined by the person I was dating. I hate people like that. I can’t stand it when a person’s every other thought is, “my boyfriend” this and my “my girlfriend” that is probably because I was one of those people. I was Joe's fiancé or Gabe's girlfriend, never Jade. Now I’m Jade. I am my own person and I have my own ideals and thoughts. I know what defines me and what I want out of life. It has taken me sometime to get here. But I’ve finally arrived and the single life is so much sweeter. I’ve even noticed that in my regular day to day routine some things have changed. When I decide I want to get something to eat, I don’t automatically think, “Who can I call to have lunch with me?” Instead I think, “Where can I go with enough room to study and eat at the same time.” When I decide I want to go to the movies I just go. I don’t call everyone I know to see if they can go with me. I am very proud with the fact that I am so secure in being “alone” in life that I can do the normal day to day things without someone by my side. I have greatly increased my sense of independence and self worth.

A very good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about her great aunt that passed away a few years ago. Aunt Bess was a quirky old woman with a zest for life. Aunt Bess had no children and she never married. She never married? Why is that? She was an attractive lady with a great personality and tons of spunk. She had a great job and lots of things going for her in life. This should be the ultimate goal. Be happy with yourself and accomplish things on your own, to be successful and happy with whom you are. You shouldn’t need another person to define your life. My friend informed me that Aunt Bess was engaged once and he died so she just never married. Could I feasibly go through life and never marry? Is being with someone that essential in our lives that we must couple up and procreate? I think not. The point of life is to live it. Not to live it with someone or without someone, just to simply live it. I think that if we learn to accept who we are as individuals then we certainly don’t need anyone else to help justify who we are. Aunt Bess didn’t need anyone in her life to make her happy. She was a jolly good time all by herself and had no problems with being that way. I like that. I strive to be that.

One of my best friend's fathers is dying. He and her mother have been together since they were kids. He is the only man she has ever known, ever kissed, ever anything. I can't imagine the heartache she is feeling. The pain and agony of losing the only person you have ever loved would be unbearable. Having to watch this once strong, powerful man that you loved wither away would be unreal. I couldn't handle that. I can barely handle it now and he isn't even my husband or father. One of the advantages to living a completely single life is never having to go through the pain of watching the person you love die. If you never have a significant other in your life then you never have to feel that pain. That seems ok to me. However, it’s a give and take situation. That insurmountable pain also comes with many years of blissful love. The love and the pain go hand in hand. Emotions are a balance to our lives. I’ve come to the realization in my life that with pain there is joy and with joy there is pain. I can accept that balance and in accepting that I have made the transition between the too an easier one.

It occurs to me that you can’t have your happiness without your sadness. In being single, you learn to cope with the loneliness by surrounding yourself with good friends and family to soften the blow. You learn to embrace the alone time and make it your own. Alone time becomes more of serenity than a curse. When you are in a relationship you have to try and work alone time into your life. Getting that alone time becomes a challenge rather than something that is there to deal with. I’ve not quite decided which one of the two is harder. I see people in relationships and see them struggle with acceptance of each others space and think, “wow, glad I don’t have to deal with that crap.” Yet another perk to being single, no one to answer to. You can walk around in a plaid Speedo and black knee socks and no one is there to yell at you about it. You can simply live your life and not have to worry about another person’s feelings and needs. That is nice. In being a single woman, all I have to worry about is myself. I found it really hard at first to only worry about myself. I’m a nurturer so I feel the need to care for everyone in my life’s needs before my own. In learning to be on my own I’ve also realized that I need to take care of me first. That has opened the door to true happiness in many amazing ways.

Some say life is what you make it. I think life makes you. I think that you can try and try to make something out of nothing but essentially time is going to roll on in its own way and you are just along for the ride. As a single woman, I know this to be true. I live this way everyday. I now have direction and balance in my life. I now have goals and responsibilities, none of which have another person to worry about in the grand scheme. I’m finally ok with that. I’m finally happy with the single me. It hasn’t been an easy road but certainly a road worth traveling.

HOT HOT HOT!

2006-08-01T12:23:00.000-04:00

Good Lord its hot out there!

So hot in fact that as soon as I returned from my job hunting, I walked in the house and stripped naked. Its way too hot to wear clothes.

I am reminded of a funny story about hot southern days.

"The Princess" as I've called her in previous posts, is also my hair dresser. One day I was at her tiny little salon after a hair cut. The salon in which she works mainly caters to older women who come in every week for their roller sets. Well she and I were just sitting around when the door flew open and this women in her mid 60's exclaimed "WOO WEE it's hot out there!" The princess looked and me with a look of discust and expressed to me how tired she gets of hearing that every single time the door opens. She then proceeded to say, "It is? Hot out there? Really? Well Lord I wish somebody would called and told me so I wouldn't have worn sweatpants to work today!"

(She, of course, wasn't wearing sweat pants but barely any pants at all. She is one of those skinny little girls that can get away with shorts that barely cover her butt.)

I don't know why we found that so funny, but ever since then she or I have called one another to know the weather report every morning and find out what color sweatpants we will be wearing for the day!

Gotta Love the South!

2006-07-31T17:50:00.000-04:00

Someone circulated an email to me once with a list of funnies that only North Carolinians could understand. It was entitled, "You Know You're From North Carolina When...". One of the quips in particular struck me as absolutely hilarious. It was, You Know You're From North Carolina When...You have ever uttered the phrase 'It's too hot to go to the pool'. What's even funnier in the past four days, three people have said this exact thing to me! I love it here!

I wrote a little something about my love of the south awhile back. I'm gonna try and find it later on and post it. Its not exactly a poem but it isn't long enough to be a story. I guess its just creative prose.

ok I found it:

Thank God I'm a Country Girl!
I love being from the south. I absolutely love it.

I love listening to country music while driving thru my home town and feelin, not just knowing what they are talking about.

I love big ol country boys with their belt buckles and cowboy hats driving pick up trucks and totin their dogs everywhere with em.

I love mustard, slaw, chili and onions.

I love slingin mud on a Sunday afternoon with the promise of two-steppin the night away.

I love headin to the lake on Saturdays with a cooler full of beer and fresh bait in the bucket.

I love knowing what if feels like to run barefoot thru back yard huntin lightin' bugs for the jelly jar.

I love the smell of the south in july right after an afternoon thunder shower steaming up the pavement.

I love high school football games where daddies are dippin and mommas are cheerin' "that's my boy!"

I love being able to twang my words and add extra syllables without anyone noticin'.

I love you North Carolina!

I wrote this originally as a paper for my English Class.

2006-07-30T21:09:00.000-04:00

I am reposting this from my MySpace Archive. I think this is some of my best work.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A personal narrative from a pro-choice liberal...

My Right to Life

At the age of 18, I was faced with a decision that a lot of young girls seem to be faced with way too often. I was pregnant, unwed and in a rapidly failing relationship. Fortunately, I had choices. I could do one of three things: I could raise a baby on my own and live up to my responsibilities as a parent; I could have an abortion which was well within my rights in The United States of America; or I could put my child up for adoption therefore taking care of my responsibilities and exercising my rights. I chose the ladder. This choice is rarely considered by pregnant women and speaking from experience, I know why.
In 1995 I was 18 and very confused about life even though I thought I held all the answers. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found this is a common theme amongst teenagers. I had already dropped out of college and was working at Tijuana Fat’s six days a week to pay my bills. I lived with my boyfriend at the time, Mike and his college friend Reece. We lived in a duplex across the street from UNCG and didn’t really have a whole lot of bills or responsibilities. Mike was a skater and worked at Steak Out six days a week. Reece was independently wealthy, being from an influential family from Washington DC and he was a full time student at Greensboro College. There was constant conflict between Reece and me and in June of 1995, Mike decided it was best if I moved out. Mike and I had been together for almost a year at this point and things had been rocky for the last three months or so. He had turned 21 and was growing apart from me. I was obsessive, bossy and just overall unhappy with life. When I look back at the situation now, I realize that it was due to immaturity on my part as well as just plain inexperience on both our parts. Mike was the first guy that I lived with and my first real relationship as an “adult”. I, in turn, was the first girl that he lived with but he had had a few other long term relationships. We both were really “green” in the grand scheme of things.
So I moved back home at the end of June and Mike and I continued to talk and essentially date but some things had changed. We just didn’t get along at all. I was always moody and it seemed that I was always sick and constantly throwing up. This was going on even before I moved home. I chalked it up to nerves and just ignored it. Well I also was gaining weight like a mad woman. I had previously been 125lbs and a size 6 when Mike and I started dating and suddenly I was 150lbs and in a size 10! I didn’t get it. So I started thinking that maybe I was pregnant. I had never had regular periods so knowing from a missed period wasn’t an option.
I distinctly remember on July 4th (the busy day of the year at our restaurant due to location) I was sweeping the floor and bent over to get under some equipment and felt and odd sensation. It felt as if I had something stuck under my shirt preventing me from bending over. I paid someone to finish up my side work and went home. I spent the entire rest of the night awake and worried. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was pregnant. I also knew that I didn’t want to raise a child at this point in my life. I was terrified to tell Mike of my findings because previously when I had alluded to the possibility of being pregnant he would say that I was only saying that to keep him. Therefore the thought of telling him about this terrified me. I knew he wouldn’t believe me and so I had to go to him with the evidence.
The next day I got a home pregnancy test and went to his house. I approached him with the possibility as calmly as I knew how and told him I would take the test in front of him. I did and the results were positive. We both decided that we needed to get a doctors test just to be sure. We knew that it was just our own form of denial but went through the motions none-the-less. We has talked about it and decided that once we got the positive test from the doctor that we wanted to go ahead with an abortion. We both knew that we weren’t ready to raise children and abortion was the easiest way to hide our “mistake”.
So we found an abortion clinic on Elm Street. and called them to set up an appointment. They would do a pregnancy test as well as an ultrasound to find out how far along I was. At the time the law in the state of North Carolina would allow for an abortion up to 21 weeks gestation and the only way to know for sure how far along I was, was to have an ultrasound. The appointment was set for that Friday and Mike and I went together. Mike waited in the lobby as I went to the back. The scene was so surreal to me. I remember looking at the room and it seemed as though it was shrouded in a haze of white mist and all of the doctors seemed to be very tall and slender women with long, white lab jackets and solemn faces. I felt as though I was being led into a science fiction novel where aliens were about to perform heinous acts on my body. The pregnancy test was positive, of course so I was taken into another room with a padded table and lots of intimidating equipment. I was asked to remove my clothes and in came a fair haired lady in her mid 50’s. She had lots of silver jewelry and funky glasses. I remember thinking that I wished she was my mother. She explained ultrasound to me and greased up my belly with a clear jelly. She took a device that looked very much like a man’s electric razor with the end capped with a rubber knob and placed on my belly which at this point was HUGE. After what seemed like hours but in actuality was probably about five minutes she informed me that it looks as though I was about 19 weeks and she was next going to check for two. TWO! What did she mean she was going to check for two?!?! She informed me this was common procedure and not to worry. Another four hours passed, about 10 minutes this time and she looked at me straight in the eyes. I’ll never forget that look. I saw her mouth moving as if it was in slow motion. The sound traveled towards me in waves that I could see floating like warbling clouds. “Honey, you’ve got twins.” My heart cracked that day. I felt it as clear as I feel the keys on this keyboard and it has never repaired. I could no longer feel my body. I wasn’t there in that room any longer. The realization that this was really happening was more than I could bear.
So, I had to walk into the lobby and tell Mike of the new information laid before me. I couldn’t speak, I could barely walk. If you asked me how I got from the back room to the lobby I would have to tell you I floated. Any other possibility just wouldn’t be plausible at that point. Speaking at that point was also a bodily function that wouldn’t happen. I just handed him the paper I had been given. I watched his eyes as they followed the lines on the paper. I knew the instant he saw the word twins. The look on his face has never and will never be describable.
A counselor came out front to get us both and present us with our options. The clinic we were in only did abortions up to 19 weeks but there were some in Chapel Hill that went to 21 weeks. However, due to the fact that I had twins they couldn’t make a solid determination as to my exact gestation. They knew that I was approximately between 19 and 22 weeks but that was all they could say for sure. Due to the controversy surrounding late term abortions they would feel more comfortable if I went to another state. Within minutes they had the Women’s Hospital in Houston Texas on the phone to explain my options. I was told that I would have to get to Houston within the next 4 days and it would cost my approximately $2200 for the procedure. Also, due the fact that my exact gestation could not be determined there was a slight possibility that I would have a “partial birth” abortion meaning I would essentially have to go through labor and there was a possibility that the fetuses would live. Whoa, that was more than I needed to hear. I couldn’t possibly go through with an abortion after all of the facts were placed in front of me. I know that women have the right to choose and that abortion was an option, but that option’s risks were just way too great for me. At that point adoption was my only option.
As luck would have it, the cousin of my best friend at the time was the head anesthesiologist at Women’s Hospital. Her name was Myra and she had a step daughter that was getting married soon. Her fiancé’s brother and wife had been trying to conceive children for 7 years with no luck. Myra hypothetically asked the couple if they would be interested in adopting twins. John and Lynne Lomax became the angels that would adopt and raise my boys. Alex and Eric Lomax are 9 years old now and healthy as can be. They could read when they were 4 and had several children’s books on what it means to be adopted.
Putting a child up for adoption isn’t for everyone. It takes a very strong individual to take on the responsibility of carrying a living being while knowing the whole time that it isn’t yours. Although the twins technically were mine, but the only way I could survive it was to tell myself they weren’t. Within a week of the abortion clinic fiasco, I was put on strict bed rest and eventually ended up in the hospital. I was told that I would be there until the twins were born because I had developed a serious liver problem as well as gestational diabetes. I consequently can no longer bear children. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt to talk about my experience but I can say that I’m completely comfortable with the decision I made and if I had it to do over I not only wouldn’t but couldn’t change a thing.

BUSTED

2006-07-29T23:01:00.000-04:00

So since I need to update my blog more, I decided to dig out old blogs from MySpace that none of you have ever read. Most of these are from my single days and definitely explain the "Housebroken" and the "Heartbreaker" parts of my title. Maybe not both consecutively or even together, but explain the words nonetheless. (is that one word or two?)

So this post is from my party days. It actually wasn't that long ago. December 3rd 2005 to be exact. I just came across it found it quite funny.

Welcome to the first episode of The Real World Greensboring.

In our first episode we find Jade, drunk and stumbling at The Blind Tiger. She stumbled so much she fell right in to the corner of the stage and ended up with this doozy...

Yes thats correct folks. I busted my eye open in the middle of Sweet Child of Mine last night. My knees are bruised too. I have a very raspy voice and I can't find my jacket. Brandy (who showed up to surprise us) got there just in time to hear about 4 songs before I banged my head... literally. I spent the rest of the evening at Wesley Long's Emergency Room. They put a dermabond adhesive bandage on it and gave me the following information:

Your exam shows that you have a problem with alcohol intoxication. Drinking too much is often the cause of car crashes. Medical illness like depression, nerve problems, liver damage, ulcers, and bleeding from the stomach are common in heavy drinkers. It is improtant that you think about the effect alcohol is having on your health and safety. You have been released from further care today, but you must remember that recognizing that you have a drinking problem is not always easy. Ask your family members, friends and your work associates. Please call your doctor, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), or a drug or alcohol rehab program for further help.

So thus was my evening of ridiculousness. Oh and my knees are covered in huge bruises and my new cowboy boots are ruined. Sweet.

Rock Me Amedeus

2006-07-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

During my online dating years, I was often asked "What kinda music do you listen to"? I was guilty of asking the same question from time to time as well. I always received the same answer, "Everything but rap" or "Everything but country". That is complete bullcrap. Do you mean to tell me that you listen to Italian Arias? What about Elvis Costello? N'Sync? Bela Flek? Of course not.

I truely have diverse musical tastes and I have spent many a day trying to pin point exactly what is my favorite genre of music. I have come to the conclusion that it is anything envolving a horn section. You can't find a good horn section these days. I remember in the mid to late 90's it seemed that all the popular bands had a horn section. Or maybe it was all the bands that were popular to me. My first love was ska. Ska got me into the whole horn section thing. From there I discovered bands that had a trumpet or a sax thrown in occasionally. Then I found Everything.

Everything is a band out of No. VA that had a huge horn section and loads and loads of dancy tunes. They had one hit and that pretty much destroyed the band. I was a fan for many many years before that God awful song saw the light of day. You may remember it as "Whose got the Hooch". That was by far, their worst song to date. Everything is now and will forever be my favorite band of all time.

This is by far the most boring post ever.

I'm back from the shore...

2006-07-27T23:14:00.000-04:00

And I wish I never left.

Escaping from reality is good for us everyone once in awhile. I learned a few things about myself on this trip. One, I need some help with my mental problems post haste. Two, I am way overweight. Three, teenagers truely are the spawn of the devil.

The flight up truely was the flight from hell. We were supposed to depart Greensboro at 2:50pm. Our finally hurled itself down the runway at 9:15pm, and it wasn't even our plane. Our initial flight was cancelled. Then the flight they re-routed us to was cancelled. The flight that was scheduled to leave before us was on the tarmac for about 2 hours before they unloaded it due to Philladelphia Airport being shut down. When they finally decided that that flight was going to take place they informed us that we would be on that flight. We had to just take empty seats. Once we boarded that plane we discovered that they were training a flight attendant so we would have two on this trip. I was next to a guy that was going to be catching a connecting flight in Philly to Shannon, Ireland. He and his buddies that were behind me were going golfing. Luckily he had flown often. That tidbit will come in handy later in the story.

So we are all loaded on the plane at 7pm-ish. Then a storm rolls in and they can't load our luggage because the bag guys are allowed on the the ramps due to lightening. So we wait about an hour for that to blow over. They they taxi us out to the runway and I look out the window. The biggest, ugliest cloud I'd ever seen rolled in. I pointed this out to the guy next to me and he agreed that were weren't going anywhere anytime soon. His buddies made a crack about the fact that they would cacth their connecting flight assuming we didn't taxi all the way to Philly. So low and behold the Captain comes over the speaker informing us that we are grounded until the weather clears. The flight attendant later informs us that it was a Squall. Apparently Squalls are the worst kinds of storms and we don't fly thru them ever.

But we finally take off at 9:15pm and about 35 to 40 minutes into the 56 minute flight a lady starts down the aisle with one leg. This lady is moving herself along by grabbing the arm rests and hopping from seat to seat. She is also a large lady and is getting winded easy. So by the time she gets to our seat she is completely out of breath and falls to her one knee to pull herself in a half crawl down the rest of the way. I was seated approximately in the middle of the plane. She doesn't make it to the bathroom soon enough and does her business all over herself because the stench soon wofts our way. Did I mention that she was diabetic and hadn't checked her sugar since noon? Yea, so luckily one of my seat mates buddies was a doctor, an orthopedic surgeon to be exact and went to the back to check her out. He informed us that she is in rough shape but should be ok till we make it there. We were only about 15 mins from the airport but there was a storm that we should have gone around but were now going to go thru due to this medical emergency. They had called the ambulance and they were waiting for us at the gate.

So, we start through this turbulance and the captain comes over the loudspeaker and tells the flight attendants to strap in. The trainee heads to her seat but attempts to get doors closed in their little area. The other flight attendant screams at her to strap in and not worry about that stuff from the back of the plane. Then it happens. The plane dropped and when I say dropped I mean, free fell like the Drop Zone rides at the amusement parks. DROPPED. Everyone started crying and silently whispering. Luckily no one started screaming because all pandimonium would have broken loose. But after we dropped for a good 30 seconds we shook violently then dropped again. This went on for about 5 minutes. That may seem like a very short time, but try experiencing that on and airplane dropping and shaking and twisting around, see how long it feels then. So the whole time the guy next to me keeps saying, "this is nothing, just a little turbulance do to the storm. Seriously, I been through worse. This pilot is just hot-footin' it in due to the lady in the back. Everything is fine." That calmed me tremendously. You can not believe how much better I felt having that guy next to me. Later the flight attendant told some people behind us that that was only catagory II turbulance and we could withstand up to IV. And that the pilot never would have put us in jeopardy but he did need to go through the storm rather than around it due to the medical emergency.

I was so proud of myself for not freaking out. I have panic attacks something fearce and hadn't brought any medicine with me. My neice and stepmom, who were sitting together thought they were going to die and that is all I heard about for my entire trip. I just didn't think it was that bad. I guess it was the guy next to me.

On the flight back I got to thinking about the other flight. What if I would have died? It occured to me that I really could careless whether I lived or died. Maybe that is why it didn't bother me. That scares me. I really don't care if I'm alive or dead nor do I think anyone else would. If all three of us would have died, I would be the absolute last person anyone cared about. And that is the gospel truth.

Since apparently I have fans...

2006-07-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

Thank you for noticing my absence.

I have been getting prepared for my trip. Oh what trip you say? I am flying to Philly tomorrow with my Stepmom and neice. My neice has been in town staying with my parents for UNCG's summer music camp. She has gone every year since I think she was old enough to pick up an instrument. She is now 14 years old and hates everything, as most teenagers do. I have no idea what she plays but I think its piano. Hopefully she isn't picking up any piano's, though. I guess I should be more involved in my families life.

But anyway, we will be flying up to Philly and then my sister will be picking us up as whisking us off to her new country estate in Bucks County PA. They bought it last year but this is the first time that I'll be setting eyes on it. Apparently they bought a farm out in the country. I don't think they raise any animals but what do I know. Then Sunday morning we, we meaning my sister Stephanie, my neice Sarah, my nephew Johnnie, my aunt Lynn and my Stepmom Dana, will be heading to my sisters shore house in Avalon, NJ. I love that place. Its so peaceful and calm. Oprah has a place there but I've never seen her. My grandmother also has a shore house in Ocean City, NJ which is about 30 minutes north of my sisters. Its much more commercial but can be fun at times. Her house is actually on the ocean and you can see Trump Taj Mahal from her back deck. She also has a pool on the deck so that is more of a plus than the view. I will be sure to take lots of pictures to post, but don't expect any of me in a swim suit just yet.

I will be flying home on Wednesday evening but my stepmom won't be coming home until friday. She gets a paid vacation and I don't so I have to return to work on Thursday. I don't know if anyone has a computer and honestly I hope they don't, so I doubt I will be updating until I get back. It will take me a month to catch up on Andrew's posts I'm sure! (http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com)

How I feel today...

2006-07-20T03:36:00.000-04:00

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June

We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad

When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

(for those of you who don't know, I did not write this. These are the lyrics to "Mayonaise" by The Smashing Pumpkins)

Lazy and dirty, a match made in Pfafftown.

2006-07-18T15:12:00.000-04:00

So I have had the past two days off, today and yesterday that is. Yesterday I never got dressed and never left the house. And when I say I never got dressed, I mean I litterally never got dressed. I wore an old oversized t-shirt to bed the night before and that is exactly what I piddled around the house in yesterday. All I did was watch tv shows that I had DVR'd throughout the week and ate. I barely have any food in the house so I didn't eat much but I somehow managed to make a huge mess.

So I'm off today and I had all these big plans. I was going to go to the grocery store, join weight watchers, join a gym, go buy a book, apply for jobs, clean the house and go tan. I've done none of this because I woke up at 2pm. Yes, that is correct, 2pm. I feel like crap because I went to bed at 1am. So I slept for 13 hours. That is just absolutely ridiculous. Depression has to be a motivating factor in this. But I convince myself that I need to stay in bed and get as much sleep as possible because I do have clinical insomnia so when I need sleep I can't get it.

I am going to grab a gear here in a moment and head out to get some things done. I doubt I will get it all done but I will get a chunk of it underway. I have to becaue I'm flying to Philly on Saturday to go to my sisters Shore house and Eric will be home sometime this weekend. I have to have the house cleaned and stocked with food or he will either flat out starve or go out to eat steak and lobster every meal, and contribute to the mess 12 fold.

I always do this to myself. I procrastinate until I've only got a few minutes to get things done and then I work myself into a stressed frenzy. Geez, why can't I just calm down and do things when I am supposed to?

My life as a call girl...I mean cosmetics girl.

2006-07-17T02:13:00.000-04:00

I work in a small independantly owned salon in Greensboro. I am a cosmetics consultant and sometimes receptionist. I am all the time aggrivated.

So last night was the owner of my place of work's 50th birthday. The crew decided she needed to be picked up in a stretch navigator and whisked to Harris Teeter to buy champagne.

No wait, we were supposed to whisking her to Much for a birthday bash but got side tracked due to the fact that between the 7 of us we downed 3 bottles of Champagne before we got out of Irving Park. So after a brief stop off at Jimmy's house (just don't ask) we headed to the Taj Ma Teeter to grab a few more bottles to tide us over till we got downtown. We barely made it...

I didn't quite realize how tipsy I had become until I attempted to exit the vehicle. Poor Felix had a time getting us in and out of the monstrosity. I'm sure he was glad to be rid of us.

Once we hit Much it was time to cut the cake.

The cake never actually got cut by the way, but it did get eaten. We a just grabbed plastic forks and kinda picked at it all night long. We are classy bunch you see...

The rest of the night is a vivid blur. Chapagne is one of those things that really should be drank at the end of an evening not the beginning. It is also a rather devilish alcohol. You don't realize that you've even had a sip until you attempt to stand up or function in any other capacity than to sit there demurely sipping. I told you all that I had quit drinking, and I really had. I only had a few at home amoungst friends. But after I was already tipsy, with a ride and place to stay locally, why not let the chips the fall where they may. And they fell, on the concrete staircase on the corner of Market and Greene street downtown.

Well we didn't actually fall, more like took a break. Elena needed to smoke and I needed to get out of those heels. But we never really got up from there. The tragic thing was it was only about 11:30pm and we had been sufficiently trashed and already drinking water for about an hour. Yes folks we would have slept on those steps if it wasn't for one of our dearly beloved co-workers wandering by. Dear sweet Evelyn had made it out to the celebration with her husband and graciously agreed to take Elena and I home. There was only a minor problem, Elena wouldn't tell us where she lived and I didn't know how to get there either. Miraculously, my phone rang and it was the beloved but missing from the debauchery, Christy! Christy told Evelyn how to get us home and we made it in one peice and were in the bed by 12:30am. Ah to be young again...

An adendum..

2006-07-16T21:33:00.000-04:00

I think you all may have gotten the wrong impression of my wonderful boyfriend from my last post.

I have a tendancy to jump to conclusions as well as over-exaggerating things a bit. Everything I said did happen, but considering the vast majority of you don't know us at all, you only get my side of the story.

I started this blog as an outlet. I have manic depression accompanied by panic attacks. When I am feeling down and/or manic or paniced, I write. At many points in my life I've solved many of my problems by writing. So when I'm stressed I get all out with the keyboard. I have found in life that by the time my entry is done I've either solved my dilemma or I have cleared my head enough to look at things rationally. Not all of it is bad and not all of it is good. In life we have ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

I rarely to never tell my friends or family bad things about my relationships. This poisons the well. Your support group is always going to take your side so no matter what, even if you are in the wrong they are going to think it's the jerks fault. When, in actuallity relationships are a two way street. I've learned that in order to have a healthy one, I keep our failures to myself. However, I do need an outlet in which to broadcast my feelings. I have taken on this blog to do so.

I am not going to leave my bf. My bf isn't a horrible person. The $200 tab was a bank error that was sorted out the next day. He got double charged at Rum Runners. He doesn't lie to me, he doesnt' cheat on me and I do trust him. I have insecurity issues which cause me to feel like he is going to leave me. These are my problems and due to nothing he has done to make me feel this way. I've always had commitment issues and until I can work this out within myself I'll continue to feel like that.

I am a sabotager. For those of you who don't know, this is someone who has to ruin things when they are going well. I have an unconcious need to always be in turmoil. I can't just be happy. I'm the epitome of the Garbage song "I'm only happy when it rains". I have realized this about myself and am making great strides in my life to improve upon it. I am on a constant path for improvement in my life and welcome any and all constructive critizisms. I cannot correct my short-commings if I'm unaware that they exist. I've always encourged others to come to me with problems and concerns.

So folks, my relationship isn't falling apart, my life isn't in shambles, my bf isn't cheating on me or leaving me. We both flirt. I love flirting and I love watching him flirt as does he me. When we met I flirted for a living and will be getting back into that line of work in the next few months. I'm completely comfortable with what we have and wouldn't trade it in for the world!

LIVID!

2006-07-15T01:53:00.000-04:00

My boyfriend works out of town which has caused more strain on our relationship than I first would have thought. Tonight he is in Cary where he has been since Tuesday. Cary is about 2 hours from where we live. He is flying to Chicago at 7am tomorrow morning, or should I say this morning because it is 1:50am. Anyway, he has been working in Chicago for the past 6 months in 10 day on 4 day off cycles. This is going to be his last trip to Chicago supposedly as they will be finishing up all the loose ends. The drawback to this trip is that they have no idea how long they will be there this time. They could be there for a week or they could be there for a month; it just depends on how long it takes them to finish.

So he calls me tonight from Raleigh which is about 30 mins outside of Cary and is the second largest city in our state. He is at Rum Runners and they had just got there. The dueling piano players were making fun of him being on the phone so he had to go. This was at 8pm. I didn't here back from him until 12:15am. Now, in the meantime I sent him 3 texts and called twice to which I received no response. This would not be a big deal to with any normal couple but my bf has a tendancy to flirt. He has, in the past, let that flirting come between he and I. I won't go into details but I have gotten VERY hurt.

He completely loves me, and I know this but he has been feeling a bit down lately and has made several comments to the fact that he doesn't get hit on in the bars anymore. It bothered me at first but I understand his need to feel wanted and I feel the same way.

So when I finally do hear from him he is EXTREMELY intoxicated. The kind of drunk that you can smell it through the phone. He is about to get behind the wheel of he WORK VEHICLE and drive to his hotel IN THE NEXT TOWN. I beg with him not to do so, but he does and insists that he is in no way drunk just merely tipsy, (what the heck ever! I was born at night but not last night!) So he then calls me when he gets to his hotel room and he is so drunk that he can't remember what he says from one sentence to the next and loses his train of thought with almost every word. He is slurring his words and stumbling all around the room as I can hear him doing so on the phone. He then informs me of how cool it was that girls were all over him all night.

What? Repeat that? I'm sorry I must not have my hearing aid on, can you come again?

I ask him how many drinks he bought for girls and he was "pshhh none, those girls ain't gettin nothing from me".

So he goes into the big long thing about how cool these dueling pianos were and how much fun he had and I can tell he is just giddy with excitement. I am starting to let my emotions bubble over and I am feeling very left out and hurt that he had this amazing time without me and with other girls fawning on him. So then he starts back in about how much he is absolutely and totally in love with me but he just couldn't express to me how awesome it was to have girls flirting with him right and left and if he wanted to he could have gotten at least 2 girls numbers.

Um, ok what? Ya know I really think I'm not hearing you correctly could you repeat that?

Now I know I should be happy that he is getting his ego boosted. I know I should be completely confident in our relationship afterall I'm sitting in our house right now and am about to go to bed in our bed. But something in me just snapped. And then, the kicker... He says to me, "It just felt so good to say to the bartender I'll have a jagerbomb and another beer and get those two girls over there whatever they want."

Houston, I think we have a problem!

Are you kidding me right now? Did I hear those words come out of his mouth? Yea, and he was totally busted. So I called him on it and he of course tried to back peddle his way out but unfortunately his whittle pedals wouldn't go cause they were all mucked up in JAGER BOMBS AND NASTY BAR WHORES!

So, then I ask him how much money he spent at the bar. He is all like, "oh I don't know not much I just bought those two girls drinks." Well guess who has complete access to his online banking and every other aspect of his life? Um that would be me. So I go into his account and guess what I find? TWO, count em, TWO pending debits from Rum Runners. One in the amount of...are you ready for this...$109.45! Oh and it gets better. The other one was for $112.98! OH YEA! What the? He didn't just buy 2 girls a couple of drinks, he either had 2 girls on his tab all night or he bought SEVERAL girls a couple of drinks! Back in my drinking days when he and I would go out the largest tab the two of us together EVER had was $95. And that is both of us and don't drink cheap stuff or beer. I drink or should I say drank Segrams 7&7's with red headed slut shots. That right there is 9-12 bucks no matter where you get it. So homeboy was BUYING SOME FRICKEN SHOTS! When I tell him of this he is like, 'no can't be...they musta double charged me or something...had to...nooo'. When he gets up tomorrow and checks his balance and sees that he only has X amount of money to get him through to his next payday he is going to crap himself! Mark my words!

So now its 2:19am, I'm extremely ticked off and I have to be at work in the morning. I also have to go out with my co-workers to a God-forsaken club tomorrow night in downtown fricken Greensboro which is an hour from my house mind you, and make him suffer.

Payback is a B!@#H, and so am I!

Food is my crutch.

2006-07-15T00:12:00.000-04:00

I have struggled with my weight for the past 10 years. I was super skinny in high school plus I played sports so any weight I had was muscle. After the sports stopped and the babies popped (whole nuther story entirely) I started to pack on the pounds. Very slowly curiously enough, but when I inadvertantly got put on Paxil for my anxiety I ballooned to nearly twice my size. The odd thing about this inflation in weight is that it happened in complete denial. I never "thought" I was gaining weight. I knew all of the sudden I was in a size 20 and my size 9's no longer fit, but it didn't quite click in my head that I turned into a behemoth. That is until I saw the pictures.

My sister came down from Philly with her two kids and we took them to the local water park with my boyfriend at the time and my stepmom. My boyfriend and I had been together almost 3 years at this point and he was basically a member of the family. They all loved him and he loved me unconditionally. I am almost 6 inches taller than my sister and step mom so I've always felt as though I dwarfed them. However when those pictures got developed I realized that I not only was vertically larger but my horizon was causing and eclipse! I was soooo embarrassed! So much so that my dad, God bless him, bought me a 10 weeks weight watchers membership for my birthday. You know you have gotten fat when you daddy is buying you memberships to weight watchers!

So I went. This was 3 summers ago in August. At my first meeting I was in complete and shambles. I weighed in at a whopping 217lbs and was completely floored by this. I had no idea I was that big. I cried through the whole meeting and the leader hugged me long and hard after. She talked me through it and convinced me that I could and would make it through this. She was right. I lost 7lbs my first week and there was no turning back. I became obsessed. In 14 weeks I was down to 167lbs!

I decided to reward myself with a large slice of chocolate cake.

Big mistake. I made a realization today. Food isn't a reward. A reward is buying a slinky black dress. A reward is not having to shop in the plus sizes. A reward is being able to walk up a flight of steps without being winded. A reward is knowing that you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are beautiful.

I've rewarded myself back up to about 200lbs. This has got to stop. My feet hurt again. None of my clothes fit. I am the fat girl at work, the fat girl in the mall, the fat girl at starbucks, the fat girl in line at the bank, the fat girl in the pictures. I am fat.

I have to get a grip on this addiction. When I'm upset I run to food. When I'm lonely, food. When I'm scared, food. When I'm bored, food. I can not let this continue. I need to break this pattern and I need help doing it. April has been a wonderful support. You would think that a skinny girl wouldn't understand but she does. Its awesome. She's encouraging me to go back to weight watchers and has even offered to go with me in fat suit! Now that, folks is a true friend.

I'm asking for anyone out there that can help me in my plight. Words of encouragement, tips, tricks, uplifting motivation, etc. I'm the worlds worst with commitment and I hate that about myself. I know that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results. I've been diagnosed as clinically insane so I guess now I need a support group to help me break out of this prison I've so willingly put myself into.

The letter I wrote to my best friend.

2006-07-08T11:23:00.000-04:00

Did you know that you have hurt me. You hurt me often and don't realize it I guess. I consider you my best friend for life and the person I put beyond all others. Just ask Brandy, April, any of the girls at work, Eric, etc. they will tell you how important you are to me. We have been through things that other people can't imagine together. And when times get rough I've always known that I have you to count on. I don't feel like I have that anymore.

When you start dating someone, you engulf yourself in them and their lives. I'm no accusing, I'm just stating. Everyone does it at first. But you do it in a different way that hurts me.

When you started dating Todd oh so many years ago, I didn't like him and I didn't think you two were good together so I bowed out of your life. You seemed to replace me quite quickly with other people. I let that slide because I knew you would always come back. And you did, when things went sour with you and Todd I was there to pick up the peices and help you through it. The same way you did with Scott. You moved to NJ and I was there for you the whole time you were gone. I even came to visit. You had a hard time making friends but I was still there. I couldn't visit you as much I would have liked but I did make the effort. When things fell apart, I was there.

Now you get back to NC and immediately start up a new relationship. I like Jason, I liked Scott for that matter, but I do think Jason is good for you and I think you make a wonderful couple. I am very happy for you and hope everything continues to be wonderful. However, you have replaced me with his friends. When the two of you first started dating you begged me to go to all these shows with you and all these events because you didn't want to sit there alone and you didn't have any friends. Now those invites are few and far between. You invited me to HRW and I was so excited. I have wanted to go for awhile and would have been awesome to go with you. I picked out some clothes and got my schedule re-arranged at work. I told Eric that I wouldn't be around due to going with you to the festival. I made him up some dinners so he would have some food made. I called you numerous times and especially when you posted a blog saying you weren't going. I thought I would at least get a phone call if this was happening not a fricken blog for god's sake! But alas, nothing. I know you are busy with work and the kids and jason and all so I figured you would call me sooner or later. I even invited ya'll to stay at my house. I cleaned top to bottom and washed sheets on the guest bed. I told you to let me know if you were going. I heard nothing.

Then I read on MySpace of all fricken places that you did, in fact go and had a glorious time with some other girl. She has pics posted of you all over her blog and how you are her new best friend for life. Then she suddenly gets put in front of me in your top 8. Great. Now I'm jealous of pecking order on MySpace.

Yes, Kelly I am jealous. I'm jealous of the fact that I spend most of my life caring about someone who kicks me to the curb when things go great in her life and then expect me to be there when they go south. I'm jealous of someone that only calls me to tell me that she got a 2 carat diamond engagement ring but not that she isn't going to be hanging out with me. I'm jealous of the friendship we used to have. I may not be as important to you, but you are everything to me. My heart is breaking.

I know that Jason is a social person and you aren't quite as outgoing so I know he has introduced you to some people. I'm happy that you've made friends. I want you to be happy. I want you live your life to the fullest extent, I just want to be in it.

Am I not cool enough to be your friend anymore? I know we aren't into the same things. And that we have our own interests, but we always have. Do you think I'll embarass you in front of your new friends? Is that it? I promise I won't. I promise....

Just don't leave me again...please...

Fourth of July Celebrations

2006-07-05T19:08:00.000-04:00

We had a cookout for our friends on Sunday. A few of them showed up and much fun was had. A few of my bf's co-workers came. It was an ok time. Nothing to write home about I guess. Here are some pictures.

High Maintence Friendships.

2006-07-02T00:46:00.000-04:00

I posted a few days ago about my friend that I'm jealous of. She has asked me to go to this really awesome music festival here in town that I've always wanted to go to but its $65 and I never really had that extra cash. Her boyfriend is playing in a band for the fest and they were getting me in for free. I asked her a few days ago if she was still going because I was looking forward to it and cleared my work schedule to be able to go. She said she wasn't sure and would let me know. I've called her every single day since then and still no response from her. I think that is kinda crappy, don't you?

Now on to 'The Princess'. I have a very close friend, so close in fact that I am supposed to be her maid of honor at her wedding in July of 07. (I as 'supposed' because every other day she threatens to call the whole thing off due to one thing or another. She has been with this dude for 4 years and I've known her a year of that and in that year she has 'broken up' with him at least once a month but never seems to leave the house or stick to her ultimatums.) I'm guessing that the parenthesis give you a good idea of the princess's personality. She is a very pretty girl with a fairly unattractive boyfriend, excuse me fiance, that she expects to bend to her every single whim. I'm not saying that he is 'prince charming' by any means. He has his definite faults, most of which arise due to the fact that he has no ambition to become anymore than he is. Unfortunately he is paired with an only child, spoiled rotten by her daddy, girl that he must fawn over and cater to or his life is made miserable.

She is also a hypochandriac. Luckily she is still on daddy's insurance because she runs to the doctor every other day about one thing or another. I almost bought her this book I saw at Barnes and Noble that was entitled "The Hypochondriac's Guide to 50 Diseases That you Probably Already Have". The other day she found that he head was lumpy and automatically assumed she had a brain tumor. She has moles removed every single week because she thinks she has mellenoma and while she waits for the results to come back she calls me every five minutes saying, "JAAAAADE, What if I have CAAANCER"! (She also whines alot.) I have repeatedly told her to shut up and that everything is fine and to stop being so overly dramatic about everything ever. This, of course, does no good because I get a return call the next day.

Why am I still friends with her you ask? Well its simple. When I have problems in my life that I think most people would think are petty, she completely sympathizes with me and makes feel like my problems are validated by the fact that they are a major issue. When in fact they are very miniscule and are really irrelavant. The Princess is also my hair dresser and keeps my coifed for free. She is also extremely attractive and it never hurts to have good looking friends.

Shallow? Maybe. But I'm Lake Superior compared to her.

Toasty and sticky.

2006-06-29T17:41:00.000-04:00

I woke up about 1:45pm. I decided to go lay out since it was such a sunny day and we've had few of those lately. Plus we are having two cook outs this weekend. One for our friends on Sunday and one for our parents on Tuesday and I would like to wear a sundress. My spray tan is fading quickly and I didn't feel like driving to the tanning bed so I layed out.

I read my book and ended up laying on one side for 2 hours. I never flipped before I lost my sun. I should have flipped. No I'm not burned. I don't burn actually. I just didn't tan my back which is actully the part I should have started on because I can always spray my front but I can't get to my back nearly as well. Ah well. Now I'm sticky and need to shower.

I'm thawing a burger out to throw on the grill for dinner. I was inspired by Andrews 'burger' post. I really enjoy reading Andrew's blog. http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com
Check it out sometime. It will open your eyes to life that is passing you by.

What is the deal with Alias?

2006-06-29T01:47:00.000-04:00

So what is the deal with Alias? Its only in syndication now but what the heck is going on there? I never watched the show regularly and I've only seen a few episodes and frankly they all suck. I know its one of those shows that you kinda have to follow from the beginning but it just all seems WAY too dramatic for what it is. OVERLY dramatic over something that so obviously hokie and fake that its almost like watching "Barb Wire" or some other Skin-a-Max flick. And all this SD6 crap? What the? Really its just all too much for me.

I think I'm just upset because nothing is ever on tv that I want to watch when Alias is on. It's kinda like the "Wings" of the 2000's. Everywhere you go, there it is and you never want to watch it. Plus you can't syndicate shows like Alias and 24 and Lost. Those are shows that you HAVE to keep up with to know what is going on and most shows in syndication aren't in order.

(yep, still can't sleep.)

Sleep...The Elusive Dream

2006-06-29T00:31:00.000-04:00

If you asked my stepmom how I sleep at night, she would say "lots". The truth is, I don't sleep well and I never have. I've never really told anyone this until I reached adulthood. On the few occasions in which I've lived with her and my dad, I slept until 1pm or later. What they didn't realize is that I didn't actually go to sleep until 4 am or later.

And the sad thing is, I'm not a night owl. I don't think better at night; I don't function better at night, I don't get things done at night. The only thing I'm really good at in the evenings is not sleeping. I never really considered this a problem because I didn't realize it until about a year or so ago. I always worked in restaurants or bars so I was up late anyway and I just thought that was an occupational hazard. About a year ago I stopped bartending and worked a job where I had day hours. I had no problem with it. I actually found that I studied better for school during the day and morning.

When I started having a harder and harder time falling asleep I discovered that its me, not my jobs that have kept me awake at night. I simply can't fall asleep, and when I finally do I wake up 2 to 3 times a night to go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, etc. The only time I don't have a hard time falling asleep is around 10-11am. I can wake up at 9:30 and fall back asleep by 10. Or I can wake up at 6am and fall back asleep at 10am. I don't know what it is about that pre-noon time that just lulls me to sleep. So it appears to people that I sleep alot, when in actuality I only get my best sleep when people 'think' I'm goofing off and sleeping all day.

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. I worked 10 hours today, on my feet all day no break. I drove for 2 hours, 1 hour both ways to work. When I finally got home I was dead tired. I layed on the couch in the basement and watched 'So You Think You Can Dance', (my new favorite obsession)and I totally thought I would fall asleep at any time. I didn't and about an hour ago I suddenly was wide awake. What the?

So now here I sit. Wide awake and completely tired. My eyes burn, I'm so tired. But when I lay down I can't fall asleep. And before you say anything, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING! I was prescribed Ambien, I took it for awhile but with my fear of addiction I didn't want to get used to it. I only took it once a week when I knew I had to go to bed at a certain time to get up by a certain time. It worked like a charm, for about 3 months. Now, nothin'. I've tried reading, I've tried writing, I've tried not reading, I've tried complete silence with earplugs, I've tried eye masks, I've tried nature sounds, I've tried watching tv, I've tried not watching tv, I've even tried watching that bizarre Christian channel with the EXTREMELY old nun lady. I've tried warm milk, I've tried cold milk, I've tried chai tea, I've tried aroma therapy, I've tried meditating, I've tried counting (backwards and forwards). There really isn't anything that I haven't tried. My new weirdness is that I everytime I get comfy in bed some weird place itches. UGGGH.

I hate this.

Failure seems to be my rain cloud...

2006-06-27T23:04:00.000-04:00

I have a friend, my best friend actually, we have been friends since I was five years old. There were a couple years where I went to a different school and we hung with different clouds but for the most part we have still remained friends. Our senior year in high school we became super close and have been ever since. I graduated in 1994 just for a timeline perspective.

K and I were pretty much inseperable. She was a gorgeous little pixie and the boys just fawned over her. Guys would ask for my number and then ask me to fix them up with my friend. I lived in her shadow. She was the coolest girl I knew. We were a quirky couple of kids. We like punk rock and ska. We dyed our hair in strange shades and danced our butts off into the wee hours, thus making lots of friends with boys in bands. K had a tendency to fall head over heels for guys quickly and then lose all sense of her friends. I knew this and just let it slide since we were so close I knew when she needed me that she would be back. She always came back.

She got married a couple years after high school and had 2 kids and bought a house. The American dream so to speak. All except the guy she married was a loser and I told her so when she was dating him so we didn't speak for 2 years and I wasn't invited to the wedding. But I was there at the birth of both of her kids and at the divorce of loser boy.

I've always felt like I was playing catch up to her. Since her divorce from her husband she's been engaged two times with the most recent of those occuring last week. She called to inform me of the good news and the description of the ring, 2 carat center stone in an antique setting. They had it appraised and insured. It appraised at $9000 and was dated in the 1940's with a diamond rating of SI1. Yea, wow. She is really into antiques and super into pinup girls and 1940's stuff. This was perfect for her.

I'm really happy for her but I can't help feel like why her and not me? I mean why am I so un-marriable? The weird thing is, I'm not even sure that I want to get married but I would at least like to know that someone wants to marry me.

She also just graduated from esthetics school. I helped her fill out the paperwork for financial aid and suggested that she go to esthetics school. I flunked out of college and now have no prospects for goals. Again with the catch up.

I love her to death but I just can't help feeling jealous. Is that wrong?

An Explaination of My Title.

2006-06-26T00:45:00.000-04:00

Since I'm just starting out in this world of blog-dom I feel the need to explain any and every aspect of my life. You people don't know me and you don't know where I'm coming from or where I'm going, so I guess I figure if I give back-stories more people will read and comment. This is a flawed way of thinking because I've come to realize in my other blogs that more people comment, thus an indication of readership, when a blog is short. So the more I ramble the less people will read, therefore defeating my original purpose.

Enough of this nonsense...On with the show!

At one point in my life I was a bombshell. Full on hottness with a side of slap yo mama. I'm not being conceited or tooting my own horn, just honest. And I did state that this was 'at one point', not continuously. Actually it was at two different times in my life. Both of which occurred simultaneously with me being single. This goes to dispute any and all claims of people wondering "Why is such a gorgeous girl single"? But I digress into a rant of another time and place...

Coincidentally at the times in which my hottness prevailed, I was also mostly known as disheaveled and untamed. Never would I be caught dead cooking or cleaning and especially not fufilling any responsibilities until it came down to the wire. I never paid any bills on time, and by on time I mean not until I got the cut off notice. I never did my laundry until I absolutely everything I owned was no longer wearable. Often I would go to the laundromat with 12-14 loads of laundry! I didn't step foot in a grocery store and rarely even paid for my own meals, being the smoke bomb that I was and all. I had a 2 date maximum. Usually by the second date I was bored with the fellow and moved on to someone new. I was addicted to the chase and I certainly was chased. I flew by the seat of my pants and usually worked about 2 to 3 jobs to support my extravagance.

In the last year I've grown up and out. I don't necessarily consider myself the hottest girl in the room and I most certainly don't rely on my astute flirting skills to get me by. Since I've met Eric, I now cook almost everyday, sometimes twice a day. I clean the house from top to bottom weekly and I even dust! I've never dusted in my life! My mom never did such things and my father had a housekeeper (who was instructed to not clean my room on the few occasions that I had to move home after adulthood, I might add). Eric told me the other day that I made his house a home. Before I was there it was just an investment of four walls. He told me everything this home is has been created by me. That was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me. He has his moments.

It feels good to keep a home. It feels good to be needed and depended upon. It feels good to be housebroken.

Being the nice girl gets you no where.

2006-06-20T19:29:00.000-04:00

The Back Story...

Some of you know that I moved from Greensboro and now live on the opposite side of Winston Salem. For those of you not from this area that is approximately a 45-55 minute drive from where I work. I decided, after much begging from my manager, to stay at my job through the summer and get a job at a sports bar that is is being built in Clemmons about 10 mins from my house. The sports bar is still in the construction stage and looks to be completed at the end of July to early August. As soon as the now hiring sign goes up, I'm there. Well in the course of working at my current place of business, I discovered that another co-worker lives in Winston Salem as well and her house is en route to my work. So we decided to cut down on gas by riding together.

Since this agreement has taken place her car broke down so now, I'm responsible for ALL the driving and she gives me gas money. No big deal right? WRONG. This girl that I work with is notorious for being late and is about the slowest person on the face of the earth. I don't know why she is as slow as she is but it is extremely aggravating when she is 15 minutes behind on her appointments and she has two people waiting for her and she decides to make a 10 minute phonecall to her loser or boyfriend! But I digress...

So I love her to death, I really do but I didn't sign up for what I've gotten myself into. She has a young son that her mother watches for her while she works. He is about 2 or 3, I'm not good with kids ages. But the problem is her mother lives in Reidsville which is an hour or so in a different direction. So in order for her mother to watch him we have to meet her at the half way point to drop him off which is in Oakridge, which is about 30 mins out of the way to our work.

So, now I have to leave my house an hour and a half before I have to be at work so that I can drive her to drop off her son plus get to work on time. plus when I get to her house she is never ready and since she has a kid we have to load up 40 thousand things in the car just to leave the house. Then we have to drive 30 minutes out of our way to drop him off and she usually starts gabbing with her mother for about 10 minutes about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

That, again puts us behind. I usually tell her I have to be at work 30 minutes prior to when I actually have to be there so that we aren't late. So now my time leaving my house turns into 2 hours prior to having to be at work. Now take this and add it all back to the return trip and I'm spending 4 extra hours of my day driving someone else and their kid around. My shifts at work are usually only 4-5 hours! And its not like I'm working in some posh place making bou coup bucks or anything. She gives me between $7-$10 everytime for gas but that doesn't account for the wear and tear put on my car that is about to hit the 160,000 mile marker or my precious time. Seriously, I had to leave my house at 7:30 this morning to get to work at 9:30am and I got off at 4pm but didn't get home until 6:45pm!

And today we had to drive all the way to Summerfeild to pick up her son which is about another 15 minutes on to the 30 extra out of the way in the first place. She didn't inform me of this until I had left work and had to turn around and go back and get her because her she got in a fight with her boyfriend, who was coming to pick her up because he doesn't want her riding with me. She says that its more like he doesn't want her to not be dependant on him.

My question is, I have been the nice person in this scenario and what has it gotten me? And how do I get out of it without seeming like a jerk?

Common Misconceptions in Friendships

2006-06-18T19:37:00.000-04:00

I try to be a forgiving person. In fact I believe that I forgive people to a fault. It's gotten me in a lot of trouble and caused me nothing but pain, yet I will still give someone every chance in the world to be a friend to me.

It has lately become blaringly obvious to me that people don't change. They may mis-represent themselves when you first meet them, but they never change who they are at the core.

A few of my friends are going through this learning experience right now. They have re-friended (is that a word) people whom they have previously un-friended. These people are now learning why they let go of the friendships in the first place. If you stop being someones friend because they constantly hurt your feelings or because they are self-centered and inconsiderate, why in the world do you think that will change if you start hanging out with them again? I think it comes down to not being honest with the person as to why you are no longer going to hang out with them. People just think you are being a b*#th if you don't answer their calls anymore, especially people who are self-centered. They don't ever think that *they* did something wrong and that's why you don't want to be their friend anymore. And then you also have the friends that think if you don't call them back within 5 mins of them calling you that they've done something wrong. This can be equally annoying and yet another reason to un-friend.

I think this is very prevalent in female friendships. In all my years of friend-dom (boy I am really coming up with some words tonight) I've never seen such catty and selfish people that I've encountered in the last year or two. It's almost like I'm attracting them!

I consider myself and upfront and honest person. I tell people what I think of them and I expect others to do that with me. I've always said that I can't correct a problem unless I know there is one. I encourage all of my friends to carry this philosophy into their other relationships. Some take my advice and some don't. I think that this also makes me people afraid of me. For some reason my willingness to have people confront me makes them not want to.

This really isn't what this blog started out about but I got carried away.

But the moral of the story is, if there is someone in your life that isn't making you happy get rid of them! It's your life, make the most of it. Don't spend your life upset and hurt all the time because a so called 'friend' of yours is constantly treating you like crap. Let them go be miserable by themselves.

Wisdom in more ways than one.

2006-06-16T21:59:00.000-04:00

So I was eating some peanut M&M's a minute ago and when I got finished it felt like I had a peanut stuck behind my back tooth on the right side. So I reached back there to pick it out and discovered it wasn't a peanut, it was a tooth! My wisdom tooth is coming in. It doesn't hurt but it feel weird. I'm not too worried about it effecting my other teeth either. Before I got my braces, which I had for 6 years, my dentist pulled 4 of my teeth so that my wisdom teeth would grow in correctly.

Pat Benetar got her nails done at my shop today. I wasn't there but I apparently talked to her on the phone yesterday when she booked her appointment under the name of Patricia. I always miss the good stuff.

Guess I better start bloggin...

2006-06-14T23:37:00.000-04:00

I have been saving this blog for something poignant and life altering. I really don't know why. I mean, how often does that actually happen in ones life?

I've coasted through this site reading blogs and learning new and exciting things. I've commented on a few and I've been unable to find words for others. I hate that part. I am a super social person and feel the need to give feedback, even if its just a smile or a 'hmmm'. I feel that need to be validated so I assume everyone is the same. This is not the case.

As a child and on into young adulthood I kept a journal. These journals ranged from wirebound notebooks to fancy-schmancy decorated monstrosities. I always tried to leave these out in easily stumbled upon places. I wanted someone to read them and confront me about them. It never happened. With the sudden craze of the 'blog', I can leave my journal out for a larger group. You know what they say, throw a handful of noodles at the wall and one is bound to stick. I need bigger hands.

Introduction Part Deux

2006-06-13T00:02:00.000-04:00

So here is the deal...

*I'm 29 and plan on staying that way for a few years.
*I'm beautiful no matter what you say.
*I aspire to write well but I'm terrible with grammar so don't bust my chops.
*I'm not afraid to speak my mind and you may find that I will do that often here.
*I've had a hard life but I'm not about to whine about and blame on my problems on it.
*I do have a wonderful boyfriend, whom I live with so I'm not trying to 'hook up' with you.
*If you stumble across this blog and find that I've written about you...don't take it personal, am just a jerk.

I'm sure I will think of other things later but until then, this is me.

Introduction of sorts.

2006-06-09T21:52:00.000-04:00

Hi.
Im Jade and I'm here to rock your world.